The title says it all.
It's been a trying year. So many things have gone well while others have gone sour. I'm trying to keep my chin up but that's more of a manic-depressive kind of thing. It only lasts so long before the ugly stuff rears its head again.
A quick update on what's going on:
I had a last minute transfer to Luther college in Decorah. This all happened while Seth and I were at camp (my mother-bless her-did all the application stuff for us). Basically, we found out a day before we left that the tuition at Upper Iowa was three times as much as we expected. Our Grandpa got wind of our predicament and offered to help us out if we went to Luther instead. He's been trying to get us to go there for a long time but financially it was just not possible.
But as it turns out, with Grandpa's help and the enormous amount of scholarships we are receiving, we are able to afford to go to this school debt free. Woot!!
I count myself fortunate that that is the case. Luther is a lot closer than Upper Iowa (7 min vs. 60 min) and Luther has a wider reputation. I'm also happy because Luther has a lot more going for it artistically speaking. This school has done a lot to foster creativity in its students. It's great to be around this atmosphere even though I'm not a part of the art or music scene myself.
My first semester (under the accounting major) includes Cost Accounting which--to make a long story short--sucked the life out of me. I reportedly had dark circles around my eyes, bloodshot, mood changes, and a general lack of time to do anything else under the sun. I tell you the truth, 5 hours on one day's homework for this one class--every DAY! To top it off, my progress was not going so well. I was half dead and it had only been two weeks. In any case, I was strongly encouraged to drop this class and reconsider my major.
I did, and life's been relatively normal ever since. I'm smiling. I watched a movie with my family. I feel healthy. My friend Chela was going through the exact same thing in her chemistry class. I encouraged her to drop it as I did (as it was an elective anyway) and her life has gone back to normal as well. Being miserable is not conducive to learning, I'm sorry. I've never dropped a class before and all during my decision making time I was telling myself that I'm weak and a failure for not being able to handle it. Well, yes to the first, no to the second. After I dropped it, it was like Paul's eyesight being restored, I felt a veil between me and reality being lifted, and now my time at Luther is not that different then my time at NICC (I do miss some of those people though, and their much faster more reliable internet).
It's not like Luther's classes are any harder, in fact, my gen-eds are easier. It's just that I don't have the mindset necessary for accounting. what I liked was book-keeping. It relaxes me. This other stuff? Not on your life. I've left that horrid stench behind me permanently.
I now also have a work-study job which I'm really excited about. I get to record the recitals performed by the music students. Not only am I being paid to learn basic sound engineering (something I would have paid to learn myself), but I get to hear all of the music--most of which is superb. Oh, and my boss is a male version of Sam Darling if anyone can imagine that. He's a hoot. I hope it stays that way. I was led to believe that I could use the booth to record my own material, but I'm not sure that I can do that. I would be able to use the booth for post-production, but the actual recording would have to take place elsewhere.
I'm reading Bone again (excellent graphic novel), and wishing there were better movies coming out this holiday season.
Warning: The following is a self-centered rant.
Warning: if you're in a good mood, this will probably spoil it.
Warning: if you're in a bad mood, this won't help.
Disclaimer: I've said it all before and, lo and behold, I'm saying it again. This is by far the longest time of trial I've ever been through. I don't mind if others read it, but I feel bad for all the negativity I'm spreading. Proceed at your own risk.
So here I am, and I feel so much in both good and bad ways. I feel anxious because the close call with my major (I'm switching to management *ugh*) brings to light the urgency I feel to get on with my life. I want out of school. The plan always to get a normal marketable degree (aka cushion) and then move on to what I feel called to do: the creative arts. But life is short, and I'm not really interested in business. I feel like this is a waste of time and money. I know it will help pave the way to a normal middle class life, but maybe that's not God's plan for me (so says the naive 20 year old). But I haven't had to live life without the luxuries provided by my parent's hard work, so who am to make judgments on what I can handle or not? I'm sheltered and I don't know what I'm really made of.
I'm also a believer in God's hand being a part of where I go in life. Luther was a wide swinging open door that is um-mistakenly Gods plan for me. But obviously, feeling great and proud about what I'm doing is not. I would like to do theatre but that would be missing the point of getting a college degree wouldn't it? It's about security and reducing financial risk. I'm not sure how I feel about that concept (again--naivety?)
I live off-campus so I'm not a part of the social network here (like that would be a good idea in the first place). But still it's nice to know people. Magpie is unrecognizable. I feel irrevocably distant from its goals and its people. I've been ousted in spirit for the most part. I'm just surviving now. I would like to be close to what we are doing as a team, but that's like asking a child of divorce to whole-heartedly embrace a step-parent. Because one came first, the other will always be second. It's not all bad there though. Esther is a good leader, and Rose has been an un-expected source of sanity for me. She cheers me up.
But thats it isn't it? Someone has to cheer Cade up or he will remain sad. I rely on others to make me happy, why can't I make myself happy? But that would be just as selfish wouldn't it? Either way, I've been wondering what exactly I've done to nourish my friendships lately. The answer? Probably nothing.
Oh garbledyshooknitz!!!!! It's all just going down hill!!! Just look at this blog, what used to be a place for me to come and write my passionate opinions (woohoo?), and tell about the interesting things I've been thinking about. Why no more? All I write about is ugly stuff. What a waste.
On the plus side, the original reason I wanted to write this post is that I've also been feeling much more worshipful and I wanted to try and express that here. Heh, worthy goals. I am worshiping, just not on here yet. I hope I get there.
What is it that God's trying to tell me through all of this? It's not like there's death in my family, or hardship--it's not that bad. But why do I feel so un-fulfilled all the time?
What do I have to let go of to let God in?
"Restore unto me, the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me." --that's a psalm somewhere that's also a song.
I'm not giving up on God, I'm just getting impatient with him and myself. Again, what do I have to let go of to start hearing his clear voice again?
