Cade Loven - TheSecretFire

Failception

2012-01-04T18:19:00.000-06:00

My friend Claire Butchkoski defines:

"Failception"

--A Fail within a Fail

Example: a McDonalds inside a Walmart.

:)

Top Five Most Romantic Songs

2011-12-13T22:50:00.003-06:00

My top five most romantic songs:

Bye Bye Blackbird (Diana Krall version) -
The Dark End of the Street (James Carr)
Kissing You Love (Des'ree)
As Time Goes By (Dooley Wilson version)
Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol)

Honorable Mention: La Vie En Rose (Edith Piaf)

Bonus - in the category of "love song that never fails to make me cry":

10,000 Miles (Mary Chapin Carpenter)

The Wrath of God

2011-11-09T15:49:00.005-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about who Christ is and what he means in my life. I did some musing on this in a previous post called "Nativity" a year or two ago. However, that was at the beginning of a nasty faith crisis which lasted for two years. At this point in my life my faith is on a road to recovery which adds to the urgency of my pursuit of Christ's identity and role in my life. But my loss of faith and subsequent turnaround is for a future post maybe.

Anyway, I've had trouble recently wrapping my head around the necessity of Christ - specifically, the necessity of Christ on the cross. Why did God choose this plan? Why didn't God simply say "you're forgiven" if he is the judge anyway? Why the cross? What happened at the cross? "The ultimate atoning sacrifice for all our sins"...okay..."the perfect sacrifice"...okay... But...why the sacrifice?

Couldn't Jesus in his perfection simply declare "I win"?

These questions arise out of a perception of God which is steeped in His primarily loving and merciful nature. Let's face it, it's not popular or fashionable to talk about how we're in sin and in need of saving--most people in this culture don't even believe sin exists! But in these thoughts, I keep forgetting that God is not just merciful but also just. He cannot endure the sight of sin (Habakkuk 1:13)--hence the rise of God's wrath. We feel anger at the sight of some evils, but God is overpowered with it at the sight of all evil. God's wrath is so potent that it requires blood to satisfy it. We know this because of God's instructions to Israel about how to pay for the sin they had committed: blood sacrifice, innocent animals who ceremonially pay for God's wrath on the behalf of Israel-over and over again.

So what happened at the cross? Here's how David Platt describes it in his book Radical:

Listen to his words: "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." The "cup" is not a reference to a wooden cross; it is a reference to divine judgment. It is the cup of God's wrath. [Psalm 75:8, Isaiah 51:22, Jeremiah 25:15, Revelation 14:10]

This is what Jesus is recoiling from in the garden. All God's holy wrath and hatred toward sin and sinners, stored up since the beginning of the world, is about to be poured out on him, and he is sweating blood at the thought of it.

What happened at the Cross was not primarily about nails being thrust into Jesus' hands and feet but about the wrath due to your sin and my sin being thrust upon his soul. In that holy moment, all the righteous wrath and justice of God due us came rushing down like a torrent on Christ himself [emphasis added]. Some say "God looked down and could not bear to see the suffering that the soldiers were inflicting on Jesus, so he turned away." But this is not true. God turned away because he could not bear to see your sin and my sin on his Son.

One preacher described it as if you and I were standing a short hundred yards away from a dam of water ten thousand miles high and ten thousand miles wide. All of a sudden that dam was breached, and a torrential flood of water cam crashing toward us. Right before it reached our feet, the ground in front of us opened up and swallowed it all. At the Cross, Christ drank the full cup of the wrath of God, and when he had downed the last drop, he turned the cup over and cried out, "It is finished."

This is what is so hard for me and others to reconcile: why would a loving God require blood to save us? Isn't that horrific and violent? How could it be God's plan for us to kill the one man the world needs the most?

Ain't it crazy
What's revealed when you're not looking all that close
Ain't it crazy
How we put to death the ones we need the most

--Over the Rhine, "Jesus in New Orleans"

How could God's plan for redemption appear to be so blood-thirsty? Where is the love? Where is the mercy? Here's what I've been discovering about that. I sometimes forget the most important aspect of this bloodletting:

Jesus himself was God.

The wrath of God must be satisfied-and if we don't believe that then maybe we're underestimating just how tremendous this wrath is and why it makes no sense for God to simply drop it.

This is the key though: God isn't turning this overpowering wrath on us-- he is turning it on himself! The wrath of God is satisfied by God absorbing it within himself. That is the merciful God that we love to praise and talk about.

In this way, I can see exactly how the God of wrath I see in the old testament (and Revelation) is the very same God (unchanging) who is full of perfect love and compassion for humankind--a wretched people.

As for the fate of those who reject Christ and his un-paralleled display of love on the cross, it seems clear that the wrath of God is still a reality for them. There are all manner of views on salvation, heaven and hell, but I won't delve into that subject here.

I will say that now more than ever I have an understanding of how God is both just and merciful, wrathful and full of love.

1 Peter 1:8

2011-11-04T13:21:00.000-05:00

This verse means a TON to me these days.

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,-1 Peter 1:8

Bad religion

2011-11-01T12:09:00.002-05:00

I found this in my notebook.

It is a quote from Lee Strobel's "Case For Christ," an interview with Louis S. Lapides on page 235

The quote:

What good is religion if it can't help people in a practical way? "

Here was the response I scribbled on the paper:

Can religion exist if no help to people? could the good - the changed lives and transformation be evidence of God and not simply wishful thinking? If no change, is no good, then change is good - which makes it a good religion?

Rambling

2011-10-20T11:01:00.005-05:00

This is the text to a slam-poem I did at a gig for "The Cedars of Lebanon" on October 8th 2011 at the Yacht Club, Iowa City IA. It's better to hear it performed than to read it, but sometimes the subtle stuff gets missed in a performance.

There's no official title for this piece other than "Rambling"--I call it that because when I wrote it I had no clear direction of where I was going with it. I just had these different things I knew I wanted to hit on (like the bitter "my public needs me," the piano, the quotes from Job, and the ocean drinking/swimming bits). In retrospect, there is a thread that goes through it.

Other titles which have been suggested:

"You're an ocean, and I am absent from it" -- an audience member at the Yacht Club. I believe he said he's a local MC.
"I am lost in the cadence" - Sunny Singh
"The Sound of Your Voice"--myself

Note: the term "hoary" is defined as "1: grey or white with or as if with age" and "2: extremely old, ancient" - I used this on purpose, it's not a misspelling of "whorey" :)

I don't get to write this kind of thing very often, so thanks God (for real).

Anyway, here it is.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be a hero? – To have a dark and mysterious past
which I cannot escape nor sooner forget-
A tragic happenstance to incite me to a journey through adversity and obstacles,
through fire and jungles all the way to the all-encompassing theme or purpose
-- maybe authentic, but awe-inspiring nonetheless
But I’m not a hero, and that’s awkward

What am I supposed to do when my voice is a vasty empty void which is hoary and selfish?
What am I supposed to do when I’m supposed to be
and what I’m supposed to be is holy and true?

If you’ve got something to say, I’m all ears and eyes,
legs for walking and feet for running
along with a filthy heart that thirsts for meaning
and a skeptic habit which is starting to smell and give me itches.

I’ve got nothing to say, but
my public needs me
Truly, I have nothing to give
but it’s all God gave me
Not for cherishing or for playing
rather for keeping sacred or for throwing in the trash

Truly I say unto thee:
I’d rather be free from these choices which could result in
inconvenient / unromantic death
or even mild discomfort.
Sure I could run and hide, but the last guy to try that got eaten by a fish and spewed all over Persia.

Any minute now, a piano’s gonna fall and crush the
not-so subtle pride which I use to decorate my white-washed tombs.
My throat’s an open grave which I use to bestow
my false humility upon eager ears.
But hanging over my bed at night are those big letters spelling “hypocrite.”
What letters hang over your bed at night whispering sweet condemnation into your smug little dreams?

…but wait, wasn’t there something about a piano?
*KERSMUSCH!!*
“Brace yourself like a man!”
God says: “I will question you, and you shall answer me!”
And at the sound of his voice I put my hands over my mouth

But only for a minute ‘cause I can’t keep my mouth shut.

You’re an ocean, and I’ve been trying to drink it –
as if to swallow away the mystery of the eternal
and thereby somehow contain it within my flesh.

Well I’m through drinking, so instead I’m gonna swim in it forever
from one shore to another
through the depths of canyon waves
and floating in glassy seas
inside a sphere of stars and universes
awestruck at the choice of words.
What kind of arrogance could possess me to ask you to humble yourself?

Your mouth speaks and it is so.
So speak me good ‘cause you are good
and I am helpless without you.
Speak me far and speak me wide
because you are kind and I want you to.
Speak me whole and say me filled
and I will pray you blessed
and sing you loved

At the sound of your voice, my heart leaps for joy
and I am lost in the cadence.

PC nostalgia

2011-09-16T16:10:00.002-05:00

So I'm in this computer lab at UIowa and I decided to use a PC machine instead of logging into one of the Macs over in the corner. I use Macs all the time for film projects and for my job. I love Macs - they're glossy, fast, chic and a little hipster (they would be more hipster if they were typewriters).

But over time, I have come to miss the feeling of a PC. There is something that is refreshingly lowbrow about them.

My nostalgia for PCs: it's the railroad man, not the information highway.

But then again...who cares?

Artsy

2011-07-06T21:58:00.003-05:00

I was driving to Cornerstone 2011 when I started thinking about what makes an artifact a work of art. This view of things encompasses the broadest view of what art is (music, visual, experiential etc. Yes, I am presenting yet another completely subjective definition. I did this for myself. I present it here because I like to keep track of these things.

Anyway:

To put it simply, art is born when an artist or viewer claims: "Pay attention! This has meaning."

When one views God as an artist and the universe as his art, we had better be paying attention.

A quick thought on something Rob Bell said

2011-03-24T11:47:00.006-05:00

I haven't read Rob Bell's book "Love Wins"...though I intend to at some point. I'm one of those people who likes to read a book without paying for it...before paying for it. I want to make sure I support it before I buy it. If that makes sense.

In other words, this is not a response to his book. PLEASE, everybody calm down about this book.

Anyway. In an interview somewhere in the seas of youtube, Bell makes a comment which of course was interrupted by the interviewing journalist. The comment intrigued me because it is a doctrinal view which I have been engaging with for a long time.

He said something to the effect that he believes that much of the love of God and the purpose of Jesus' coming to earth was to be fulfilled on earth. That is, our salvation, according to Bell, seems to be wrapped up in our time on earth, not just in our final destination (be it heaven or hell).

Did you catch that? Salvation (what happens because of Christ) is not about life after death but life here and now.

To a great extent, I agree with him. Here's why:

A few years ago I was reading through the gospel of John, chapter 17. In Jesus' prayer for his disciples, Jesus says "Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

I've mentioned it in various posts here and conversations elsewhere, my belief that many of the scriptures pertaining to "eternal life" are not only referencing our life after death, but our life after Christ (salvation)--on earth.

In other words, "eternal life" begins when we "know" God and Jesus. This comes from the gospel of John. My inference about scripture's many references to "eternal life" and their implication for life on earth comes from John as well.

This is simply because I believe we know God and Christ here on earth.

This sounds simple perhaps, but it's loaded with possible theological implications. I haven't dwelt on it too much.

ANYWAY, all this to say, it seems as if this idea that "eternal life" begins HERE and NOW--not after we die--is part of the foundation for Rob Bell's argument in "Love Wins." I don't know that for sure as I haven't read the book.

Of course, the idea that the Salvation of Christ is an earthly salvation does not negate an afterlife in my mind. Yes our sins hold consequences on earth (our own personal hell) and yes there are lovely experiences to be had on earth courtesy of its creator (our personal heavens). However: from what reviewers and pundits have said, Rob Bell's book may be challenging heaven and hell's existence in the afterlife. If indeed he is doing so, I'm sorry to hear it. One would have to remove scripture's status as God's Word in order to achieve this argument(a viable option for Bell, if indeed he wants to take his ministry in this direction). Does this mean that we have flawed conceptions of what heaven and hell are? Sure. I wouldn't be surprised. But Bell is treading on dangerous ground--I hope he is doing this prayerfully.

Unfortunately, it seems that Rob Bell makes his living off of getting rises out of people and creating controversy. I wish there were ways for thinkers like him to get his ideas out there without provoking people.

All that to say, I look forward to reading "Love Wins" though I wish it wasn't such a media sensation . That takes a lot of the value out of these discussions sometimes.

Listening to Beethoven

2011-03-23T13:52:00.005-05:00

I am having a particularly good moment listening to Beethoven. This picture captures the epic genius that is my new best friend.

Some of my favorite movie trailers: all have ONE thing in common

2011-02-14T11:09:00.004-06:00

Awesome

Songs

Even if I really disliked the given movie, if it's a trailer I watched a billion times, it's almost always because there was a really really good song playing in the background.

Here they are, in order no less, least to best:

300 (teaser)

Daybreakers

Sin City (teaser)

Legend of the Guardians

Across the Universe

The Phantom of the Opera

Watchmen

9

Max Payne

Terminator Salvation

Where the Wild Things Are

Eisenstein

2011-01-29T12:56:00.009-06:00

A characteristically bombastic statement from the always fashionable Sergei Eisenstein from his "The Dramaturgy of Film: The Dialectical Approach to Film Form" :

"The limit of organic form (the passive principle of being) is NATURE. The limit of rational form (the active principle of production) is INDUSTRY and: at the intersection of nature and industry stands ART."

Why is this interesting to me? He is effectively admitting that art has almost irreparable roots in the commercial sphere. That's interesting enough. But it goes on.

It's a synthesis of mankind's nature (primitive, instinctive) and mankind's reason (transforming the world into our own image, an idol for us to worship).

Somewhere in between those two extremes is a much celebrated human pastime: addressing the mystical needs of the creator (artist) and perhaps most importantly, those of one's neighbors (spectators).

So yeah. Ultimately, this is not at all what Eisenstein was talking about. But now that I have successfully dispelled my self-affected profundity, I can rest easy.

I don't even like Eisenstein that much. But check that wacky picture.

Nudist

2011-01-27T16:19:00.001-06:00

I would be a nudist if I didn't have to take my clothes off.

The Nativity

2011-01-14T16:15:00.005-06:00

In the days leading up to Christmas 2010, I was having a conversation with my friend Dan Raney about the nativity scene and its significance. Besides tried but true concerns over the materialistic elements of the holiday (gifts, family reunions, nostalgia) obscuring the spiritual ones, there is a deeper, more personal side to Christmas and the nativity scene which I have come to understand.

On the outset, the story of the nativity always seemed to me to be a kind of magical children's story. It is easy to separate the nativity scene from the rest of Jesus' life because of centuries of tradition which highlight the nativity as an occasion for a holiday (a holiday which I absolutely adore by the way, so don't get me wrong on that count).

In all the nostalgia and hoopla, I find myself forgetting the magnitude of Jesus' birth and what the implications are of this scene.

Sometimes it is easier to contemplate the implications of Jesus' appearing on earth when I consider the alternative: where would I be if he had never come? I shudder to think of how close we are to oblivion if it were not for Jesus. Throughout the Bible, Jesus' accomplishments are said to result in "salvation" for us, that we are being saved from something.

I imagine what it would be like if I died and God was not there. The imagined horror is almost too much to contemplate. Jesus saves us from that.

1 John 5: 9-12

We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God which he has given about his son [Jesus]. Anyone who believes in the son of God has the testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his son. He who has the son has life; he who does not have the son of God does not have life.

It is through Jesus that life is found, and that life is eternal. God says so.

John 17: 1-5

After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: "Father, the time has come. Glorify your son, that your son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began."

The purpose of Jesus appearance was so we could know God = that we may have eternal life. I personally believe this begins on earth (the transformation) and continues long after (in God's presence, in heaven).

To me, this idea is revolutionary. The Jews have been waiting for salvation, the rest of the world does not believe in it, but we have it right now! Jesus made it possible to know God...right now. What other hope is there but to know God?

Now that we know God, Jesus continues his work: everything is transformed and made new.

Revelation 21: 1-4

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Who is facilitating all of these things? Jesus is. Not us.

Revelation 21: 5

He who was seated on the throne said "I am making everything new!" Then he said "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Jesus transforms everything.

Revelation 21: 6-8

He said to me, "it is done. I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But to the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars--their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.

This fiery lake is what it is like to be apart from God. Because of Jesus appearance on earth, we are saved from that separation and come into a much different inheritance: all of this heaven stuff instead of this hell stuff. Jesus made this possible.

In this way, the nativity scene amazes me not only because of the surrounding details (the star, the angel chorus etc.) or even the connection with the cross. But rather, I am amazed by the fact that the nativity scene happened at all.

The fact that Jesus happened is easy to take for granted until we realize how powerless we are.

When my family drove through Canada as part of a cross-country trip, our van conked-out in the middle of Canada’s many expanses of wilderness. We had no cell-phone. There were no houses or towns nearby. We were lost.

We were completely at the mercy of our circumstances.

Without warning, a tow truck appears in the distance and then pulls over to see if we needed help. We weren’t even waiting 20 minutes before he showed up. He towed us to the nearest town (about 45 minutes away) and we were able to get the van fixed. My parents always say that that guy was an angel.
This is a real-life, honest-to-goodness, salvation story. Having done nothing, having earned nothing, we were saved by the tow truck – we were certainly unworthy of this blessing.

What I remember most was the relief at seeing this tow-truck arrive. How much more so is our relief at seeing our salvation through Christ?

That is what strikes me about the Nativity scene when I consider it today. Relief and amazement that it happened at all.

To Cade the Philosopher

2010-11-11T11:20:00.004-06:00

To Cade the philosopher:

Remember this --

It is not good enough to ponder questions. One must develop conclusions.

[This is the age old problem with philosophical disciplines]

Some Sincere Prayers

2010-10-28T15:27:00.004-05:00

At this moment, I am overcome with a desire to achieve my earthly dreams. I want to succeed, I want to blaze my trail and best all obstacles that stand in my way. I want to release the burdens I have accumulated for so many years and wish so much that one day, others would be as blessed by them as I have been.

I see defeat all around me, but my hope is to be one of the exceptions, to be a hardened survivor of my life's hurdles.

As I outlined in my post "Envy," my motivations for these desires run the risk of vanity and selfishness. Do I really want to create for God or do I want to create for me?

My prayer is that I would find fulfillment in these areas. I pray that either you would take away my desire and relieve my burdens. Or, I pray that you would grant me contentment, so that I can live with my imperfection and learn to be patient. Or, I pray that the release of these would come soon--so I can move on.

All that to say, I pray that these desires would not overrun my life. I have lost sight of my greatest need--to know and experience you. In my heart I know that nothing is more important or worthy of my attention than your spirit. But in my flesh, I am pulled and torn in so many directions--my life is crowded and I cannot see you anymore. I forget what it means to see you in everything like I used to. I could see your hand in every event, every moment, every molecule--the vast work of art that is the natural world and the universe which contains it.

Now, at best, I see your shadow. I know what I believe but now it is not obvious anymore; I have to fight so hard because my feelings betray my faith in you. I do not feel you or even want you anymore sometimes. But your presence and voice are so distant and I am afraid that I will never return to that place with you again.

Please roar with the voice of lions, call with the thunder of the ocean, rise from the smoldering ashes and kindle the flame that has always been my light.

I ask that you not abandon me, but I also want you to know that I will not abandon you either. Everything I have, everything I know has been given to me. I do not craft my life, I submit to it.

To the author of life: be the author of my life.

Please help me to live with grace.

Please show me how to love my friends.

Tell me the truth, and then take me home.

I long for you.

The Cutest

2010-10-28T11:16:00.001-05:00

What is the cutest thing?

Little little kids with winter hoods and/or mittens.

What I'm Learning in Iowa City #1 and #2

2010-08-24T14:50:00.002-05:00

#1: A question in Biology.

I realize that this is a gross stereotype but why is it that so many football players have tiny heads and gigantic jaws?

#2: A question in sociology

Even only three hours away from Decorah I see more varied culture in Iowa City. For instance -- In five out of the five courses I have had so far (all film-related courses granted) a professor has had so something to say about or mentioned the recent Chris Nolan film Inception. I'd be hard pressed to find someone who gave a crap about Inception in Decorah. Who knew that this was a "controversial" or "polarizing" film?

Text for an acting performance

2010-08-23T10:05:00.003-05:00

I found this in an old notebook and felt that it was worth saving. The following is what amounts to an inspired poem thingy which I wrote spring of 2009. The assignment was to draft a script of sorts or a "score" for a short acting performance in a class. I browsed through the large collection of books in the Luther library by title and then glancing through to see if there were any profound passages which could accidentally be discovered. I picked up “The Old South” by Ama Botemps and randomly flipped to Ch. 3 (Talk to the music). There I found my passage on which to base my score. It is heavily edited to make it seem more surreal, but there are a few lines which are lifted directly from the book's text. So here it is:

The sadness of her song
I wanted to ask who had hurt her
and why it was so hard
I don't think I'll ever know

With one arm she reached for her bottle
and with the other she played the rhythm
The rhythm played on its own for a while
Behind her face I could see the years of trouble
had worn the surface of this hidden woman

Finally, she couldn't hold it back any longer:
The longing -- the teaching -- the song she had saved

Some of us there were able to move while
the rest of use could only listen
Her song was so sad, terribly sad
and desire...that's sad too

Fallen angels had never wailed like this
no matter how they grieved for paradise

She told me after, that the music had no power
That nothing could be changed by a word or song
"It changed me" I blurted bluntly; "I changed"
She replied: "That's good...that's good"

Assurance

2010-07-20T12:33:00.009-05:00

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was leading a group in prayer. Toward the end he said something which I couldn't shake off. He asked God: "Please do not abandon me."

The prayer struck a chord with me. I too have asked the question: will God deliver? Will He be there when I need him? Will He be there when I die? To some it may seem odd to ask these questions since I am a believer. To others it would be pointless to ask them at all because to them, God's non-existence is a forgone conclusion. Regardless, I am compelled to ask.

In matters like these, the only "data" I have to base my investigations on come from personal experience, the experiences of others, and the scriptures we know as the Bible. Since experience is by nature subjective, I choose to use a more universal data set in the scripture. The Bible is what it is. Here are some of the assurances it offers regarding whether God will deliver:

John 14: 1, 6 --

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me"...Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Christ is telling us not to surrender to our fears. Fear is at the root of many of my doubts. God would have us trust in him. To trust is to give up the need for control without guarantee of my own intentions coming through. Jesus tells us here that he is the way to God--he brings us there. By surrendering to him, instead of to fear, Jesus claims that he is the one who ultimately makes it happen.

Ps. 37: 4-5, 37-40 --

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:...The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

Here I believe David is referencing the transforming power of a relationship with God. As we progress in our relationship with him, our will and desires become more similar to God's own. By aligning myself with God, his purposes become my own. In this sense, the Bible is saying God delievers bcause those of us who long for him and his ways will find them. Throughout this psalm David repeatedly urges us "Do not fret." This is an important message for me because I myself find that fretting, or dwelling on my insecurities and fears rarely leads to a successful conclusion. The quote above also recommends taking refuge in him. I am urged to once again, put my trust in him and then I am promised salvation (fulfillment, meaning, being made whole). Worrying does not help me. Contemplation, submission, and acceptance are perhaps the more rewarding reactions to questions such as "will God deliver?"

Prov. 3:5-8 --

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

The Bible is telling me here that I do not have to have everything figured out myself. At different times in my life I have derived a belief that my purpose is to comprehend and understand the points of life and our universe. This is obviously a tall order but regardless I find myself in a search for definitive answers which I can discover and then relax--because there is nothing left to contemplate. As many discover over and over again, it is not possible to figure everything out. At this point some people either despair or simply declare that there is no point to it all. The Bible tells me that the real issue is that it is not mine to know everything, but rather to continually discover as much as I can. In other words, the endless questions do not mean defeat and meaninglessness. The endless questions mean that we will always have a need for God to answer them.

There is a quote which I love from the classic, though over-taxed, film The Matrix. In the film a sage says to his pupil that "there is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path." I have always thought that this was a helpful way to look at the relationship between God's perspective and our own. Our own wisdom cannot be enough to grant us the perspective needed to reach our full potential and fulfillment. Because of God, our wisdom does not have to be enough. Our trust gets us there regardless.

2 Cor 4:8-10 --

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Is God delivering even when we suffer? What I believe the Bible says is suffering is not a signal that we are out of God's favor. When suffering occurs, it is not because God abandoned us. I believe this because good people suffer along with the bad. The Bible never promises freedom from suffering. In fact, Jesus says outright that Godliness is met with suffering on Earth. What the Bible does promise is relief from suffering and maybe growth (refinement). Why should we be free from suffering anyway? What have we done to deserve it? God himself suffers! The Bible says we participate in Jesus' suffering. Nothing bonds people together like fellowship in suffering. We are sharing with him.

When in the midst of the pain, it is sometimes hard to realize that nothing is over until it is over. As Cormac McCarthy examines in his novel The Road, we can carry "the fire" as long as there is one. Who can say when all goodness has been beaten out of my life? At what point is my spirit beyond revival? Who can say? McCarthy's characters seem to believe that no one can. Until life itself is taken or given away, there is always something there to keep us going. The Bible says that God is that thing.

Dt. 31:6 --

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

My relationship with God is not one-way. I suffer with Christ and at the same time, God fights alongside me. My struggle is God's struggle in the same way that his suffering and love become my own. God's constant companionship in our experiences is a sign of his friendship.

Ps. 46:10-11 --

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

The Bible's statement here takes us beyond trust. It says to know. I believe that this is possible.

At this point, I have outlined a few places where the scripture has made a statment about whether or not God will deliver. Some of us can take these messages as they are and carry on. However, not everyone can. Many of us stumble over the obvious truth that belief in the God of the Bible requires a measure of faith. How can we believe what the Bible says about God? Our question then becomes not "will God deliver" (because the Bible says he will) but rather "will my faith in God deliver?" Will my faith be betrayed? Will my faith abandon me in the end?

I would not be the first to struggle with the necessity of faith. Romans 9 says that the necessity of faith in Jesus as the source of salvation was a "stumbling block." The new believers had a difficult time believing that God would accept and love them without having earned God's favor. How could Christ be enough to unite God and man?

Rom. 9:33 --

As it is written: "See, I lay in Zion a stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame."

I face a similar stumbling block in the scriptures. Can this collection of writings really be the word of God? How is this belief not foolish? The Bible says that I will not be put to shame for believing in him. How can I know that?

Once again, we only have the data we have. Here is what my experience has taught me about this matter. I cannot deny that the way of Christ, his teachings, and their transforming power are good? Regardless of the troubled history of the church, who can look at what the Bible itself says about Christ and say it is not good? The goodness of the text stands for itself in my belief. There is little other proof of its relationship to a God which cannot be seriously contested.

I have not found a better way of life or a better philosophy than that which is outlined in the Bible.

After all of that, I am left with the following. If I have faith that the Bible is the word of an existing God, then I have my assurance: God will deliver.

Ps. 138:8 --

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

My friend's prayer was sincere and justified. "Please do not abandon me." The Bible says that God will not abandon us. God's purpose for all creation--the point of it all--is fulfilled through us by him, if that makes any sense. It's all in the bag.

Envy

2010-07-20T12:08:00.003-05:00

I was having trouble sleeping a few nights ago. My mind was too noisy. The following is something I wrote down to help process some of the things I was thinking about:

I was thinking about how I have all of these songs I have started and have not finished. I have music but no words (or few). I have feelings but they are too difficult to translate. I just can't craft songs on command to serve my emotional or practical needs. Perhaps I am setting my standards too high. I also crave the process of collaboration with musicians because I starve for fellowship--or more accurately validation. I want to prove to those who I admire (and myself) that I am good enough for them, that I am like them--that I am them, or better. There are also good reasons why I wish to write songs: blessings. I myself have been blessed by others' music and I wish to do so myself. I want to bless others the way I have been blessed. But that righteous motivation is couched in a desire for validation once again. I want to be the one to do the blessing and I want the glory for it.

I covet others' glory--most importantly God's. When I am listening to great live music I think "I want others to feel what I feel but I want to be the one who makes it happen." I want to be the one whose songs and self are on stage when the audience is blessed through experience and music. I envy those who are blessing me.

This is partially out of an immature need I have to please God with works. I somehow equate musical or artistic success with pleasing God. As if God needed my success to love me--as if I could define "success" according to God--as if God cared about "success." God supposedly loves me not matter what. I wish I could understand and internalize it.

Anyway, I realized today that my envy cheats me greatly. I ought to just enjoy (and absorb) the blessing I receive and not envy those God uses to bless me. At a concert, I should remain in the moment and store its blessing away in my heart. I should be greatful for the blessings I have and experience. Instead, I am always thinking of what I need to do in response. I must learn to just be. I can just watch a sunset and not worry about capturing its beauty with a camera. Let each moment pass.

I hope God does allow me to give to others as I have been given to because I believe my desire is partially sincere. But it will take some time for me to understand what that really means. I just hope I am humble enough and brave enough to see it.

06/30/10

How's the weather out there? : What I'm learning at the Library

2010-02-27T11:42:00.004-06:00

A question in Meteorology:

At this time I work at a public library and a locally owned coffeehouse. Both of them are in a small town: I get my fair share of local denizens, eager for small talk. What is the single most common thing everyone seems interested in discussing? The Weather!

I used to puzzle about why so many people cared about the weather. Who cares? Really! We have eyes, we see. This curiosity is not something I get passionate about, though I may sound that way. In any case, I figured out a satisfactory answer:

The weather is one of the few things an entire community expereinces together--completely. Everyone is aware of the weather and that makes it the single most common experience from which conversation is derived.

Yeah yeah, I know it's not a big deal. It's actually kind of cute if you think about it. Small talk can try my patience, but it's refreshing when people are genuine about it.

2009: a cinematic retrospective

2010-02-17T12:31:00.029-06:00

I realize that it is a little late perhaps to make a best-of list almost two-months after the year is over. I do so however, because it takes a while for me to see a lot of releases, and I often wait for DVD on a lot of them. It is my opinion that 2009 has been a dry year for movies. There are not many great films or even fun films which I would recommend to friends. Oh well, we can't have 2005 every year. Anyway, here's my list [at the time of this writing, the Oscars have not yet been handed out, just the nominees.]

Top Ten:

1: Avatar -- I told myself I wouldn't (and couldn't) like it, but I confess, I have been sucked in. Biggest spectacle I can remember next to the first time I saw The Fellowship Of The Ring. But Spectacle isn't everything, and this one would be severely diminished once bereft of the famous 3D presentation. As much as I like it, it's not Oscar material. Come on.

2: Public Enemies -- My favorite filmmaker (Michael Mann) delivers yet another grand entry into his canon. While this is not one of his top films, it is a cut above many of the other releases coming out these days. I loved the music and most of the script as well. I would have preferred more slick cinematography and a longer running time so we could grow to care for the characters a little more.

3: Zombieland -- What can I say? It was very gory but one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long time.

4: An Education -- This is the sad story of a brilliant young girl who loses her innocence at the hands of a manipulative older man. A family member went so far as to say that this excellent film is kind of a Jane Austen story (and I agree). There is a brilliant heroine, a weak but well intentioned family, and a journey through the conflict of evolving generational cultures and expectations. What else can I say? The script itself is very well written (by Nick Hornby!) and the cast was excellent. Carey Mulligan gives a great performance. In the realm of witty-er than life teenage girls, Mulligan's character trumps Juno in my book. Ultimately, I feel like this is an important film in terms of its themes. I think it was very under appreciated.

5: Red Cliff (Chi Bi) -- It bears mentioning that this film was released in the U.S. theatrically in a lengthy 148 minute cut. However, the film's DVD release includes the option of an even longer 288 minute cut (released internationally). The version I have seen is the international cut. I would be interested in seeing the theatrical cut because others have mentioned that it too is pretty good. It would be an interesting demonstration of the power of editing in the shaping of a film and story. Anyway, Red Cliff is a spectacular picture in almost every regard. Like many films in this genre, there are moments of indescribable visual craft. The cinematography, the visual effects, the special effects and the choreography all come together to create a veritable dance on the screen. The acting was serviceable, but given the characters as they were written, I don't think there was much room for actors to play around in. It was a treat to see Tony Leung in the lead though (remember him as Broken Sword in Hero?). The story is simple enough, but the writers have been able to stretch out the details to fill out the considerable length of the film. Despite the length, I felt it just flew by. I would love to see this again.

6: Where the Wild Things Are -- A woefully mismarketed delight. It is not a family film by any stretch. It is an overblown art film. The now classic movie trailer featuring the immortal Arcade Fire track "Wake Up" is much much better than the actual movie turned out to be, but that is a big shoe to fill.

7: Crazy Heart -- I found this film to be quite moving. In some ways, it had some obvious parallels with Tender Mercies (for which Robert Duval wont his Oscar). As good as Crazy Heart is however, it does not surpass the power of Tender Mercies. The first item of note in Crazy Heart is the top-notch soundtrack from T-Bone Burnett. The songs are certainly within the country genre, but they have such a rich and rootsy flavor. The music felt genuine--a far cry from much of the country music I have heard. As the film mentions, there is a strong blues influence in a number of the songs too, which I appreciate. Jeff Bridges does his own vocals excellently. He could probably have a career in music too if he so wished it. His voice is both worn and tender. The crowning achievement is the Oscar-winning song "The Weary Kind" performed by Colin Farrell (in the film) and Ryan Bingham (in the credits). This glowing ballad evokes the importance of amplifying selflessness and perseverance in the face of personal unimportance and obstacles. It is a beautiful song which I hope will be successful for years to come. Other than the music, the film features the Oscar nominated performance by Jeff Bridges which indeed does deserve the praise. I have a feeling that the character "Bad" Blake is the closest to Bridges own self he has every played. I could be wrong, but how else can a man exhibit such a person so completely? The story itself we have all seen before: a musician at the end of his career must battle his imperfections (alcoholism, absentee parenthood, humble circumstances) and find meaning for his life. But the strength is in Bridges' character who elicits our sympathy so completely that the unoriginality of the story does not hamper it. The film also has a nice visual look to it which showcases the beautiful southern landscapes. Ultimately, I felt like this was a story which showed some of the best which the southern culture has given to the U.S. It kind of makes me want to travel through that region again. After all is said and done, my new ambition in life is to become Jeff Bridges who is possibly the coolest dude in America. :)

8: Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' By Sapphire -- This was an unexpected success. I knew the reviews were good, but I did not expect to find such a cliched story told in such a powerful and fresh way. Stories like this one are good because it reminds people like me that unbelievable suffering is occurring in my neighborhood, and it reminds people like Precious that victims of circumstance can break the cycle. In addition to the 'message' of the piece, the film itself has merit. I found the sequences of Precious' fantasies (escapes) to be funny, touching, heart-breaking. The sequences were very well-designed. The acting was good all around--yes, including Maria Carey, Lenny Kravitz and most shockingly, Monique. Monique's performance as Precious' abusive mother was perfect. It's hard to believe she is the same woman. Gabourney Sidibe is also very good, considering that she is not a trained actress. All in all, this was a very good film, even though it was difficult. I wonder if it should have won best picture this year.

9: The Blindside -- I was amazed to see what I would label an "inspirational drama" achieve in the way The Blindside has. It seems like the sports film almost invariably steers to the tear-jerker realm and palette. This film is not exception, but for once, the characters earn the right to make us tear up. The film's power is boosted considerably by the fact that it is based on real and very recent events. Each of the characters are very real, believable, and likable. There were no true antagonists in this film which is refreshing. Not every victory must result in a loser who is evil. I also appreciated the realistic portrayals of "right-wing" conservatives--and southerners at that. I find it extremely annoying and yawn-inducing when filmmakers turn to their worn-out scapegoats (white-dubiously christian-southerners) as tools to make the audience feel better about their own evils ("at least I don't look stupid like that"). The only hindrance for me in enjoying this film completely was the fact that the Toueys were very rich. I wonder if the triumph and achievement would have been possible without the generous financial help from the Toueys. They paid for a private tutor and I assume they paid for Michael's education in college. Finally, I should mention that the kid who plays the character SJ was an absolute delight! Very good comic relief. Did Sandra Bullock deserve her Oscar for this role? I find myself surprised to say yes, I think she did. By halfway through the film I began to forget that Sandra was even in the movie; I just saw her character.

10: The Hurt Locker -- It is overrated, but still very well done. I kept thinking of Oliver Stone's Platoon while I watched it. Hurt Locker seems comparable to that wonderful film because it is a war film which focuses on characters, not epic battles and tragedy. I realize this is a bad year for movies, but I would not have thought this was Oscar material.

Honorable mentions:

Whatever Works -- I actually found this to be refreshing dose of typical Woody Allen fare. Larry David is a charming substitute for the man himself and I hope to see him in more movies (I haven't seen his show which is apparently similar). Is it Annie Hall? No, but it is better than a lot of the other Woody Allen films of the last few years (no I did not wet my pants over Match Point).

The Lovely Bones -- I really wanted to like this better but I couldn't. I didn't like the book very much, but I had hopes for this adaptation. I know Peter Jackson gets criticized for the length of his films, but I think this one suffered from the more marketable running time. I think many of its problems could have been made better by allowing the characters and situations to breathe. There are so many great scenes in this film but they are not cut together well; the story is an editing nightmare. The writers had some good ideas, but I do not think they could find a way to fit them all together coherently.

District 9 -- I enjoyed the refreshingly original storyline as well as the realistic production design. I did think that the Prawns (aliens) were a little hokey, but what other designs are left to cinematic off-worlders? I did think that I would like to see more stories within the world of this film, so a sequel is more than welcome by me. But honestly, a best picture nomination? No way.

Star Trek -- Again, this has been a bad year for movies. I only mention that here because I did not imagine that this fun, but forgetful movie would make my top-ten for the year [EDIT: This was bumped down from #10 on the top ten from when I first put up the post]. As I said, this film was a lot of fun. There is wild spectacle, decent humor, a respected history (it's fun to see with trekkies), and it was a special treat to see Eric Bana as an alien baddie. I also enjoyed that little green alien who followed Simon Pegg around--possibly my new favorite trek character. :) But yes, despite it all, I can't imagine myself pining to see this again unless friends are watching it. I'll rent it again someday. I am looking forward to seeing more installments however and will gladly catch them on the big screen.

My Sister's Keeper -- I don't typically put sentimental pop-dramas very high in the grand scheme of things, but this one surprised me in its quality. The performances were good, the turns (while broad) were good, and the technical elements were good. I felt for these characters and their plights got me to think of a lot of deep-life things. That is more than you could say for a lot of films in this genre. [Edit: no longer #6 on the top ten].

Up In The Air -- It shouldn't come as a surprise to me that this film was nominated this year as the pickings were generally slim for the voters. Still, I would not have thought this was best picture material in a normal year. However, the recognition it received for its screenplay was certainly deserved. This film had an excellent script. Each scene was vibrant and fresh. Otherwise, the opening sequence was one of the more inventive ones in recent memory. While all the cast was good, Anna Kendrick stood out to me. She maintained a level of cuteness (no other word for it) while sustaining a believable reality.

Shrink -- While flawed, I found this entry in the genre to be quite entertaining. I'm not sure what genre I mean though. I guess you could call it lonely, stylized, comic, city-dwelling angst movies. I kind of want to see this again.

Sherlock Holmes -- Mostly disappointing, but I had high expectations. It turned out to be pretty much as the trailer portrayed it (a little bland and unfocused). I liked the concept, the casting was perfect (Rachael McAdams couldn't help her badly written character), the score was one of the best of the year, and Guy Richie at the helm sounded like a dream come true. Not so much. I would rather have waited for DVD.

Up -- I did not really like this. Big disappointment. It is only here because it was daring, original, and occasionally laugh-out-loud funny (the frog being the biggest). I simply cannot believe that this was nominated for best picture this year. If any Pixar picture should have been nominated it was Wal-E.

Terminator Salvation -- I am shocked at how badly this was received. I found it to be a fun sci-fi action film with a great cast and great music (surprise). What was everyone thinking? Did anyone expect it to live up to T2?

Bright Star -- I had high hopes for this beautiful looking movie but the screenplay was too flat. The film is very well made, it's just that I did not really know the characters that well and did not sympathise with them very much.

A Serious Man -- The latest film from the always compelling, sometimes appalling, Coen Brothers is one of my favorites of theirs. I will be upfront: the ending is abrupt and bothersome. At first I was annoyed by it, but after a day or two, I really do not care anymore. What I liked about the film was everything which led up to the ending and frankly, that is enough for once. Here is my reasoning: As I think about what it means to have an abrupt ending, I realize that what we are missing initially is a narrative cap on the story which in a way "gives" the story to us to process and think about with a few pointers on where to start. In the case of "A Serious Man," its ending does not grant us this cap. At one point the storytellers just have nothing more to say, so the film just ends. To make matters worse, there is an unexplained beginning scene which is unrelated to the rest of the story (an opening short film...kind of). Throughout the main feature, I was waiting to see where the opening story would connect with the current one but it never does. In retrospect, I am able to say "oh well." So the opening scene wasn't connected to the rest of the movie. So what? It was a good scene wasn't it? The whole movie is made up of good scenes. It just does not have a coherent narrative thread. But enough about that: the film has great acting, great cinematography, and highly amusing scenes--I smiled often, but only laughed at a few choice moments. But that is okay isn't it? Anyway, what does a story about a boring, dysfunctional jewish family in the 1960s American midwest have to do with me? Absolutely nothing. But to borrow a great moment of dialogue from the film itself: "Who cares?"

Pirate Radio (aka "The Boat That Rocked")-- This film was a lot of fun. It has great music, an incomparable cast (Hoffman, Thompson, Nighy, Branaugh, etc.), and one of the most promising plots I have heard of in a long time. It has a palatable sense of humor though I rarely laughed out loud--but that's okay really! It is more fun than funny if that makes any sense (kind of like the Coen brothers' "A Serious Man"). What Pirate Radio has to a "T" is a sense of cool. The film's characters seem to be designed to be impossibly cool to the point of caricature. I wanted to be some of these characters or at least hang out with them and absorb their energy and spirit. Coupled with a superb set of songs for the soundtrack and we have, again, a very cool movie. However, I have to be honest when I say that the moral content of the movie cast me down a bit. I do not take issue with the depiction of sexual immorality and substance abuse in films unless they occur without comment. That is, if the audience is meant to condone or are encouraged to participate in immoral behavior rather than learn from it, then I take issue with the immoral content. There was little if no redeeming content in the film at all. It's all sin, so to speak. To top it off, the conservative opposition is portrayed as impossibly square and hypocritical. Many cultural leaders seem to align themselves with this reasoning: if you are not careless and impulsive, then you are boring and dangerous, and therefore, you are wrong. I understand that censorship (the sole voice of conservative outlooks in the film) is of dubious cultural value. However, the implicit message in most criticisms of censorship is that self-censorship is also harmful to society. In other words, by holding to moral standards which encourage self-control and even self-improvement. I suppose the conflict between the two worldviews is really over what it means to be good. Anyway, perhaps the fact that the film raises these controversies at all is good in and of itself.

The Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus-- Coinciding with my expectations, this movie was quite weird. I was looking forward to seeing Heath Ledger in his last film, though I tried my best not to burden the film with his death. I also was interested to see how the added cast members were used to fill in the gaps in Ledgers performance. What I didn't expect was that the film would have its own appeal. I enjoyed the humor--let this be a lesson to me: humor can make nearly any kind of story or character bearable. I began to care about some of the characters and took great delight in seeing Christopher Plummer play a fantastic wizard-type person. The film is overall not very remarkable in and of itself; only that it provided a unique film experience which kept me on my toes aesthetically.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox-- I was expecting this to be much more pretentious; as in, I did not expect to enjoy it. Often established auteurs like Wes Anderson find pleasure in lording their privileged voice over the obligatory cult audience. In the case of this film however, it seemed to hold broad appeal over a variety of audience types. First, it is funny--very funny at times. Second, it is charming--not the same thing as humor. Third, it is clever--a tight, witty script with surprisingly complex characters. Fourth, the animation is wonderful--if not slightly unsettling at times. In short, I would gladly watch this again.

The Road-- This film is remarkable only in that it sincerely tried to do justice to the much loved source material--the novel by Cormac McCarthy. Sadly, the film failed to live up to the great book. The film's strengths were in its restraint (very like the book) and its casting. Viggo Mortensen portrays his character in a very unheroic way. His performance makes his character seem like a real, flesh and blood, man--a man scared to death of the world and all that is in it. And yet we still empathize with him. Had this film been an original screenplay, perhaps I would have enjoyed it more. However, because I have seen how the material soars to great heights in the novel, I was sad to see the film achieve so little.

Movies from 2009 which I want to see:

A Christmas Carol
(Untitled)
Hunger

So that's that.

Death and whimsy: a curious coincidence

2010-02-17T12:13:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago, some friends and I were sitting in a coffee-shop and I asked if any of them had read The Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger and "why was it such a big deal." I was particularly interested because several of these friends came of age a lot closer to when this book became known (i.e., they were much older than I). So we talked and talked over the book, "I haven't thought about Salinger in forever," "it's a coming of age story," "it was controversial," "I don't remember much about it," "it's not the same as Catch-22," "it was emblematic of the times," "tome of teen angst" etc etc. Because so many people consider this book a classic for unique reasons, and because I had these discussions with my friends, and because my public library has a nice new-edition of the book, I went out and picked it up that night.

The next day, J.D. Salinger died. ... ?

That was weird.

One of my friends came to the coffeehouse the next day and declared wryly that I was not allowed to talk about living authors anymore. :)

Human Suffering: is there really a point to it all?

2009-12-29T21:40:00.009-06:00

This post is in response to a comment my friend Cory made to my previous post "Watering Camels." I think he brings up a good question (he has given me permission to publish his comments here):

Cory #1: Hey Cade, hope you are well. Read your post, but have a hard time with the "God allows us to go through tough times because it's just all part of his plan" thesis. What exactly are starving children learning from their suffering? Or children born with AIDS? Or those who died in the Tsunami? Death and suffering seem a high price to pay to teach someone a lesson.

Perhaps Scott losing his job was just bad luck, and not some divine master plan to teach him virtue.

Here is my response, which is overly huge. Hense, the seperate post for it:

Cade #1: Cory, thanks for reading the post and taking the time to respond. Since commenting on facebook does not show up on my proper-blog (it's imported to facebook), would it be okay for me to post your comments there?
You bring up some interesting points. As far as I can tell you are addressing a side tangent I made toward the end of the post, but still, your reflections are worth considering (as usual).
Here's my response:
...Keep in mind that I believe there is a God and my primary source for information about him is the Bible (not a universal assertion, but humor me). This is going to color my response obviously.... See More

As Obi Wan puts it; "In my experience there is no such thing as luck." Please do not laugh at me for drawing philosophical wisdom from Star Wars (haha), for the wisdom in this case is sound. I just do not see strong enough evidence for the belief that all events are strictly random. Of course, there is the timeless caveat that I see no strong evidence to the contrary either, which leaves the issue of luck in a slight state of ambiguity as far as I am concerned. I guess my point here is that I feel I am justified in my following beliefs because no one has proven that there is no order to the universe.

...blah blah blah--and so forth.

Getting back to the real world, I should clarify an important aspect to the idea of God having a "divine master plan" or "purpose" behind the evil which befalls humankind. I believe that much of the advance of evil is human driven. Bad things happen to us because people do bad things to people. I do not see the one person's infliction on another (purposeful or not) as strictly random. There is action and reaction and often these are guided by choice. This is not a new view on the problem of evil, but I still feel it is relevant.

As for God's involvement in the matter, I think it is theologically sound to believe that God allows our choices and the choices of others to affect us both negatively or positively. It seems defensible to believe that allowing choice to flourish and evolve is part of God's "plan."

I agree that death and suffering are high prices to pay, but look at what the human race has in exchange: autonomy. We have freedom of choice. If suffering at the hands of another person is the price I pay for the ability to make choices of my own free will, then I might venture to say that the price may be fair.

The moral integrity of such an assertion (justifying human suffering) could possibly be questioned due to the apparent imbalance of power and resources across the world (i.e. poverty). I have an answer to the issue, albeit, not an easy one. Those with power and resources have the opportunity (obligation is not fully accurate) to attempt to alleviate what material suffering they can through philanthropy and political maneuvering. Historically, these efforts can help greatly, but they do not eliminate the problem. This is because there will always be selfish people.

Anyway, my position is, the price of human suffering may indeed be a fair one--at least holistically. Is that easier for me to say due to my sheltered life? Perhaps. I think it is plausible that God's plan (as I see it) of allowing us to be autonomous agents is morally permissable.

I apologise for the excessive response, but that is me adhering to form. I believe this comment is even bigger than my post.

I would be interested in hearing any further views you have on these topics if you have the time to respond. Otherwise, what did you think about the idea behind the main post-proper?

Oh, and I missed seeing you and Adrian over Christmas! So merry Christmas plus four!

cade

Here is Cory's response to that (again, some important questions and points):

Cory #2:

Cade,

"no one has proven that there is no order to the universe"
ummmm.... quantum mechanics. Now it could be that quantum mechanics is really just a part of some higher order reality (i.e., it is incomplete), but based on what we know so far, the universe at its most fundamental level is probabilistic. Einstein's intuition of "God does not play dice" remains unproven (i.e., Neils Bohr and the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mehcnanics remain the accepted one).

With regard to the second half of your response, it seems you are trying to advance two theses:
1. The suffering in the world is caused by human choice
2. Free will is worth the cost of suffering

I think both have problems:
1. Your premise here is a false one. What about natural disasters for example? Genetic birth defects?
2. Really? I'd gladly give any free will I have away to prevent the Holocaust. However, my main problem with this argument is the assumption of free will to begin with. This is a hotly debated topic, and hardly something I would hang my hat on as a theodicy. From my reading on the subject, most psychologists and neuroscientists believe free will is an illusion created by the mind. I would argue that few, if any, decisions you make are truly free. Can you, a heterosexual male (presuming based on your post), suddenly decide to be attracted to other men? "You" are reducible to your brain. Your brain is a product of environmental and genetic variables that are beyond your control. Tell a depressed person to just choose to stop being depressed. Or a heroine addict to just choose to stop using. Or a person with brain leisons in the right places to stop being violent. I'm not arguing that there cannot be a kernal of freeness to our "will", but decisions are not made in vacuum. We are definitely not completely responsible for our behavior.

Here is my response:

Cade #2:

cory,

Ah, you have me picking my brain on some of these.

You also have done a great job of summarizing my points.

I admit it, I am not a scientist. I do not do scientific research, nor do I keep up with relevant journals. In other words, I really cannot comment on quantum mechanics. From your brief discription it seems as if there is not a consensus view on QM. Anyway, because I am not a scientist, it would be foolish for me to make arguments from that perspective--I would be in over my head. I have always considered scientific issues and questions as an outsider. I suppose it is worth mentioning that I do not follow scientific thought religiously either; as in, I do not look to science to be the sole avenue for discovery. I look at science as one of several ways in which to discover and understand our lives. But I digress.

I had neglected to address natural disasters, though I had thought about it. This is an excellent point. My thought on that in recent years has been mixed. Part of the problem people have with such tragedies is premature death. As we all die eventually and have no genuine control over that, the primary problem I see with God allowing for natural disasters is with the destruction of homes. When people have their posessions and homes rooted up and taken away, it is a tremendous psychological blow. I suppose it would be easy to dispair in that situation, but then, people dispair in any situation if you think about it.

In my opinion, life's true happiness is a loving and rich relationship with God (necessary to know in order to understand my reference point for judging these things). The idea that one person has more opportunity for true happiness than another seems to me to encompass the ultimate moral violation (a sin which only God is capable of committing). At first glance, natural disasters would be prime evidence of God's perpetration of such a wrong. When one's experience is so profoundly affected by being homeless (physically and psychologically), their ability to be open to a loving relationship with the creator is often visibly diminished. I guess I could say that in reality, people can turn away from God no matter what happens to them. The most blessed men and women will still choose a life without God if that is what they wish. I feel this is a sound idea considering how many persecuted churches throughout the world still maintain an attitude of joy. Even when there is no release, there are men and women who adhere to their relationship with the creator. Sometimes, cataclysmic events can turn people toward faith in God.

The problem of genetic defects, brain leisons, or other physical abnormalities such as alzheimers can still provide opportunity for surrounding individuals to become better people through service. My own problem with God's allowing these things to happen have more to do with whether it is fair to the afflicted individual. Therein lies a weakness in my reasoning perhaps, regarding God's "plan."

The final comment on the existence of free will is admittedly, a divisive subject--as you mentioned. There is hardly a consensus view on its existence. As it is a primarily metaphysical and cerebral subject without tangible evidence one way or another, I think I am safe in judging it to be sound. It would be safer to provide the disclaimer that I could be wrong--which I could be, obviously. Your statement "decisions are not made in vacuum" is undeniably true, but there may still be a kernal of "freeness" as you mentioned. However, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of not being "completely responsible" for our behavior. This is because most of my deviding lines between sanity and insanity are subjective--though not arrived at through a vacuum.

I can see how many of these questions could be taken in completely different directions given the assertion that "I" am reducible to my brain. It is not a universally accepted "fact" though. Logic can be stretched to justify an infinite number of possibilities including the belief that there is no reason to believe in the existence of the human soul. Like so many other problems we have discussed, there just seems to be no practical way to arrive at a universal conclusion.

I hope I make sense.

Watering camels.

2009-12-07T13:30:00.003-06:00

Many of us today are in some form of limbo. Due to the economy, unemployment has noticably risen. Our family has been experiencing this very thing ourselves; what with my father losing his job this summer (and still looking for one). I have talked to many Christians who go through spiritual "dry spells" where they feel God has become "silent." This is another feeling of limbo for many of us. Of course, others(not just in my peer group) are still single. That is, they are single and are actively seeking to change that (some of us are fine being single, obviously).

In any case, there are many ways in which humans can find themselves...between things. We anticipate the conclusion of events which will give rise to the resolution of our doubts, fears, and healthy desires. I crave this resolution on several fronts. Sometimes my agitation arises from a desire to simply be able to judge myself based on a substantial past rather than an uncertain future. In other words, I wish I was older and didn't have to worry about what to do anymore. The obvious irony here is that most older people wish so badly that they could be young again and relive the risk and excitement of their past. Others of our elders wish, more specifically, to change their past. I can understand that, though the thought impresses even more the importance of my choices now.

...and the band plays on.

Author/speaker/guru Joshua Harris had some interesting things to say on this matter of anticipation (aka "limbo") in his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I recently began to re-read this book with some friends in my church and this point caught my eye. Harris reiterates the story of Rebecca in the Old Testament. The story involves a servant of a prominant hebrew entering a town to scout out a wife for the hebrew's son. I know this sounds like an unromantic way for the couple to get hitched, but I am not discussing the virtues of ancient hebraic customs. Lets just say that Rebecca (the chosen bride) was honored to be chosen and her life up to this point had been lived in anticipation of marriage. So, she was pretty pumped.

Now, Harris' point, and the point of my post, is not about the resolution (marriage in this case). The point of interest is in what Rebecca was doing before she was approached by the servant. At that moment, she was watering the camels. The implication which Harris makes is that Rebecca was fulfilling her duties as a single woman. She was not sitting around waiting for her groom to ride out of the hills and sweep her off her feet. She was being active. This view reinforces one of the major points in Harris' book: that God has a meaningful life in store for those who are still waiting for their wedding day. I believe the same principle goes for all of the many "wedding days" of which we are looking forward to.

If God has allowed a man to lose his job, and therefore his security, it is because God has other plans for that man. If a woman finds herself without a country or a home, it is because the experience will lead her to places and people which God has planned for. I believe God has countless ways of molding us into better people, but the Bible is clear that he does not do so unless we are actively seeking out his purpose (aka, we invite him in). When a person sits around wishing for good things to happen has chosen a dead end road. I believe the point of our Earth-experience is to embark on a journey to make good things happen--beginning with our invitation to God to be a part of it. The wisest will take a step further and realize that God himself has ideas for the story (as Donald Miller points out in his excellent book A Million Miles in a Thousand Days). Instead of trying to find our own way, our stories will be better if we follow the lead of the author (of life, incidentally). By engaging in meaningful life now we are better prepared to take on the "wedding day"--whatever that may be.

"We all have our camels to water" Harris says in his book. Congruently, I say do not worry so much about finishing: we have a lifetime of beginings to go through first.

Now, lets see if I can practice what I preach. :)

Some interesting bits

2009-12-02T18:24:00.013-06:00

I just finished reading "The Forgotten Garden" by Kate Morton. Very good book (95% good). This is not a review of the book however. There were a lot of places in the book where I said "that's an interesting point" or "that's an interesting turn of phrase." It's a testament to good writing I guess. When there is more to offer than a good plot, I find a work of fiction to be tremendously more rich. The prose should always be a primary focus--keeping in mind the balance between form and story. Anyway, while reading, I felt compelled to take note of two different passages which held special interest for me. There were many places in the book which warrented note, but these are the two which I wrote down. Nothing to do with the story you know, just...interesting bits.

Here they are.

#1: On page 46 paragraph 3 of "The Forgotten Garden," the character Cassandra reflects on the nature of art and what it means as she is about to enter an art museum in England.

"A giant mausoleum of the past. Inside, she knew, were rooms and rooms, each one full of history. Thousands of items, out of time and place, reverberating quietly with the joys and traumas of forgotten lives."

I find this to be a profound commentary on what exactly we are experiencing when we are exposed to another person's artwork. I first detected this idea when I once entertained the notion that some of the artists with whom we are familiar, become our friends (in a way). For example, when I listen to a song, I am effectively experiencing the writer in a personal way. By being a patron of the arts, I gain insight into the lives of other people who I have never actually met. It's like (if not the same as) the strange phenomenon of celebrity. A famous musician is walking down the street when a complete stranger approaches to tell him/her that a particular lyric saved their life. How strange it must be that one can affect another, as a friend does, when one has never met that person.

That is what art is to me. It is a one-sidded relationship with another person. Most often, we are not granted the opportunity to give back to the artist responsible for a given work, except financially (but even that is mostly impersonal). Yet, every person who endeavors to express artistically has made the commitment to share themselves with the world. This under no guarantee of reciprocation. I would go so far as to say that artists are responsible to carry out their expression. As patrons, we are responsible for absorbing and learning from others' creations and finally, to somehow pay it forward (as they say).

However, patrons too must proceed responcibly. For we are handling nothing less than the lives of others. We should be careful to perceive the full beauty and truth in what artists portray, as well as see the full treachery and deceipt. With all of this in mind, I personally choose to choose my friends carefully. Some give credence to the old adage "keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer," but I struggle with that idea in practice. There is likely to be another post about that subject later on so, for now, I will let it lie.

As the passage from "The Forgotten Garden" says, art practically "reverberates" with the passion of the artist. This energy effectively sticks with the patron. What a privilege to experience such an exchange on either end. What a sacred and secret treasure with which humankind has been endowed.

#2: On page 349, paragraphs 8-11, I found the exchange between the characters Cassandra and Julia an interesting commentary on the relationship between story and real life. Here is the passage:

"Life'd be a lot easier if it were like a fairy tale," said Cassandra, "if people belonged to stock character types."

"Oh, but people do, they only think they don't. Even the person who insists such things don't exist is a cliche: the drear pedant who insists on his own uniqueness!"

Cassandra took a sip of wine. "You don't think there's any such thing as uniqueness?"

"We're all unique, just never in the ways we imagine." Julia smiled, then waved her hand, bangles clattering. "Listen to me. What a dreadful absolutist I am. Of course there are variations in character."

I'm sure I'm not the only person in history who seeks out and draws parallels between myself and the characters I read about and see on the screen. I think this is a perfectly natural thing to do and for that matter, essential to the experience of story. After all, what frame of reference do we have for another's story if not our own?

In clarification, I should mention that characters (fictional or otherwise) are almost never complete manifestations of the said parallels. In other words, one character from Kate Morton's book, Elisa Makepeace is not a complete picture of myself. Congruently Elisa's experiences are not my own. Yet I find pieces of this character or story which relate to me; never the whole. The connections I find in stories are a matter of essence. It is the idea, the soul of the characters' persons and situations which resonate with me. Perhaps this seems to be a declaration of common sense, but I think it is important not to take this understanding for granted.

The reason why the aforementioned deliniation is important is because the reverse side can also be problematic. We all understand that it is important for readers to realize that they are not reading their own biographies (except when they are). But not all readers (or viewers) realize the missed opportunities when they fail to connect with stories at all. For example: I am not Nick Hornby's Rob Gordon, but that ficional character has a tendency to be such a deplorable clod, that I see how my own boorish qualities could hurt those around me. Thus, a connection is born.

We learn valuable lessons in this way. Stories have such a rich ability to pass on truth, wisdom, and even meaning which social avenues cannot sustain fully. Stories fill in the gaps so to speak.

Sometimes, when experiencing a story, I not only see myself in a story, but I see a story gathering within myself. That is, my life, opinions, and beliefs can be affected--changed-- by a story. My choices are made differently because the given story has changed me somehow. Such an idea is pertinant to the above quotation from Kate Morton's book because of the mention of "stock character types." I am here reminded of some of Joseph Campbell's basic proposals; the idea that time honored myths endure because of the universal truths found in them. At least I think that is what he said (smiles). In any case, I occasionally find myself taking somewhat seriously, and examining, the re-occuring character types. I am thus attempting to decide which of them I am like and therefore, what my own story will be (or should be).

Obviously, I look at the Bible (God's Word) first, though I do not think of those scriptures as "myth" in the strictest sense. After all, I personally believe the words to be explicitly true (as in, what God wants said is there and the events really happened). It is not the same thing as when I say for example, that the adventures of the Pevinsie children in Narnia "ring true." I do not believe the events in C.S. Lewis' books actually happened, but the essence is true.

In this way, I find myself asking "Am I the Frodo or the Samwise? The Atticus or the Scout?" Even outside the bounds of fictional story I often ask those questions. I look at the people around me and wonder, what a person's story was which led them to this place in life.

Fictional or real, I ask the question, "Where then shall I take my life if the events of a story ring true?" In my limited experience, the answer is often "Nowhere." But such an answer is not fully accurate. A story might not cause me to drop everything and move in a dramatic new direction, but it may change my thinking along the way. A tale may not change me today, but it will affect my choices in the future--sometimes big choices. Sometimes, the changes will manifest beneath my awareness. Nonetheless, I do not remain the same.

The Bible's story ecourages me to "pick up your cross" and follow Him. That means a lot of different things, but I know it rings true. I am still trying to figure out what it means for me everyday.

This ends the "bits" which I thought about and to type, I way over-did it. Art and story are treasures both of which I am always thankful to God for.

Why I'm still blogging on this thing ( www.theflameofarnor.blogspot.com )

2009-11-15T17:52:00.004-06:00

I do miss this blog. There was a time when I used to blog on it (www.theflameofarnor.blogspot.com -- for all you facebookers)frequently (once a week at some points). I've had it for nearly four years. It's been a place where I used to pontificate with the intention of having others read it and comment and generally keep abreast on what was going on in my head (because that was apparently important). In some cases, it was for entertainment of the readers, and others it was a kind of service whereby my better meditations could be presented for my friends' perusal. Then I sort of went through this period of "journal" posts where I was trying to sort out my experiences cathartically. It was a place where I could complain about people (without names dates and places) in a way where those people could potentially happen upon my blog and indirectly surmise my feelings about them. That got sort of depressing after a while. For a long time it seemed that I only posted when I was feeling bitter or angry. That's not always an accurate picture of my life, so soon stopped posting habitually altogether.

Ultimately, this blog has become a place to record things which I feel are important about me as well as things which are important for me to remember. So it really is a journal, only it's a public one where anyone can read it if they feel so inclined. So I have to be kinda careful too.

Despite the publicness of these posts, I realize that, of course, not many people actually read them (before or now). Therefore, over time, I have almost completely shed the idea that I would be writing on this blog for the sake of any reader other than myself. In other words, this space is really for me. I don't mind if people read it. In fact, I'd be flattered if they did so (and commented to let me know they stopped by). My point is, if the posts seem really self-centered, it's because that's become the purpose of the blog these days. I'm writing to myself. It's my diary. I'm expelling my guts. It's therepy.

I wish I could say it's going to be a regular thing, but really I don't have as much time anymore. I get so busy that it seems I rarely have any time for myself. It seems wasteful unless I truly have an excess. But I'll try to blog as often as I am able (and I have the motivation).

In any case, I just want to put this out there: TheSecretFire is HERE TO STAY!!!!

I have no intention of ever giving up this space. I do catalog it elsewhere in the event that my account (or Blogger for that matter) were to go under. However, until such a thing were to occur, I mean to use this space forever.

That's part of the beauty of Blogger! As long as I have access to the internet, I'll have access to this space. It's my home...on the internet. It's become a part of me and I hope to never let it go.

Thanks for everything.

What I'm Learning At NICC (or What I'm Learning In Limbo) #1

2009-10-15T12:44:00.003-05:00

A question in science (or appearences ):

I may have mentioned this before, but I have noticed an uncanny similarity between the scents of apples and of pine trees. Mostly I see (or smell) the connection with the artificial varieties. Tell me, am I the only one who has thought about it?

It seems an interesting coincidence considering that God also made...pineapples...which do not smell or taste at all like apples or pine.
.
.
.
This just gets weirder the more I think about it. I wonder how far one could take this. :)

Dear WORLD: "Agora"

2009-09-05T00:48:00.000-05:00

Dear WORLD [magazine],

I have come across a new film which I wanted to bring to the attention of your readers and staff. The film will release on October 9th 2009 and is called "Agora." Below are some pertinant links regarding the film and the historical significance of its subject matter:

1: the teaser trailer on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u50zEun07b4

2: the full trailer on traileraddict.com: http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/agora/feature-trailer

3: The film's IMDB page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1186830/

4: Wikipedia article on Hypatia (played by Rachael Weiss): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypatia_of_Alexandria

5: Wikipedia article on the Library of Alexandria: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Library_of_Alexandria

6: Advanced review from Variety: http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=festivals&jump=review&reviewid=VE1117940282&cs=1

I feel it is very important for WORLD to do an article about this film for a variety of reasons. Number one is the fact that it will undoubtedly stir controversy over the darker history of Christianity as a force against "reason." Probably the most important reason why this film is worth examining is it appears (at a glance through wikipedia) that the events depicted in the film are true.

Frankly, I'm a little worried about this movie and how this little known (to me) historical event will create further animosity toward the Christian faith and its followers. I am afraid that the film will likely modernize the events and motivations of the characters to glorify the "pegan" acheivments and victimizations of Hypatia while equating this horrific event with the teachings of the Bible (aka Christianity). It is no secret that we are in the midst of a culture war, and this film will likely be at the forefront of that conflict for a little while.

I feel that your magazine would be a good place to examine the many issues raised by this historical event and film. I suggest a researched and thoughtful article covering (at least):

1: What actually occured surrounding the two main events of the film (Hypatia's death, and the destruction of the Library of Alexandria)--who was involved, why it happened, [perhaps the accuracy of the film's depiction?]

2: What can christians do in the face of such radical deviations from Jesus' teachings being tauted as Christian behavior--by the perpetrators themselves, and also the filmmakers (likely).

3: what does it mean to us and the world when "Christians" do these things? What makes a Christian?

4: Do we as christians give credence to such actions by other Christians? Why should we be worried when it's clear that they were not following God's will (or were they?).

5: Do we as christians and individuals have a responsibility for what happened to Hypatia or any other atrocities at the "hands of God"? To whom would we reconcile and for what? For that matter, how would we go about reconciliation?

6: How should we respond (or react internally) to constant accusations that Christianity is a judgemental, destructive belief system? Does this film pose such an accusation?

7: Given that the events truly happened, what would (should) have been the appropriate response of the Christians involved to the apparent conflict? What can we do today to prevent this from happening again.

8: What can we do today to repair the hateful image so many have toward God as a result of our own sins? --What are christians doing right in this world in a macro-sense?

9: Some information about the filmmakers, cast and crew and their motivations behind the movie. Any evidence of agenda? Or is this purely a "historical fact" piece?

I don't believe it would have been right for this film to skert around the involvement of Christins in the tragedy, or the pertinance to conemporary events. In fact, I believe this is an important story to bring into the light for christians, because these are important questions I think.

Nonetheless, since researching this event I have been struggling with our connection as Christians to others who call themselves Christians. The world takes us at face value and watches us closely. I feel so overwhelmed with the vast history of abuse and violence from the "church" and the many others who claim faith in God. It is tragic to me that it has resulted in the nausiating image of Christians and Christian belief so many non-believers have--and then pin on God himself. In this culture war, I have to constantly remind myself that God is engaging with each and every human being in existence no matter what beliefs they have or what the state of their worldy culture is. He is working with each of us, beyond the traps and pitfalls which pull us away from him.

Anyway, I hope this request isn't too long, and I hope you find a way to make it happen and help christians and non-believers alike to better understand this and other historical events like it, and what they mean for us.

I should mention that i don't think an "expose' " is what I'm driving at, but rather a full fact check, and all-around guide to the problems and questions which will arise as this story becomes more prominant in our society.

Thanks for your time!

Cade Loven
Decorah, IA

Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels on the Baby Boomer Generation

2009-06-03T19:44:00.003-05:00

World magazine printed this excerpt from Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels' commencement speech to students of Butler University this year. My take on this follows the quote.

"Along with most of your faculty and parents, I belong to the most discussed, debated and analyzed generation of all time, the so-called Baby Boomers. By the accepted definintion, the youngest of us is now 45, so the record is pretty much on the books, and the time for verdicts can begin.
Which leades me to congratulate you in advance. As a generation, you are off to an excellent start. You have taken the first savvy step on the road to distinction which is to follow a weak act. I wish I could claim otherwise, but we Baby Boomers are likely to be remembered by history for our numbers, and little else, at least little else that is admirable.
We Boomers were the children that the Second World War was fought for. Parents who had endured both war and the Great Depression devoted themselves sacrificially to ensuring us a better life than they had. We were pampered in ways no children in human history would recognize. With minor exceptions, we have lived in blissfully fortunate times. The numbers of us who perished in plagues, in famine, or in combat were tiny in comparison to previous generations of Americans, to say nothing of humanity elsewhere.
...As a generation, we did tend to live for today. We have spent more an dsaved less than any previous Americans. Year after year, regardless which party we picked to lead the country, we ran up deficits that have multiplied the debt you and your children will be paying off your entire working lives. Far more burdensome to you mathematically, we voted ourselves increasing levels of Social Security pensions and Medicare health care benifits, but never summoned the political maturity to put those programs on anything resembling a sound actuarial footing.
In sum, our parents scrimped and saved to provide us a better living standard than theirs; we borrowed and splurged and will leave you a staggering pile of bills to pay. It's been a blast; good luck cleaning up after us.
...Today, if you are thinking about standing on the shoulders of the past generation, I'd say "Please don't"...live for others, not just yourselves. For fulfillment, not just pleasure and material gain. For tomorrow, and the Americans who will reside there, not just for today."--as printed in World magazine (June 6, 2009 - page 9)

I found these statements a little shocking and profound. It is possible that his statements about the lack of tribulation this generation has experienced are a little unfair. I feel like it is worth mentioning that the peace they experienced was because of their own efforts to create it. It also could have been because of what the previous generations had done. Both are arguable.

Otherwise, this excerpt made me think very hard.

What I'm Learning at Luther #14

2009-05-14T14:59:00.002-05:00

A question in...your face:

Today I turned in my keys to the Noble Recital Hall in Jensen at Luther. I think I just lost a chunk of my power in this world. :(

But at least I'm the only Cade Loven on Facebook. That's power. Oh yeah.

The Hunt For Gollum

2009-05-05T09:29:00.004-05:00

I just finished watching The Hunt For Gollum. Some fans have put together this marvelous non-profit film tied to the widely successful Lord Of The Rings trilogy from New Line Cinema. Because it is unlicensed, they cannot distribute it for download or on DVD (yet). Considering the quality of the film, I would highly recommend Warner Bros. buy the rights and distribute it as an extra DVD for a future edition of either the LOTR trilogy or the up-coming adaptation of The Hobbit.

I would further recommend to Warner Bros. that they encourage these filmmakers to continue making these relatively low-budget pictures for them. What a great way to get more middle-earth material out to the fan-base with little-to-no hassle for the rights holders.

About the film itself:

The source material (as far as I know) is culled from the appendices in the back of the Lord Of The Rings books (I've only read the appendices a few times). The story is also reiterated in one of the chapters in FOTR, but I can't recall which one exactly. The story centers around Strider (later revealed to be Aragorn). Strider is still a ranger--roaming the hills protecting the Shire and otherwise doing the will of the elves. Gandalf has just learned the truth of Bilbo's ring and has dispatched Strider to go and find Gollum to learn everything he can to confirm the ring's nature. If one has never read the book, the timeline might be more confusing: it takes place after Gandalf leaves Frodo in the Shire and before Gandalf returns to tell Frodo the full-truth (and heat up the ring just to make double sure).

At least I think that's when it is. I could be wrong.

Anyway, the film is only 40-45 minutes long, so revealing any more than that would reveal too much.

The actors they found were very good, not just in their ability, but also in their adherence to continuity (resembling and imitating the original actors). It was easy for me to slip right back into the story of Middle Earth.

My goodness! It's beautiful!!! I'd love to know where they filmed a lot of these scenes. Some of them were breathtaking. The music was wonderful--utilizing some of the classic themes from the original films. The music and scenery were 100% perfect for this film's purposes. I was taken straight back to the Middle Earth I know and love from the screen. These guys did such a great job.

The costumes were perfect (except Gandalf's). The sets were perfect. Technically, the film was almost perfect considering the nature of the production. I didn't expect to see any visual effects, let alone good ones. They all looked just fine and didn't feel out of place. Yes, Gollum is as we remember him, though the writers found an ingenious way to reduce their effects budget with him--you'll just have to see it yourself. It's one of my favorite parts of the film.

The editing was a little weird in the beginning, but once Strider is off on his quest, the editing was just fine. The sound effects and sound editing were very well done, except a few scenes where the dialogue was difficult to hear. The mix was very well done.

The only negative aspect of the film I could see is in the lighting for one or two scenes. On occasion, (especially at the end) it was very difficult to see anything. But I totally can't really complain because this film is otherwise an absolute joy.

The Hunt For Gollum is a gift from these fans to the other fans (including myself). I am extremely grateful for all of the hard work and hours the filmmakers put into this. Tolkien's books and Peter Jackson's films were instrumental in my development as an adult. They have taught me so much about the world, God and values. I can't thank them enough for their contribution to the last 8-9 years of my life. I'll say it again, it's a gift. And so is The Hunt For Gollum.

Once again, I hope Warner Bros gets wise and embraces this film for what it is, and has the grace to pick it up, distribute it, and honor the filmmakers for their achievement.

The Hunt For Gollum is worth a look.

What makes a great movie?

2009-04-08T10:22:00.003-05:00

A friend on wisemenpromotions.com posted this question: "what makes a great movie?" I thought about it, and here's my best attempt at a brief response. ;)

The formula is simple: "Heat" is a great movie. :)

Actually it is simple, it's just maddeningly difficult to achieve from the looks of things. My belief is that the film must tap into the spiritual current that is alive in all human beings. That's a fancy way for saying, what are the stories that we remember? What are the stories that lasted? Why?

Because those stories have such a deep connection with audiences that we can't help but be affected and find meaning in them.

I try to answer this with emotional answers. What are the great movies to me? What made them great?

Chances are, your list will not be unified by genre or tone--that doesn't bode well for coming to a clear conclusion does it? But it still stands: your list is still great, so what is it that they have in common?

Like I said earlier, I think it's spiritual. The greatest movies I've seen have a lot to say about truthful meaning. I believe it's because the stories and aesthetics are appealing to a natural stream that we are born with.

Why does every person strive for meaning? Why are there so many religions? Why do people care about art? It's all going toward the same thing in my belief: we're all trying to get to God.

So what makes a great movie in my belief is that it is exhibiting pieces of the truth that surrounds us: God stuff.

Some of you may not like that answer, and I may not have articulated it very well, but that's to be expected. The truth is, it's completely subjective--a testament I believe to our varying degrees of relationship with God (also subjective because some people just aren't affected by art--they grow through other means).

All that to say, here are some symptoms that are typical for my particular walk and taste:

1: Aesthetics are critical. If there is no form of spectacle (a broad, textbook use of the term), then it's not entertaining, or interesting...i.e. I don't care. For me, a grand musical palette is a common element among my greats.

2: It does not dishonor God or Godliness. Many differing opinions on what that means no doubt--I don't care to elaborate as I can only point out specific examples, not general principles.

3: It reveals something I never knew before about the world, or myself. --some movies changed my life.

4: Something I can watch many many times. --some movies are good, but I'll not likely watch them again.

5: Ascension -- it must urge me to be a better person (in my case, get closer to God)

That's the best I can come up with.

Cheryl Kinyon

2009-02-21T12:12:00.002-06:00

An old friend of mine is dying of cancer, it may be within the next 24 hours. I have known Cheryl from camp for over half my life. I've never been close to her, but I have always been aware of her. She and her husband, while certainly human beings like the rest of us, have been symbols of righteousness in my life.

No one is perfect of course. But in times like these, it's always the very best of people that remains in our memory. As it should be.

My memories of Cheryl are of a gentle, quiet, servant. Her silence was often because of the painful condition of her mouth area from a previous cancer battle. Her gentleness came from her own soul. I believe her servanthood came from the one who made her.

She and her husband lived in relative simplicity during the summer while they tended the grounds at MWBC. Her husband John tells me that the place is very much a part of their life together-it's where they met. It's where they have lived through a large part of their lives. A lot of the spirit which I feel in that place comes through them I think. They lay a foundation there that permeates every different week of camp. They are a Godly couple.

Because of her quietness, a lot of what I know about her came from her eyes. Her mind was not simple. There was a lot of understanding and perception in her, but of course, she did not have to let it out. Her actions showed me her inherent respect for the dignity of others. She may have not been a direct part of our activities at camp, but she saw the way God worked with us and let him.

She has watched me grow up along with her own kids. Though we never had a heart to heart, she knew my heart, and I think I know hers--or parts.

Though we, as campers and staff, were kind of like guests at the camp, I always felt welcome there. On one occasion, I was invited to be a part of her son's birthday party in their home. Along with a few other outsiders, we were able to be a part of the family for a time.

When I think about Cheryl, I think about true commitment. Commitment to her husband, commitment to camp, and commitment to God. I realize just how many people her life's ministry has touched. There are women there who have known her as a sister for long before I was born. They are sisters to her still. Her life has been steadfast.

When her new bought of cancer was discovered last summer, they were very open about it with the campers and staff. After John gracefully relayed the story of his life with Cheryl to us, he led us to the cabin to sing for her. All sensationalism aside, the event was touching. God's power can unite souls like no other.

The time was as much for us as it was for Cheryl. Simple ministry like singing has tremendous power when it comes from the heart. I don't believe there were any selfish souls, young or old, who were on the hill that day. Cheryl came out of the cabin to hear us as was so graceful. She did not begrudge us in any way. She simply took it in. At the end, some of the campers and staff were able to hug her goodbye, for we knew she was not going to be here next year.

Well, the time has finally come. Her physical suffering will end and she will be in the arms of her savior at last.

He loves her more than anyone else and I am thankful that he has let us have her for a lifetime.

The truth is, Jesus is waiting for us too. Everything we do here is about that moment when we see him. All he wants is to see the day when we come home. All he longs for is to embrace us. He loves us so much. I sometimes pray that my time would not be long and that God would not waste a minute. I can't wait to go home.

But I'm also grateful for the time I have here. I only pray for the strength to endure my lifetime to come. Suffering is a reality in this imperfect world, and I pray that when my time comes I will remember to look to him--because he is my purpose.

God bless Cheryl, her family and her friends. Open their eyes so that they would see your will and spirit in these events. Bring them closer and hold them tight.

Ease her passing if it is your will.

We all become God's messengers at different times--if we are open to his spirit. Cheryl certainly was for me.

What I'm Learning At Luther #14

2009-02-19T07:59:00.002-06:00

[Note: Someone posted a link to a Herold Pinter lecture under my "Media" post. I do intend to draft a response to that soon, it's just an exhausting article--like his plays. ;) ]

Anyway, what I'm Learning at Luther:

A question of anthropology:

It is said that Eskimos have many names for snow--I've heard maybe even hundreds. I can't begrudge them that. Snow's a huge part of their life.

Luther students too should have many names for snow, blizzards, negative 20 weather and so on, but what's the real figure that affects all students at Luther--year round?

Squirrels. We need more names for squirrels.

I'm open to suggestions. :)

Movies 2008: A retrospective.

2009-02-10T14:20:00.004-06:00

My top five without fanfare--don't expect too many surprises:

1: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
2: Slumdog Millionaire
3: The Dark Knight
4: In Bruges
5: Wal-E

Other films of note:
Spiderwick Chronicles
Iron Man
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Madagasgar 2
Penelope
Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day
Horton Hears A Who
Leatherheads
Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Bolt

The many that I have not seen, and also, the many reasons why my list of favorites is incomplete:

Kung-Fu Panda
Traitor
Burn After Reading
Apaloosa
A Thousand Years of Good Prayers
Lakeview Terrace
Fireproof
Blindness
Rachael Getting Married
Rock N Rolla
Body of Lies
City Of Ember
Pineapple Express
Happy Go Lucky
Synechdoche New York -- not really sure I would even like this one though
Quantam Of Solace
Role Models
A Christmas Tale
Australia
Frost/Nixon
Nobel Son
Che
The Day The Earth Stood Still
Doubt
Gran Torino
The Wrestler
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Valkyrie
Marley and Me
Waltz With Bashir
Good
Defiance

Finally, I found this video montage this morning from DarkHorizons. It quite adequately showcases the years most notable films (all that are on this list are in the video as well). Great job DarkHorizons!!! Please please please do this annually!!!!

What I'm Learning at Luther #13

2009-02-07T15:50:00.003-06:00

A question in medicine:

During my Paidea II course, "Healthcare Ethics," the subject of death was raised. When exactly is it that death occurs? How dead is dead enough, say, for the removal of organs for transplant?

Well, my instructor put it simply:

"Well, to put it simply" she said, "for most of us in the medical profession, the answer is a no-brainer..."

Media

2009-01-06T10:46:00.001-06:00

I wrote this for a school application. It's about time I made a new post.

One issue which is of paramount importance to me and to my generation is that of the media’s influence over our culture. It is undeniable that the media has radically changed U.S. culture from the top to the bottom since its inception. My particular interest is in the feature films area, but I cannot help but notice that every branch of the media has had a part in this cultural influence.

One of the most significant areas of influence is that of journalism and news media. For well over three hundred years the use of pamphlets, plays, and sermons, all the way up to today’s televised news shows, newspapers, and websites have been utilized to relay the issues and actions of importance to society. The news media is used to communicate almost our entire knowledge of important issues. Our memories of historical events are practically invented by the news media. The images of the invasion of Normandy, Armstrong’s first stride on the moon, and the 9/11 attacks are all inextricably attached to the photos and footage provided by the media. For that matter, history as a whole is conveyed through the media in the form of books, websites, motion pictures etc.

This vast enterprise has infiltrated our society at every level. We see it, hear it, and read it everywhere we go. We as individuals even make the news mobile in the form of printed magazines, car radios, and electronic mobile devices with access to the internet. It is nearly impossible to escape the media’s output.
The news media’s influence can become a problem because of the level of trust in the media’s integrity held by the general public. The media’s near monopoly on the sharing of information has given it the ability to shift public opinion and over time, to shape the culture itself.

Now, while the media may have the power to influence the public in such a way, do they actually exploit it? Has the media taken this power and put it into action? The answer is certainly debatable. First of all, the news media has a general ethical code of objectivism whereby they portray the news without bias which allows the public to form their own opinions. However, there are observable cases where the media appears to be overtly pushing their agenda, though it is difficult to come up with objective evidence which supports this notion. There is no way for most of us to know for sure unless we are a part of the system which creates the media messages.

Therein lies my particular solution to the problem. Not only must the public become aware of the potential danger of media influence, but it would be wise to take action. Individuals can simply take a step back and try to monitor the full extent of the news media on their opinions and decisions.

The other solution is to become a part of the media ourselves. For my part, I intend to enter into the feature film industry which primarily deals with the emotional side of visual media. Feature films may not be an up-to-date source of news, but historically, the cinema has been a place where audiences are often told how to feel about events in the past (history). Often, feature films make allegorical appeals regarding present day issues as well in an attempt to guide the audience’s feelings in a certain direction.

The media, including the news, is a gift to society. In principle, the media is a vehicle for free speech where the passage of information can go unhindered. Unfortunately, there is also the potential for unethical exploitation. So, the public must be vigilant and always pursue the truth to the best of their abilities. The media ought to be a window into society as a whole, not just a vehicle for the few who run it.

Equal

2008-10-19T08:12:00.003-05:00

She asked for Equal.

I said: "we have sugar and splenda too."

She said: "No, I'm an equal person."

I said: "Ah-ha. Not all sugar substitutes are equal."

Get it? :P

What I'm learning at Luther #12

2008-10-16T10:59:00.002-05:00

A question in politics:

I'm surprised how gargantuan people's opinions are when they don't really know what is going on.

I watched the third Obama/McCain debate last night and I realized that there was all of this language being thrown around regarding their plans and views on the current financial crisis--language that is having an impact on commentators, and on classmates of mine (influenced greatly by the commentators' opinions on the language too).

I have observed this by first, my own ignorance. Second, I attended a conference/forum with Luther's econ/acct proffs where a number of the questions from students revolved around sensationalist claims by the media, commentators, politicians, and presidential candidates--none of the claims having any real content to them other than making emotional appeals to scare people or get them fired up (something I hopefully understand now through context)

To the credit of these students (including myself): instead of sitting around their $3 coffees stating extravagant claims and opinions, these students went out and asked the questions in order to be more informed.

The truth about our future president and the financial crisis is this: there is a huge amount of time between now and their first day in office--a lot can change between now and then.

I feel that this problem reverberates to many other political platforms as well.

I guess what I've learned here is that the media is not our friend (no surprise) and confirmed my suspicion that a huge majority of voters vote on how the media makes them feel about a candidate and their policies--emotionally. I feel very few voters really understand what is truly at stake with a number of issues (myself, likely included).

Of course God is sovereign and his will is going to be fulfilled--by those chosen by him or not. Voters would do well to get as real as possible with the issues at hand keeping in mind that there are eternal implications to our actions as voters (not just economical ones).

You can probably guess what I mean by that.

In the mean time, I urge anyone who gives a care about what I say:

GET REAL

--as much as you can, and you should end up okay from a moral standpoint. I pray that God would help me to navigate this traitorous playing field.

Watchmen

2008-09-25T10:07:00.001-05:00

Click here to see the trailer for the film I'm talking about
----------------
I've long held the opinion that teaser trailers do a lot more to create interest in a movie than the actual theatrical trailers do. This is likely to be another example of that.

I love the song in the trailer--it sounds like Smashing Pumpkins, can anyone confirm that or give me the name of the song?

-----------------
By the way, I hated Watchmen--the book. I didn't like the characters, the plot, the ideas, the philosophy, any of it.

I did like Rorschach though--he was great until...well...I began to hate him too.

I know everyone's like "best graphic novel ever" and all that crap, but I don't buy it. Maybe for the time. [BTW, "Bone" is an amazing graphic novel. Read it!]

Maybe. I can see how it influenced comics and genre entertainment in general, but today, it seems just dark and uninspiring.

Someone is going to say: "well, that's the whole point of the book!"

And I will reply: "who cares? I have a future and I'm not paranoid about authority like Moore obviously is."

And they will say: "But at the time of the book's publishing, people didn't know that they had a future, it was the cold war"

And I will say: "Again, who cares? Everyday we live under the shadow of death. Because of my hope in God, I don't have to live in fear of pain and death. I can and will endure, like we always have as a species."

The lesson? The watchmen film will no doubt be interesting to see, and I have no doubt that I will. But if it shares the tone and philosophies of the book, then I'm going to leave the theater unchanged and underwhelmed.

Zack Snyder helmed 300 which was one of the most disapointing films I've ever seen (as in, I lived through the hype only to see it on DVD months after--only to discover that is is ultimately hollow, and honestly not very exciting either.). I know billions of people disagree with me, but I can't help it when I'm yawning the whole time. Maybe Watchmen will renew my hope in him as a "master filmmaker."

We will see.

My Eyes Are Up Here

2008-09-09T10:56:00.002-05:00

"You can't really know anything about someone by looking at their [posterior]... unless that person is a sodomite." --anonymous

---...and most of us are not going to be looking that close.

My friend Kelly-Rae used to run a blog known as "my eyes are up here." [I wish she would still blog on it. *angry face*]. This was a statement on the simple vice that many of us face everyday: looking at people as objects. Her feeling (shared by many) is that one can tell a lot about a person by looking in their eyes.

I agree that there is a tremendous value to interacting with someone through sight and vision, but I often have to remind myself that it is better to include someone in that contact, and furthermore to learn who they are--not what they appear to be.

This applies to many more surface aspects about a person--besides that of appearance: experience for instance.

In any case, I'm working with God on looking at people differently then I sometimes do:as people who have desires, and choices just as I have--people with souls.

And part of that change in me is going to be looking at people's eyes.

My summer between MWBC weeks

2008-07-31T20:00:00.005-05:00

This summer has been very busy--the busiest I can remember.

A friend, Rachael Johnson asked me how my summer whent since Senior Week at MWBC (a simple question, which I'm glad to answer with characteristic excess). Since the last week of camp this summer (Special Week II) is next week, the following is an account of my doings between the weeks of camp, including Cornerstone '08, Bruce reunion and the state of my career at Magpie. Below my message to Rachael is an account of the Loven reunion since I forgot to mention it to her.

Here's my message (I numbered the message with answers to her questions):

#1: Cornerstone was grand indeed.

About that: RACHAEL JOHNSON MUST GO TO CORNERSTONE NEXT YEAR!!!!! You would have so much fun.

Anyway, yes, I love being around so many strange people, and yet so many familiar people (I'm sure daniel told you stories). I like it that I can go there and pretend that I'm part of the fringe culture. Like camp, I get to reinvent myself somewhat: I know where I am, what I'm doing, what my particular purpose and function is within my community, and I'm surrounded by constant stimulation. Cornerstone, though a christian festival, is not necessarily family oriented (which I like) but it's also not an intense spiritual environment. It's just clean (drug free--mostly, alcohol free--mostly, and stripper free--that I was aware--not that I was checking heheh). Like camp, I feel very much at home there. I don't face so many of my fleshy discontents that I face in everyday life. Of course, when I don't have to worry about where my food and shelter is coming from, it is easy to let go and be content.

On the fun side: Seth moshed. Woot!! He has discovered that the Celtic Rock scene has a christian branch that is just as crazy only not so dysfuctional in its philosophy. He discovered both Rodent Emporium (insane, insane, insane--I can't adequately describe them). He also disovered finally (a band I've been telling him about for a while) Flatfoot 56. By this time, they now run their own "generator" stage at cornerstone. (NOTE: generator stage = small stage run on a generator-duh!--which hosts bands that don't get to be on big stages. These stages run from the early morning to long into the night.). Anyway, Flatfoot has garnered a huge cornerstone following because of their awesome music and their friendships they've made with the fans year after year (they camp out all week) and also their leadership. In seth's words, Flatfoot 56 un-officially runs cornerstone. So when this band makes their mainstage debut (not a usual hangout for underground kids) they brought their huge underground fanbase with them and held the biggest moshpit in cornerstone history (my guess, about 300 people it seemed to me). Seth was in the middle of it. There's somehting about Celtic Rock that just makes you feel like a warrior. It's quite exhilerating.

Otherwise, we saw Bradley Hathaway (always a peach), Demon Hunter (finally-amazing), Josh Garrels (a new favorite), Sixpence None the Richer (getting back together apparently--so happy), Mike Farris (white hot blues/soul show--I was breathless and can't wait for more), Over the Rhine did mainstage (including a beautiful rendition of My Latest Sun Is Sinking Fast), Dignan (one of my faves), Quiet Company (watch 'em), Cool Hand Luke (very spiritually charged group), Skillet (they're touring with a violin player now--spectacular!), Disciple (I love a band that reads the bible at their shows), This Fires Embrace (I'm watching them, they're growing and growing on me), Eowyn (check this gal out! She's really fun), Motorist Jones (bluesy rock--can't wait for more) and so many many more. Those were just my favorites.

#2: TDK: review is coming. I had to see it again, and give it some thought. I too went to the midnight--it's insane that TDK broke the midnight premiere record over all of the starwars movies!! I'm shocked.

#3: after Senior week: Cornerstone (of course). After that I went to TN with my family to visit all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandma on my mom's side and hang out at a lake with them. I love them so much and wish that I could be with them more because I fear that my family and I are the only few examples of Godly Christians in their lives. I pray for them though. Got to trust God right? I had a blast with them. We must come from good stock. ;) My grandma is such a wonderful woman (hyper hand-wringer though she is) and it's such a joy to be around her.

After that, I've been chilling out at home, watching dvds, and doing a lot of lanscaping work around my house. I haven't been working at Magpie coffeehouse much (two shifts in the last three weeks) because the new owners are trying to phase out the old employees I'm guessing (including Seth and Luke as well). That's okay, it's sad for me to be there anymore anyway.

-END MESSAGE

LOVEN REUNION: The Loven Reunion (my dad's side) was very small this year. So many of the older generation are gone and the younger generation is scattered or doesn't really have a connection with the family anyway. It was good to go though. Tom and Michaela came out this time, which made it fun, and my cousin Tim taught me how to play Euker (spelling?) though I resisted him heartily and didn't make it easy.

That's it so far.

--A NOTE ABOUT www.theflameofarnor.blogspot.com :

This blog seems to have changed its focus a lot in the last year. It used to be a spot where friends came to check up on me and read the occaional clever blog - post. Nowadays, I don't get much traffic that I'm aware of and it's become mostly an online journal--a place to record stuff so I'll remember (I also print these off occasionally and save them, in case something happens to the blog).

Every once in a while, I hope I'll start writing more fun stuff again, so please check back again on occasion to see if I'm back up to snuff.

Oh, and feel free to read my entries anyway--nothing's private here obviously. If you want to, please comment as well just to let me know you're there. :)

I love you friends and family.

Prince Caspian

2008-05-20T13:19:00.001-05:00

I was thoroughly impressed by Caspian. I'm not one to be married to the books, but I was skeptical that they would succeed in adapting it. The book is so crazy in it's chronology--and I thought that it would be a mess if they changed it and a mess if they didn't. Turns out, they changed it a lot, and it WORKS!! The whole rivalry between Peter and Caspian, Peter's disasterous castle raid, the progress of the Hag's incantations (awesome awesome scene--one of my favorites), and even the attraction between Suzan and Caspian was a servicable story beat (until the last bit--everyone laughed in the theater).

The acting was much better! Mosely has said that he undertook some acting instruction since LTWW and it appears to have really paid off. I really enjoyed seeing these kids play out these characters (whomever plays Eustace has some big shoes to fill). The new characters were all really cool too. The guy who played Miraz is awesome! He's a thoroughly engaging villain with a well balanced presence (and good english too). Peter Dinklage's Trumpkin is nothing like how I imagined the character, but he's so delightful that he totally makes up for it--I kept wishing he would be in more scense. His performance just made the character look tough and endearing at the same time. Warwick Davis returns to Narnia (he played Reepicheep in the BBC series)!! His performance as Nikabrik was so much more than I expected. He was funny, and wicked-cool when he was being evil. Very cool to see him again.

The action was a major improvement. We all like big armored battles between armies and such, but I feel the real strength and excitment lied in it's swordplay. The choreography was intense as were the camera angles that captured them. Very well set up. The sound-effects also really added an exciting demension to the hand-to-hand exchanges. It looks like these kids really do know how to fight this time around (no wobbling swords here). A higher quality than the witch/Peter dual in LTWW. I also appreciated it that they didn't feel like it was necessary to succum to spectacle-inflation: where the next installment had to be twice as huge and monsterous as the previous. The level of spectacle in the climactic battle was about the same as LTWW--just different and better. TAKE NOTE future genre sequel-makers: Better, is always more...than bigger.

The story was never as good as LTWW, so the first film still has a higher place in my heart. But the changes made to Caspian's story made it much more dramatic and engageing. I thought that the aura of legend that they created about the "kings and queens of old" (Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy) within Narnia was a nice touch--like the book in the professor's study, the paintings on the wall of the Howe, reactions to their arrival etc. I get kicks out of the epicness and grand scale of time that comes through in that kind of storytelling (like the immortality of the Elves in LOTR--the history). The ideas of ancient powers returning to a dying land to revive it again. All very positive storytelling elements.

However, the ending was too rushed, whereas LTWW took its time to provide an ending that was ultimately more satisfying emotionally. [SPOILERS AHEAD] Considering that Peter and Susan (being of the original four and all) are not going to be returning to Narnia, I would have made more of a point about that--letting the emotion linger a little more and maybe provide a more satisfying reason for it (it felt like an actor leaving a TV show--not a life changing shift of destiny). [END SPOILERS] I also might have saved the song (which is nice) for the credits as the music doesn't really fit the depth and feeling of the ending.

As those who have read the books know, LTWW, The Last Battle, and the Magician's nephew are the only three books which contain allegory as part of their storytelling. The other four (including Prince Caspian) are more straight-forward fantasy stories with the common spiritual theme of Aslan's divinity. The film version of Prince Caspian stays true to the books themes of faith (without proof), humility/courage (Reepicheep), responding to your calling (the children returning to Narnia/Caspian becoming a leader). But the added storylines gave the story a much richer spiritual context too--Peter's downfall, the visual symbolism in the conjuring of the Witch scene.

Contentwise, the film is very violent (but bloodless). Once again, the MPAA proves to be a slick little operation that knows the marketing power of its rating scales. Prince Caspian is a PG-13 movie that received a PG rating. I'm starting to not be surprised by that anymore, but I kind of feel badly for younger viewers whose parents will not allow them to see an otherwise enjoyable and relavent movie because of the violence. Battles can be exciting and spectacular without being brutal (a decapitation, multiple throat-slittings, and some falling deaths that show the impact). The scene with the Hag and Werewolf is faithful to the book in that it's just downright creepy. I loved it, but I kept thinking that my younger cousins are probably being scarred for life by the dark imagry. Of course, for anyone in the PG-13 age range, the movie holds no cause for concern content-wise.

Once again, I'm extremely happy with it, and I look foward to the next installment, The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader (helmed by Michael Apted). Its story goes in quite a different direction tone and content-wise. It's a grand, high-seas adventure story with some head-spacey existentialism thrown in. I hope that Apted does a good job and helps guide the series in a more progressive direction (seen the numbers on Caspian this opening weekend?).

My hope is that Caspian will outlive Indy at the box office (as that movie is merely a shameless hype machine and is isn't likely to mean much in the long-run...even if it's cool).

Thank you Walden, Disney and Adamson for yet another satisfying (and hopeful) Narnia Installment. Please do what it takes (meaning take the time) to make the following installments worth their effects budgets so we can enjoy returning to Narnia again and again.

Disciple of...whom?

2008-05-08T22:10:00.003-05:00

I am not a disciple of Paul.
I am not a disciple of Peter.
I am not a disciple of my mom.
I am not a disciple of my father.
I am not a disciple of Martin Luther.
I am not a disciple of Donald Miller.
I am not a disciple of Pat Robertson.
I am not a disciple of Adam Humburg.
I am not a disciple of C.S. Lewis.
I am not a disciple of Shane Claiborne.
I am not a disciple of Sonny Sandoval.
I am not a disciple of the Pope.
I am not a disciple of Modonna.
I am not a disciple of Rob Bell.
I am not a disciple of Jason Hawkins.
I am not a disciple of James Dobson
I am not a disciple of Ned Flanders.
I am not a disciple of John Davis.
I am not a disciple of Curt Iverson.
I am not a disciple of John Lennon.
I am not a disciple of Annie Lamott.
I am not a disciple of Tony Evans.
I am not a disciple of Starbucks.
I am not a disciple of J.R.R. Tolkien.
I am not a disciple of David Crowder.
I am not a disciple of Barak Obama
I am not a disciple of Grand Theft Auto
I am not a disciple of Joel Osteen.
I am not a disciple of Cameron Strang.
I am not a disciple of Fanny Crosby.
I am not a disciple of Chris Martin
I am not a disciple of Lee Strobel.
I am not a disciple of George W. Bush.
I am not a disciple of Billy Graham.
I am not a disciple of Joshua Harris.
I am not a disciple of Aslan.
I am not a disciple of Ron Luce.
I am not a disciple of Ned Kelly.
I am not a disciple of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
I am not a disciple of Osama Bin Ladin
I am not a disciple of Bob Dylan.
I am not a disciple of Hollister.
I am not a disciple of Quintin Terrentino.
I am not a disciple of Miley Cyrus.
I am not a disciple of Ben Stein.
I am not a disciple of Steve Coubert.
I am not a disciple of Rev. Jesse Jackson.
I am not a disciple of Tyler Durden
I am not a disciple of John Wesley.
I am not a disciple of Rebecca St. James.
I am not a disciple of Brother Yun.
I am not a disciple of Chairman Mao.
I am not a disciple of Constantinne.
I am not a disciple of Superman.
I am not a disciple of Matt Redman.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. He said: "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" John 14:6

This isn't to say that none of the above cultural leaders are worth studying (though some of the really aren't). It's just a thing I have to remind myself of occasionally.

Religion is Destroying the World

2008-05-08T10:05:00.004-05:00

My marketing instructor couldn't help but notice my t-shirt (fom SIAN clothing) this morning which depicts a plane dropping bombs. The bombs have this inscription on them: "Religion Is Destroying The World"

Some people are already familiar with the word play and semantics embedded in the message, but some people aren't--which sparks a good discussion usually, and also has the potential to really bug people or even actually offend them.

Anyway, he read my shirt and was kind of like: "Probably shouldn't ask you about that one" in a jokey way (he's a funny guy).

..and I responded with a sort of "it's not what you think it means." So I felt I should send a brief (relatively for me) email that explained the message I was presenting. Here's the email:

Sorry to burden you with the following (haha), but I feel like it should be clarified.

I feel like I should clarify the meaning of my t-shirt this morning ("Religion is Destroying The World"): It's a loaded phrase with lots of meanings. I'll try to keep it brief (haha-I could talk about this stuff forever): First off, I am an evangelical christian--now we have that out of the way.

1: It's addressing the fact that religions are often responsible for extensive injustice and wrong-doing , such as the caste-system in hinduism, passive non-action in Buddhism (extreme self centeredness), jihadist purging and human rights violations in Islam, imperialist superiority in some christian circles (crusades, materialism) etc.

2: Dogmatic aggression. This is a way of realizing that extreme beliefs in any direction often take on religious patterns--such as atheism or agnosticism--or essentially the belief(s) that there is no rule "but my own." In any case, I lump the religious prejudice and persecution in China, India, and Africa (against Christians) under this category. [Not to mention the agression and persecution against non-religious groups, such as ethnic cleansing]. The Chinese gov't in particular is very abusive toward churches that are not under the state-approved religion.

3: This is the primary meaning I see in the message (the umbrella over the previous two as well): The separation (within the christian church) between religion and spirituality. In other words, there are a lot of individual christians who do the religious stuff (like going to church, keeping commandments etc) but do not acknowledge the (what i believe to be) real and living deity behind the religion. I call it the "push button" christianity. When christians focus on the motions without love for God. This results in a dysfunctional relationship with our creator, and sends a mixed message to outsiders looking in.

That's basically it.

I hope I didn't bore you or weird you out with my spiritual mumbo-jumbo. :)

thanks again for a great class!!!!! I loved it!! I'm recommending that anyone considering it go for it.

Iron Man and Batman (I cherish this)

2008-05-08T09:23:00.001-05:00

Live at Marty's (and My First Recording)

2008-05-05T12:43:00.005-05:00

I did my first real gig on Saturday, May 3rd at Marty's.

It was wonderful! It was all part of Lance Ehrecke's (sp?) senior project. He gathered a group of fellow Luther students to put together a compilation CD. He would produce the recordings and we would perform. The recording sessions were free of course (as he was getting credit for it) and the gig was part of a release party for the Record.

The Songs: The song I chose to record for Lance's record was "Nobody Left To Hurt," a bluesy tune I began writing in 2005 and finished a few months ago (maybe March). It's probably the darkest song I've ever written. I originally wrote it with the intention of having it be more heavy and intense musically--like a lot of my other music. But since I already have a few of those, and the lyrical content of "Nobody Left To Hurt" is so dark, I decided that it would be more interesting (and palatable) if I converted it into a blues song. This meant a re-write of the lyrics (I've posted the original version on this blog previously, but not the new ones). I had to make them a little more old fashioned. Basically, I took a piece that would be suitable for Amy Lee or Josie Scott and attempted to make it more suitable for a Johnny Winter or Janis Joplin (hey, I can dream--maybe I'll meet a vocalist like her someday). The lyrics stem from a feeling that I am a danger to those around me--a source of pain. the song expresses a desire to be cast aside to protect the world from my mistakes.

The strange thing is, the second song I played is basically the answer to the feelings expressed in "NLTH." The second song (which doesn't have a title yet) is a song of comfort to an individual who is in a time of grief and pain (maybe self-loathing like in NLTH?). It's basically God telling us that we can move on, we're meant to push on, that our struggles are not in vain. We've been placed in our places in life equipped to fight our way through. That said, the song also says there's a time to weep but then we move on, there's a time to rest in God's hands and just be. Musically, the song is what I call my "smokey bar" song. It's mellow, and suitable for any kind of instrumentation. The way it's recorded live, I tried to keep it intimate so people could hear the words.

The Recording:
The song I recorded was "NLTH." All together I spent probably 8 hours plus in the studio with Lance chugging this song out. I didn't have a real handle on the structure of the song or transitions or anything like that, so mapping out the song for the record allowed me to finally settle on the layout of the song. The recording is really fun for a number of reasons. First, I recorded it with an electric which adds a special flavor. I was able to layer the song extensively which means I got to solo during the bridge (which I hum in the live recording). Plus I got to lay out a bass track. Ideally speaking, there should be a full band with drums and phat B3 organs added in, and someday there will be. We got to mess with some stereo effects which was pretty cool. The highlights of this track are firstly: the bridge. The bridges leading out of all three of the choruses are just sweet. Lance thought I should do a little more than play the riff--that I should add some rhythm to it too. I just did this simple chugging thing and now it sounds super cool. The solo bridge has at least five tracks going at once which makes it really rich. The solo-bridge is my proudest moment on the whole track. The second highlight is the vinyl scratches in the beginning. We took Bob Marley's "Legend" album and captured the scratches in the feed and looped it during the whole song. It's just a little louder in the beginning. So, in a way, Bob Marley is on my track!

The downside to the record: THE VOCALS!! I was singing in a key that really is too high for me, and ultimately, I just don't like the way my voice sounds with blues music. Very disappointing. But wait...

The Gig:
I wasn't sure I was going to play the gig ultimately. I was so unhappy with my vocal performance on the record that I didn't want to augment it with an equally bad live performance. But, I decided to do two things: play the song a step lower, and shed my self-consciousness. I try to remember that God is supposed to get the glory so my personal opinions about myself are really irrelevant. Playing in a lower key allowed my voice some room to add color to it that doesn't exist on the record. Basically, I sound semi good on the live performance. I was one of maybe eight people who played that night. My parents were there as well as our friends Jackie and Steve (my parents filmed it). By the time I got up there, I wasn't nervous anymore. I "hammed" it up a bit as my dad says (a little pre-song banter). The songs ultimately sounded really good and the audience seemed to enjoy them as well. Fortunately, I asked Lance to record the performance for me (just in case its better). It turns out, it is much better! The downside: he wasn't there to record, so he let the songs clip a bunch while he was monitoring the live sound. But it doesn't make a huge sound problem.

Later that night I got back up and did some impromptu time killers until the post-opera crowd made their way to Marty's (there was an opera performance that night). I sang Across The Universe (Beatles) with a girl from the audience (she was gracious enough to accompany me while I attempted to harmonize with disastrous results). It was a lot of fun. Then I did Sad Clown by Jars of Clay which is from their "If I Left The Zoo" album for which, there is a gold plaque hanging on the wall at Marty's. It's my understanding that Jars were in Decorah when they wrote that album, and that they must have played at Marty's. By then, there were probably only 13 people left in the place and we closed it up.

I'm happy and I feel blessed that God gave me this opportunity that stretched me a bit and caused me to have to trust him. I hope that with his will, I will be able to do more.

And so it begins--The Hobbit is being made.

2008-04-25T12:46:00.003-05:00

Guillermo Del Toro is officially confirmed to be helming the project with PJ and Fran producing. I haven't heard anything about Phillippa Boyens yet (I really like her spirit and what she in particular brought to the LOTR films).

I'm a little disappointed with the choice of Del Toro (even though it's been practically a no-question for months). I would have opted for Peter Weir (Master and Commander, Gallipoli, Truman Show, Dead Poets Society) to helm it. But such is life.

I just didn't like Pans Labyrinth--I didn't see the appeal. It looked cool but beyond that, I didn't get it. Maybe is some Spanish culture thing. Hellboy was alright, the primary achievement of which was getting made in the first place--with a sequel to boot! On the plus side, I'm particularly interested to see how his comments about animatronics pan out in the finished film.

I'm still confident that the films will be well worth seeing and cherishing--just not the level of LOTR . I say this because I wonder if these people have gotten a little too confident which, combined with a much bigger budget (inevitable) than the precursors is a traditional recipe for disappointment.

I'm also not worried about the infamous "second film." I don't think they would proceed with such a project without something special in mind. My only concern would be the potential for the time-honored core story of The Hobbit to be cannibalized by the presence of this "second film." I hope that they give as much thought and soul into the Hobbit as they did for the trilogy and not be distracted by this "second film."

I also hope that they have learned at this point that comprehensive DVDs (with both the theatrical cut, extended cut, extensive documentaries, extensive audio commentaries, and archival packaging) are absolutely the way to go. Please please please please don't miss out on this MGM/Warner/Newline.

All that to say, I'm relieved that it has finally begun. This is going to be a grand five years or so during which I will happily be doing the following:

1: Following production details exhaustively (praying that Ian Mckellan doesn't die before production ends--I know, I'm evil---but I do pray for other things other than movies I'll have you know)>

2:Re-reading the LOTR trilogy (7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, and probably 11th time--about once a year as I did when the original trilogy was being released).

3: Re-reading The Hobbit (5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and probably 9th time--again probably once a year as I've done previously)

4: Worrying unceasingly about the actor cast as Bilbo living up to Ian Holm.

5: Re-reading The Silmarillion (4th and 5th time most likely--great book but a hard read).

6: Watching teaser and theatrical trailers over and over again.

7: Re-reading The Children of Hurin (3rd, and 4th time most likely).

8: Standing in line one cold night in 2010 for many hours at my local theater with my family of nerds and dorks who also like to waste their lives. How I love you so.

9: Going to see The Hobbit in 2010 at least three times--If I do many more viewings than that I sometimes feel that it's too much and the DVD is then less special.

10: Purchasing the soundtrack (after seeing the movie--always) by Howard Shore with the credit song by Enya (please please bring her voice back to Middle Earth where it belongs).

11: Hopefully watching the Oscars in 2011 to support the nominations (somehow I doubt wins) that The Hobbit will receive.

12: Watching teasers and theatrical trailers for the "second film" over and over again.

13: Shelling out $80 for a gift-box set of The Hobbit and spending 10-15 hours binging through the film and bonus features.

14: Standing in line yet once again on a cold night in 2011 with my loved ones...awaiting the final installment of this group of Tolkien adaptations.

15: Watching "The Second Film" in 2011 with a tired and hopefully loving group of film-goers.

16: Breathing a sigh of relief and closure as I go home in the cold.

17: Purchasing the soundtrack by Howard Shore with the credit song by Karin Bergquist (or Amy Lee?). Preferably Berquist.

18: Watching the Oscars in 2012 to support the nominations awarded to "the second film."

19: Picking up the final $80 DVD boxed set and once again binging on the film and features.

20: Suddenly, I'll turn around and breathe another sigh of closure. What an awesome fourteen years it has been watching the birth of Middle Earth on screen. By this time I'll be twenty-six years old, and, if all goes as planned, I'll finally be done with graduate work in film (if God wills it). I might even be married by this time...who knows?

21: Then it will all be over...for the moment. Smile And we'll wait with baited breath for the "Next Generation's Star Wars."

Here's the follow-up interview to the announcement with TORN:

TORN's interview with Guillermo Del Toro

Stuff Seth says #1

2008-04-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

"Hand cream, good for me, bad for monkeys."

Baby Fat

2008-04-23T10:44:00.001-05:00

Why do they call it baby fat? It's not like we're eating babies.

Matricide

2008-04-21T17:06:00.003-05:00

So, we were looking at a few words in the dictionary. In the process I mumbled "..and matricide..." and my mom went "oh...that's bad."

Then Seth procedes to laugh. My mom goes "It means killing your mother..."

Seth says "Oh, I thought it meant killing your mattress!"

What I'm learning at Luther #11

2008-04-07T12:00:00.004-05:00

A question in political science:

What it all comes down to is this: That guy's booger that's stuck to the men's room wall? It looks exactly the same as my boogers.

Some more Seth Quotes

2008-04-01T19:37:00.002-05:00

1: " When I'm 55 years old I'm going to blink, and then time will pass by."

2: "I'm not a problem, I'm a fantastic opportunity!"

What I'm learning at Luther #10

2008-03-10T11:05:00.002-05:00

A question in English:

It pays to have a good vocabulary. Or any vocabulary at all.

This guy sitting by me in the library (as I type) is having a loud conversation where, in the span of about 5 minutes, he must have said the word "like" about 80 times.

...and it doesn't as if he'll be done anytime soon.

He like, likes the word like, like a lot.

Magpie for sale

2008-03-10T10:15:00.002-05:00

Magpie For Sale

I'm sad (kind of). But, though my perspective may be flawed, I think Magpie's been gone for a long time now.

After a year of fighting, I've finally given my anger to God and I'm at peace.

The Magpie ministry and business has left an immeasurable impact on those who have had the privilege of being a part of it. People have grown up there, met their spouses, fallen in love with God, and made lifelong friends there.

I'll never forget this wonderful gift from God, or the people who have put so much of themselves into it, it's customers and myself.

Magpie changed my life.

What I'm learning at Luther #8 and #9

2008-03-03T12:03:00.003-06:00

A question in creative literature:

Reader: "Wait--this script is about spider monkeys?!"

Writer: "It's in the subtext."

A question in metaphysics:

"Google is like God. God is wireless, God is everywhere, and God sees everything. Any question in the world, you can ask Google."
--(The World Is Flat by Thomas Friedman)

Why I want to do film

2008-02-28T11:15:00.004-06:00

First of all, it looks like I'm back in the blogging groove again. Thank you God.

Second, here's the background for what follows. I'm in the midst of throwing together a sample work (film) to send out to different film programs in the U.S. This is because, in case you don't remember, I plan on doing graduate work in film after my bachelor's.

At the moment, I'm probing campus, looking for resources for students embarking on such a project. I sent out my third draft for the script to a few faculty members for literary and technical review. One emailed back and among other questions asked "What is your interest in film?" Weeeelllll...the following is what he got in reply. Way more than he bargained for. But I needed to write it for myself too so I could gain some clarity to my goals and motivations.

NOTE: there's a lot of un-educated pretentious babble on technical stuff that I don't really know anything about yet, but I still need to remember. IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, at least read the italicized section below. That's the most important part of this post--to people other than myself.

Here' goes:

Thanks for responding. The key word to describe me is "un-trained." As far as formal training goes, the 10-minute plays course has been my only one. I've read a few books on screen-writing (Story; Robert Mckee and Stealing Fire From the Gods), but of course, they only supplement--true knowledge and skill is derived from experience and feedback (i.e. getting your hands dirty).

I can't explain exactly how my interest developed except that it just never stopped developing. As a child I apparently had sizable chunks of the musical score for the Ten Commandments memorized and was parading around reenacting the scenes and belting out the queues. At this point in my life, I can safely say I'm just a junkie for feeling, and I always have been.

I trace my development of discernment back to musical scores. I grew up watching Michael Mann's Last Of The Mohicans, Braveheart, the original Star Wars Trilogy (of course), the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman films, and the like. My experience of those movies is so tied in with the music--how it fit, the rise and fall, does it stand alone, etc.

As I got older of course, I started to develop more perceptions to view a film through. The next was what I thought of as "directing." With DVD documentaries now commonplace, I began to understand (remotely) what it is that a director actually does. This element of film making is where I have my sights pointed.

I realize that directing involves tons of mundane management tasks that don't get glamorized, but I can learn some of that in a business setting. I realized that a good director must know about everything that his/her crew do in order to appropriately lead them. I observed that some directors just don't have a good understanding of what an actor does or needs for a good performance. In some cases, I realize that some directors just don't have a conception of what a good acting performance is. This started me on my journey of acting.

I tried filming myself, and recording myself to see if I knew anything about acting and of course, I don't (or very little). I understand how to make a character look heroic or sexy, but how does one make a performance real, connect with the viewer. How does one transform, create a person who others understand through subtext and garner sympathy (David in AI), endearing (Gandalf the Grey in Fellowship of the Ring), disgust (Tim Roth in Rob Roy), pity (The Phantom in POTO), or reverence (Superman)? How? I have two tests for these skills, the first being similarity with other roles (who knew Johnny Depp could actually act until his monumental turn as Jack Sparrow?--don't laugh it's true.). The second test is how well can an acting performance stand under a rotten script? (think Hugo Weaving in V for Vendetta). You can tell when an actor means it and when they're just hogging screen time. It's conviction.

Next, I turned to more technical aspects. What is it that makes a movie feel inspiring vs. gloomy? I attribute this to lighting and visual design (a broad term I know). One of my favorite visual films to study is Micheal Mann's "Heat". I don't quite understand how, but he and his crew managed to conjure images that just exude the loneliness and beauty of L.A. How does he do it? How can a city be so mind bogglingly huge, yet so connected an unified? How does one find identity in such a landscape? These are questions that aren't in the script, but very present in the visual palette.

Next I started paying attention to editing. I get so put off by poorly edited films, and yet, I don't quite understand how to do it well myself. It's a perception at this point, not a skill-set, as with all of these elements. I love studying the differences between a frantic battle, suspense scene, tragic scene and some of the more subtle but exceedingly beautiful editing tapestries (like Sense and Sensibility). To me, good editing is like watching good music. It stimulates some of the same parts of my brain as music does. I've also began to study sound, but that tends to overwhelm me in prospect.

Recently, I've studied the effects of writing on a film. Sometimes the writing (right now I mean dialog) is overly good (Glengarry Glen Ross) and distracting, way under-done (any Star Wars prequels) or just the right level of theatricality in speech (Network). Most recently, I've started to try and understand why some stories last, and why some don't. I look at the great stories and try to make the connections to myself. I believe that a great story is one that taps into the deeper spiritual, subconscious realm. In a very cerebral sense, "What does this have to do with me as a human being?" Therein lie some of the elements that stories use to change our lives.

Why am I doing this? Again, the best way to describe it is I'm an emotional junkie. I just want to FEEL!! I've found my drug in story. I'm a very spiritual person and that's where I've found most of my meaning in life. the other is in other people. My friends and family. But story has helped me tremendously to deal with and understand real life. Story reveals truth. I trust in story because I believe that it comes from deeper carnal places in human beings. We all have it in us, but it comes out in different ways.

My goal and reason to do film, is that I just want to help others to feel the way I do when I watch a good movie. it's that simple. As a christian, I would love to see the world turn to God, but that's not going to happen. I believe that I'm meant to show God to people through film (or music: see below). Many have come before me with the belief that what makes a viewer turn to God is evangelism (aka crap on celluloid passing as film). Essentially, these people have sought to propagandize their audience and history has shown time and time again that human beings don't respond well to that. It rarely works. I believe that real humans would respond to a real God through a real story. The key to that is honesty. I've learned so much about life and God through stories that weren't written with a specific agenda. These stories found their genesis in the soul, and that's where they found their home as a viewer.

One thing to understand is that I have an appreciation for many types of artistic expression that would render the ends above. Chief among them is music, and that's what my pool of existing talent is primarily made of. However, the kinds of music and performance that I'm interested in don't require any kind of schooling; that's why I'm not studying music anymore. Film however, does require training. Success in this business doesn't happen by accident. That's why I'm pursuing film as a career. If it just so happens that an opportunity in music comes up first, I'll take advantage of it. Until then, I'm pursuing film.

The good news is, I could be happy doing just about anything in film, just so long as I got to be a part of it. But that also makes choices more difficult.

Sorry for the excessively long discourse. I wrote this to answer your questions, and also to clarify some of my motivations in my own head. I hope this all makes sense.

Again, I realize that I have a ton of technical and skills training (and wake-up-calls no doubt) before I reach my goals, but at least I know whats coming.

About the script: remember, its only a 3rd draft which I will revise after I get some feedback from yourself and some other faculty and peers.

Thanks very much for taking time to dialog with me.

Cade Loven.

Isaiah 40

2008-02-24T02:10:00.003-06:00

I'm incorporating that "teach me lord" song into one of my own songs as a bridge. I'll post it sometime. Anyway, I'm really feeling this right now.

"To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?" says the
Holy One.
Lift your eyes and look to the
heavens.
Who created these?
He who brings out the starry host
one by one
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing

why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my
God?"
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the
earth.
He will not grow tired or weary
and his understanding no one can
fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the powerof the
weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and
fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like
eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

--Isaiah 40: 25-31

New quote (What I'm learning at Luther #7)

2008-02-22T15:58:00.001-06:00

Overheard in one of my classes--I kid you not:

"My critical thinking skills are slim to none. This class is hard."

!!!!!!!!....Ha!!!

What I'm learning at Luther #5 & #6

2008-02-20T17:38:00.003-06:00

#5: An experiment in chemistry:

I was awake around 24 hours. I had a cold from hell. I took Nyquil so I could get sleep (2 hours before final exam). I woke...and I discovered that the house was rocking back and fourth and that my eyes had lost the ability to focus. Woke up Seth and had him drive me in for my final exam.

Lesson: (Nyquil + beaten college student) X final exam =disaster.

I'm finding out all kinds things at this school.

#6: A question in Accounting:

I understand that institutions of higher learning tend to harass their alumni and beg for money...

My knee-jerk reponse: "Oh dear, did you miss the $30,000 a year that got slipped under your door? Something does not compute..."

What I'm learning at Luther #4 (this one's not gross) :)

2008-02-14T07:40:00.003-06:00

A question in Religion:

I just happened to notice that it's snowing outside...a lot.

And I thought:

Has anyone else realized that when there's snow outside, we get to walk on water?

Thanks God

2008-01-27T01:22:00.000-06:00

God has blessed me today.

He has given me good friends.

I have a family that, human though they are, are loving in ways that still asonish me.

I'm healthy.

I don't have to look over my shoulder when I worship.

I'm not so afraid of what's coming so I'm able to deal with what's happening (this doesn't always last though :) )

God is the end of my road, no matter how I slice it. That's the most comforting thing I can think of.

Geeze, this whole post is random. It's 2:00am, I blehm it un slev devrevashin.

I lurv you people. Fr Rl.

Mama talks Star Wars

2008-01-10T00:47:00.000-06:00

The other day Mama was telling us about when she was washing dishes that morning (she does this for therepy I'm convinced. Same with towel folding). Anyway, she casually mentions that she was washing this sculpted Darth Vader cup I have, and then drops this on us un-expectedly

"I was washing him and it looked like the water on his mask formed tears. I was thinking that he was crying because he abandonned his family and turned to the dark side...
.
.
.
.
...What?"

...as Seth and I sat there, mouthes agape.

That's probably the saddest thing I've ever heard in connection to Star Wars.

Dude.

Righteous Man

2008-01-01T14:05:00.000-06:00

2007 was one of the hardest years to endure for me in a long time. I've blogged on this before so I'll spare the details. It's not like anything long term has happened (like a death in the family or something), it's just a whole lot of little things all happening at once. The whole year long I had been trying to track down the one source of these trials so I could conquer it--as if I could on my own.

One of the biggies (which I blogged about earlier) is the issue of identity. Do I belong with this group or that one? Any group at all? It's a natural instinct with some people to seek a bigger whole to assimilate into within which we find our individual place. I was in transition between several of these groups. As I realized in my earlier blog, my identity is truly with God above all else. Somehow I lost sight of that truth.

I'm reminded of this illustration. This analogy has been in my mind for some time, and I've even preached on it, but I've never connected it to my current emoional predicament. It's like those pyramids of wine glasses where they'll pour into the topmost glass. Eventually that glass overflows and begins to fill the glasses below it. Eventually all of the glasses are filled. However if you poured starting somewhere in the middle of the pyramid, you would only fill a small section of the glasses. In other words, there are many worthy endeavors in this life, but if we don't fill our topmost glass first, we'll never reach our full potential. The topmost glass is loving God. Everything in the world that is worthy of doing eminates from a love of God.

We can't earn our way into the Kingdom of Heaven or God's love. I don't know how long it's going to take for that to sink into my mind.

Anyway, I had all of these things going through, but nothing to help with the specifics. I still had some details on the loving God part that needed ironing out.

I rely on him: Check.

I seek him through scripture, prayer, revalation and teaching: check.

I desire his will in my life: Check.

On and on. But these are all things to do with my inward state.

Two things were revealed to me by God (it feels good to say that). First the obvious: I've got to quit thinking about myself in relation to God all the time. It's time to begin work on a servant heart.

The second was that of being a righteous man. Simple everyday christian concept, but not something I ever saught God on. It's not simply trying to avoid sin, but so many many other things. I believe that this is part of why God allowed so many trials for me in the past year. He's teaching me to get out of myself. When I remember what the rest of the world goes through compared to my priviledged life, I realize that one's place in the world is not the most significant part of human experience, but rather one's proximity with one's creator.

God told me that my mission, my "point," my focus, at this time in my life is to seek righteousness. This is part of what it means to love God: to follow him. I believe that Jesus is our clear example of what we should be striving for. No good way to sum that lifestyle up in a sentence--so I say, study his life in the scriptures and strive to understand it and for lack of a better term: do it. Scripture says that we have the authority and ability to do everything Christ did and more (somone find that passage(s) for me so I don't have to paraphrase that).

As with defining what it means to be like Christ, it's also hard to define what it means exactly to be a righteous man. One thing that helps: the Bible calls individuals righteous (as in perhaps righteousness is different for different people. Maybe?). All of the people I've run across whom I've admired and looked up to (who were genuine and not swindling me spiritually) I consider to be righteous people. Of course I realize that all people sin, but I take the good in these individuals and I'm going to strive to be more like that. Abraham, Moses, Daniel, David, My parents, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien (and his characters) etc. These are individuals who have influenced me to make myself a better person--a righteous man.

If I can make people around me feel the way these people have lead me to feel toward God, then mine wouldn't be a wasted life.

I don't have a nice soundbite to define righteousness, but I now know I have to seek it out. "Real life," as in responcibilities, school, work, play, service to others etc. aren't my purpose in life. They're just something to do while I figure the rest of this God stuff out.

Since found out this stuff, I've felt the burden lifted. I don't feel the opression of spirit I've been enduring anymore.

What can I say? He gives and takes away.

I think I might finally get what that means.

A new Seth quote: Star Wars fans

2007-12-05T07:36:00.001-06:00

He said this to me this morning:

"You know why Star Wars fans are a dying breed?...Because we don't really know how to breed."

Prayers and thanksgiving.--with a little help from my friends.

2007-11-26T10:03:00.000-06:00

I need to remember to be thankful not just for my friends I still see, but the ones who I don't see. I've been blessed with a cushy life, a strong relationship with my creator, and the loyalty of friends. I wish I knew how to thank them back. Here's a chance at getting that done. My apologies to anyone who didn't make the list: if you didn't make it, then it's because you smell like fajitas and I hate you.

Right. I love all of you so much.

I've been praying about how to be a better friend, brother and son. This is an attempt at getting that started. This is for my friends:

Russel and Elisheva: I never was able to be close to you guys as you were a family before I got into the magpie scene. Regardless, I'm encouraged by your examples as parents, children of God, and ministers. I hope the best for you and your family while you are in Israel. I miss you guys being around. I hope you live in Decorah again someday.

Jonathan: Yeah, I've known you most of my life. You're as loyal as they come. Even when I've been stupid, insensitive, and selfish in my friendship, you've always been there. I can always count on having you to discuss the latest nerd movie. Yes, action figures are still cool. Toyfare is my Rolling Stone.

Laura: My sister in arms. I was talking over my list of friends with Seth and I've realized (no surprise) that you're one of the best friends I've ever had. Ever. You know all my garbage. We shared a lot while you were here--I was there your first time through BBC's Pride and Prejudice. I haven't had the opportunity to sit around with many people and listen to music while being emo. Thanks for being such a good listener even when you had stuff to talk about too (I must learn this skill). I'm for lack of a better word, proud of you and what you've become since we first met. I have faith that your life will continue be extraordinary. Keep God in your sight always (it's a struggle, but of course, the most important of all). Our friendship has been unforgettable.

Nick H: How can I put this in words? You're a sweet dude....dude. You've been the closest I've ever had to having a little brother. Your friendship has been a blessing as has your family. Though you haven't changed drastically since you moved here, I've seen you grow into a wise and giving man. I can't wait to meet your wife and I hope I'm still around when you have kids. Yours will be a blessed family. It goes without saying that you're a constant source of entertainment. Probably the funniest guy I've ever met. I pray that you find your road (theater? voodoo?) and keep God in your sights always. Rock on Nick. Whisper whisper whisper...

Adam and Crissy: I realize of course that you guys aren't superhuman. But no matter how normal-human you really are, you'll always be these lifesize bundles of Godliness that I miss really bad. I miss seeing your precious children. Both of you were tremendous influences on me while you lived in Decorah. Crissy's Cell-group meetings were a time of growth and reflection that showed me how important it was to keep God in your life constantly. Your marriage was the first one I've ever been close to (as far as being there from the beginning). The spirit of worship and service you both showed did not go unnoticed, and it's inspired me to have a servant heart. You both have shown me what it means to chase after God endlessly, with passionate desire. I want to be in love with God. Your examples as children of the Lord were instrumental in that growth.

Daniel: I've known you forever too. I think you were three or four when we met you...or something. You've changed in many ways since you've grown up, but you've always been that crazy kid who wasn't afraid to go nuts. I've enjoyed my mission to further your musical education and you've been an appreciative student. I hope you continue to grow in your thinking (rubix anyone?) and always remember God when you're missing something in your life. It never fails, it's always him.

Jason and Cherisha: I've known you two forever too. Geeze!! You're some cool cats if I may say so. It's great to see other homeschoolers grow up to be awesome. No matter what sort of stuff we get into, you're always ready to be our playmates ya know? Legos, starwars stuff, video games, LOTR, and of course MOW. I'm so happy you guys have become so much a part of camp. It's an absolute blast being around you guys there. It's safe to say, you're camp family. :) Have a nice day. Thank you. Achoo.

Jon & Kari: Kari, you did much to make my experience at magpie that much sweeter when you were here. Those were some of the best times of my life (the first months at Magpie). All of those late nights sitting around on the couch with Laura and Seth...eating whipped cream. The King Kong blizzard!! That was the height I think. Jon, you've been our lucky Irishman from the start. I feel better knowing that somewhere there's a nine foot tall barbarian samurai who'll raise hell if I need him. Oh and you know your star wars. Pre-prequel all the way. Thanks for arming us on your special day as well. :) My best wishes for your family. Stay cool.

Male and Delenie: Heh. How I miss you guys. Alas, School and real life keep us apart, but you're still my den mother and father ya know? I'm glad I was able to be part of your magpie family while it was still in business. I cherish those memories though my time with you was relatively short.

J-bo: Where do I begin? You've been a great spiritual mentor through the years at camp. Your teaching and friendship has done much to confirm things in my life, as well as help me to grow stronger and more Godly I think. Of course, you'll always be the head of my Mow family. My only regret is that I still haven't made it to your Oscar party. Your leadership as the reigning prince of pop-culture as been an inspiration. One day, I'll be able to connect Ronald Reagan to Al Pacino (I don't do Kevin Bacon. I do who I WANT Dangit!!!). Oh, and I'm sorry, but Casino owns Goodfellas. Tough. I hope to always see you at camp as you've always been a part of it for me. But if that isn't possible, I understand. What I've written here doesn't do justice, but God knows man, God knows.

Kelly: Ah, Frodo. I miss the old Cell-group days. I remember that one day when there were upwards of 25 people doing Cell group at one time. It was crazy-cool. You've taught me the meaning of remembering birthdays and have always been a loyal movie-buff partner whenever there was something cool to see. Your influence at Magpie's customers is undeniable. Though you weren't as much of a front person toward the end of your career, there were always customers who you knew by name and latte. You've always been a good example of service to our customers. Oh, and I know you'll be good to your kids someday. I hope the best for your marriage too. A whole year already! Don't be a stranger kid...but being strange is okay.

Jason and Chalee: Thank you for the awesome conversations!! You guys have seen much and still maintain a youthful attitude toward the world around you. I know God will find a way for you. I just wish I had your patience to wait. I get too impatient. Thanks for embracing me as a member of the magpie family. Your friendship is one of the many great memories of my time at magpie that I'll never forget.

Luke: You too have been a little brother to me. I'm proud of the man that you're becoming. I'm glad to see how much you love God and are seeking to make him a part of your life. I hope that your time in WV makes you stronger and more able tackle the many things God has in store for you (like babies...lots of babies please). Just don't let them get into anything too dangerous. You're still sorely missed at the magpie. You set a high example for me as an employee. You've taught me what it means to go the extra mile for professionalism. I hope you find what you're looking for in WV. Just remember to always listen to God. And always pray. Stay cool bro.

Sam: Ha! I love you sis.

I just want all of you to know that you've had an impact on me. I do miss those of you who are gone considerably. I'm not good at change, but God's working with me on that. Thank you again for your friendship. Of course there are countless others. Those at camp, the new magpie crew, my church, and so many others. I thank God for you.

I've been praying that God would help me to understand how to live my life as a living sacrifice. I want to be as good to you as you've been to me. I pray that my life will impact others as yours have mine. I pray that I'll lead many to God's presence and that I'll be a beacon of light for those who are searching.

Thank you God for my friends.

What I'm learning at Luther #3

2007-10-12T08:28:00.000-05:00

A question in psychology:

Have you ever been so tired after a late night of studying that when you sit down to drop a stool, you fall into a half sleep on the John?

Then when you wake up you can't remember if you pooped or not, but are too lazy to look and see?

Three means to occupy our human inquisition

2007-10-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

I wrote this for my philosophy of religion class. Some of it is old news for anyone who's ever heard me go off. It's still interesting reading I hope.

I believe that there are three necessary means to finding an occupation for human cognitive faculties, as well as finding meaning in our personal existence. I categorize philosophy as one of these means. I realize though, that not all human beings have the luxury of being philosophical, as sometimes the quest to survive and meet basic needs prevails (as in Maslow’s hierarchy). But in any case, I feel there are at least some philosophical underpinnings in everything people do no matter what their station is in life.
In my observation, philosophy is best described with this equation:
Philosophy= Questions without answers.
With philosophy, there really is no ultimate answer to bring all questions to an end. Philosophy cannot produce an answer that fulfils the inquisitive void because philosophy is generated by human reason (which is fallible). Every time an answer is conceived, the fallible human mind conceives another question. I don’t picture the question-answer pattern to be merely circular but rather spherical because by the time we arrive at a familiar question again, it has taken on a whole knew meaning because of the path traveled. The sphere continues to grow on an eternal scale as there is no end in sight to questions generated by human reason. Thus, we are the eternal inquisitors.
Some might consider an endeavor such as philosophy to be a futile and un-useful means of passing our time, but I would argue that it is necessary. Necessary in that I believe it’s built in to us as a species to fulfill certain needs inherent in our makeup—an occupation of inquisition.
However, philosophy is but one of three means of occupying our inquisitive minds and persons in the quest to find meaning in life and existence. The most common, I would say, would be religion. This is because I observe that the more comfortable and secure one is in life, the less one needs a solution to its problems in the form of God—and consequently, that there are far more people in the world who need a God then people who don’t.
From my experience and observation, religion is best described as:
Religion= Answers without Questions
I say this because religion provides answers that require faith to believed. Though religion has been responsible for numerous evils (the crusades, terrorist attacks, the Hindi caste system), it has been instrumental in creating order and unity in society and in many ways, keeping the human species alive. I say this because I see morality’s primary function (at least from my own spiritual background) as being a way to control the human instincts that are potentially destructive (like homicide, theft, sexual promiscuity, abusive behavior). Much religious law is designed to keep people under submission to religious authority (i.e. to maintain measure of power), but otherwise, it’s meant to foster positive behavior amongst humans.
But the problem arises when people begin to question the answers provided for them—questioning the validity and reality of religious beliefs and doctrine. Since religious claims and doctrine cannot be proven to be true by tangible physical means, religion always relies on faith to be the ultimate answer to the unanswerable. This is why faith and trust are considered to be prime virtues among the religious. However, faith only works for the faithful, and that leaves the skeptics without a compelling reason to believe.
This brings us to the final means to the occupations of our psyche—that of science. To my understanding, science is just a mess. It is equal parts religion and philosophy mixed with fact. I’ll explain these outrageous claims momentarily. But first, I have deduced science (as the third means) to this equation:
Science= Fact and Fact= meaning
I have long claimed that science is a religion itself. This is because there are a great many people who look to science to fulfill all of their inquisitive needs. Unless something can be proven by the scientific method, it is not fact, and therefore has no value. People accept everything scientific theory has to offer without question—trusting science to be the ultimate truth (and scientists to be the sole custodians of truth). Science is used for two things: to observe (discovery), and to explain. In truth, science is only good for the former. That’s where human invention such as computers and vaccines come from. But where science falls short is explaining why a vaccine helps cure disease. Sure scientists can explain how vaccines work down to the molecular level but can they explain what causes the molecules to behave the way they do? There is no end to the scientific quest for explanation.
Science is used to produce fact, and followers of science look to fact as a source of meaning to their existence. The truth is fact itself is fallible. Who can count the so-called “facts” that have been proven false by science through the ages? In truth, there is no fact in existence that is not subject to the possibility of later being proven completely and utter false scientifically. Consequently, fact is not necessarily synonymous with truth. Like philosophy, science is an un-ending cycle of questions and answers, only like religion, it is looked upon as the sole authority on meaning and purpose.
Science goes even further into the realm of religion once it starts attempting to explain what cannot be observed. Try as they may, scientists cannot elevate scientific theory above logical guesswork without cold hard observation to back it up. Unfortunately, much of what science tries to explain is un-observable, and therefore requires just as much faith to believe in as religion.
After bringing these three necessary means of occupation together, I have decided that, as human beings, we need all three of these means in order to find the ultimate meaning that our natural human inquisition is after. I have concluded that the only meaning that makes sense is God. I say this because really, God is the only explanation that covers ever single question that could possibly be conceived by the human inquisition. Consider the three means, philosophy, religion, and science. Here is how an existing God meets the needs of those three methods.
A God who exists is real, and therefore, the questions over the validity of God’s claims and desires (what God’s followers do) are irrelevant. Furthermore, religion is a man-made means of explaining and relating to God, but an existing God is above its creation, and not bound by a creation’s perception and religious doctrine. Therefore, one cannot question God due to religious fault.
For philosophy, I believe that the un-ending cycle of questions lead to an eternal God. Ours is a never-ending road of discovery.
For science, an existing God is the origin of truth, and therefore the answer to science.
I see God as the natural conclusion to humans’ natural occupation of finding meaning to life and existence, and I worship him because I believe him to be omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent. I love him for reasons that cannot be explained through reason, only truth.

What I'm learning at Luther #2

2007-09-28T10:19:00.000-05:00

Another lesson in profundity in the Luther College bathrooms.

A philosophical question:

Does anyone else sense find it ironic when the toilet seat is up in the handicapped stall?

I feel so much

2007-09-18T08:55:00.001-05:00

The title says it all.

It's been a trying year. So many things have gone well while others have gone sour. I'm trying to keep my chin up but that's more of a manic-depressive kind of thing. It only lasts so long before the ugly stuff rears its head again.

A quick update on what's going on:

I had a last minute transfer to Luther college in Decorah. This all happened while Seth and I were at camp (my mother-bless her-did all the application stuff for us). Basically, we found out a day before we left that the tuition at Upper Iowa was three times as much as we expected. Our Grandpa got wind of our predicament and offered to help us out if we went to Luther instead. He's been trying to get us to go there for a long time but financially it was just not possible.

But as it turns out, with Grandpa's help and the enormous amount of scholarships we are receiving, we are able to afford to go to this school debt free. Woot!!

I count myself fortunate that that is the case. Luther is a lot closer than Upper Iowa (7 min vs. 60 min) and Luther has a wider reputation. I'm also happy because Luther has a lot more going for it artistically speaking. This school has done a lot to foster creativity in its students. It's great to be around this atmosphere even though I'm not a part of the art or music scene myself.

My first semester (under the accounting major) includes Cost Accounting which--to make a long story short--sucked the life out of me. I reportedly had dark circles around my eyes, bloodshot, mood changes, and a general lack of time to do anything else under the sun. I tell you the truth, 5 hours on one day's homework for this one class--every DAY! To top it off, my progress was not going so well. I was half dead and it had only been two weeks. In any case, I was strongly encouraged to drop this class and reconsider my major.

I did, and life's been relatively normal ever since. I'm smiling. I watched a movie with my family. I feel healthy. My friend Chela was going through the exact same thing in her chemistry class. I encouraged her to drop it as I did (as it was an elective anyway) and her life has gone back to normal as well. Being miserable is not conducive to learning, I'm sorry. I've never dropped a class before and all during my decision making time I was telling myself that I'm weak and a failure for not being able to handle it. Well, yes to the first, no to the second. After I dropped it, it was like Paul's eyesight being restored, I felt a veil between me and reality being lifted, and now my time at Luther is not that different then my time at NICC (I do miss some of those people though, and their much faster more reliable internet).

It's not like Luther's classes are any harder, in fact, my gen-eds are easier. It's just that I don't have the mindset necessary for accounting. what I liked was book-keeping. It relaxes me. This other stuff? Not on your life. I've left that horrid stench behind me permanently.

I now also have a work-study job which I'm really excited about. I get to record the recitals performed by the music students. Not only am I being paid to learn basic sound engineering (something I would have paid to learn myself), but I get to hear all of the music--most of which is superb. Oh, and my boss is a male version of Sam Darling if anyone can imagine that. He's a hoot. I hope it stays that way. I was led to believe that I could use the booth to record my own material, but I'm not sure that I can do that. I would be able to use the booth for post-production, but the actual recording would have to take place elsewhere.

I'm reading Bone again (excellent graphic novel), and wishing there were better movies coming out this holiday season.

Warning: The following is a self-centered rant.

Warning: if you're in a good mood, this will probably spoil it.

Warning: if you're in a bad mood, this won't help.

Disclaimer: I've said it all before and, lo and behold, I'm saying it again. This is by far the longest time of trial I've ever been through. I don't mind if others read it, but I feel bad for all the negativity I'm spreading. Proceed at your own risk.

So here I am, and I feel so much in both good and bad ways. I feel anxious because the close call with my major (I'm switching to management *ugh*) brings to light the urgency I feel to get on with my life. I want out of school. The plan always to get a normal marketable degree (aka cushion) and then move on to what I feel called to do: the creative arts. But life is short, and I'm not really interested in business. I feel like this is a waste of time and money. I know it will help pave the way to a normal middle class life, but maybe that's not God's plan for me (so says the naive 20 year old). But I haven't had to live life without the luxuries provided by my parent's hard work, so who am to make judgments on what I can handle or not? I'm sheltered and I don't know what I'm really made of.

I'm also a believer in God's hand being a part of where I go in life. Luther was a wide swinging open door that is um-mistakenly Gods plan for me. But obviously, feeling great and proud about what I'm doing is not. I would like to do theatre but that would be missing the point of getting a college degree wouldn't it? It's about security and reducing financial risk. I'm not sure how I feel about that concept (again--naivety?)

I live off-campus so I'm not a part of the social network here (like that would be a good idea in the first place). But still it's nice to know people. Magpie is unrecognizable. I feel irrevocably distant from its goals and its people. I've been ousted in spirit for the most part. I'm just surviving now. I would like to be close to what we are doing as a team, but that's like asking a child of divorce to whole-heartedly embrace a step-parent. Because one came first, the other will always be second. It's not all bad there though. Esther is a good leader, and Rose has been an un-expected source of sanity for me. She cheers me up.

But thats it isn't it? Someone has to cheer Cade up or he will remain sad. I rely on others to make me happy, why can't I make myself happy? But that would be just as selfish wouldn't it? Either way, I've been wondering what exactly I've done to nourish my friendships lately. The answer? Probably nothing.

Oh garbledyshooknitz!!!!! It's all just going down hill!!! Just look at this blog, what used to be a place for me to come and write my passionate opinions (woohoo?), and tell about the interesting things I've been thinking about. Why no more? All I write about is ugly stuff. What a waste.

On the plus side, the original reason I wanted to write this post is that I've also been feeling much more worshipful and I wanted to try and express that here. Heh, worthy goals. I am worshiping, just not on here yet. I hope I get there.

What is it that God's trying to tell me through all of this? It's not like there's death in my family, or hardship--it's not that bad. But why do I feel so un-fulfilled all the time?

What do I have to let go of to let God in?

"Restore unto me, the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me." --that's a psalm somewhere that's also a song.

I'm not giving up on God, I'm just getting impatient with him and myself. Again, what do I have to let go of to start hearing his clear voice again?

Profound?-[EDIT: What I'm Learning at Luther #1]

2007-09-05T08:50:00.000-05:00

I found this written in tiny tiny letters on the grout in the mens room in the Preus building:

"no two poops are alike"

I've heard it said that every person is unique.

Are we made of poop?

(apologies for the distasteful post). :)

The Magpie Cast

2007-08-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

It all started at 7:30am tuesday morning at the Magpie. I asked Troy (our fearless breakfast master): "Troy, top five action movies from the 80s..Go!"

This led us straight into an 8 hour conversation with Troy and Kelly on movies: opinions, favorites, and numerous top five lists. In any case, I ended up posing a new top five: "Top five most needed biopics." So there we were, mentioning names such as Martin Luther King (played by Terrence Howard? Eh? EH?), Napoleon Bonaparte, Curt Cobain (or Nirvana as a whole preferably). and finally I was musing and as a joke I said "Justin Neumeier." After deciding that Justin's life would in fact make an interesting movie, we mused on who would we cast as our beloved boss.

This led us to cast basically the entire Magpie crew, past an present and many who are associated. Here is my revised list (I have strong opinions as my crewmates will attest, and I would also say, good taste). Some disagreements arose, some where overcome, some of these were instant no brainers (like Kelly, Adam H., Johnny, Dale). Some of these are not perfect fits, but it's a working list that's open to suggestions.

Just so you faithful monthly readers are aware, this list is not necesarily based on physical likeness (though that's always a nice bonus). It's moreso based on an actor's repertoire, attitude, skill, essence and general ability to represent what these beloved people represent. So age, race, body type and such do not matter exactly (so don't flame us). If you are not on this list, give us a not-so-polite comment and we'll do our best to cast you too. :)

The person's name is first, then the actor, If you don't know the actor, look them up on www.imdb.com

No particular order:

Adam Humburg (no brainer. NO question.): Jim Carrey

Stephen Allen (I chuckled when I thought of this. We love you stephen): Steve Buschemi

Cade Loven (Kelly kept saying Christina Bale which is flattering, but not as perfect as...): Kevin Spacey

Tony Pierce (as much as we'd like to deny it): Orlando Bloom

Seth Loven (I kept pusing for Hugh Grant or Billy Bob Thorton but after discussin it with Seth I had forgotton this perfect fit--think O Brother Where Art Thou): George Clooney .......Hey, what about Jeff Goldblum? Eh?

Troy Pierce (a very tough person to cast. It woul have been Will Farrel except that he's not as scary as Troy is. As for this guy, think Troy and Hulk): Eric Bana

Kelly Landa (easy): Drew Barrymore

Esther (think Fun With Dick and Jane here--not spanglish): Tea Leoni

Rose (took a while, but it's perfect): Maggie Gyllenhal

Justin Neumeier (This is a close match with the exception of the lack of slick italian charm): John C. Reily But what about Jack Nicholson?

JJ Neumeier (Think Elizabethtown, not spiderman): Kirsten Dundst

Luke Harless (its not a perfect match, but it's actually pretty close. This guy has more of luke in him than is immediately apparent): Guy Pearce

Dale Kleiner (heh, heh, heh): Danny DeVito

Adam Landa (He hates this guy): Paul Walker

Melenie Kleiner (Motherly, nurturing, etc. Den mother): Sissy Spacek

Crissy Humburg (Toughest to cast by far. I originally had Meryl Streep, but that didn't sit well with me. Crissy's a complicated woman.): Naomi Watts

Laura Mac (Another tough cast, but I'm confident in our choice): Rene Zelweger

Noelle (almost impossible to cast. However, lisa embodies at least some of Noey's traits and personality.): Lisa Kudrow

Johnny Vasquez (Perfect. Absolutely): Eugene Levy

Nick Harless (Ha! Easy): Ben Stiller

Katie (Tough, but this works pretty well for such a multi-facited person): Anne Hathaway

Sam Darling (I can't believe we didn't think of this immediately): Geneane Garofolo

As for Jon and Carrie Sanford, we're at a complete loss. Any Suggestion? Is anyone in the world who could think of playing these two and doing them justice?

I wrote this. It's weird.

2007-07-16T08:54:00.000-05:00

I wrote this while I was listenin to Dignan's record, "The Guest."

I got back from Cornerstone a few weeks back and it was spectacular. I loved it and can't wait to go again.

As for this piece, I'd say Brad Hathaway would be proud. :)

Here it is:

“Thunder and Footsteps”

I’m alright tonight
This time I am content
Music takes me away
Transportation to another Place
Time
Space
A smiling face that’s pierced—like my heart
These eternal souls live on
With intensity and love
Incense mixed with heat
Our bodies in love with the beat
Mud and straw binds these hearts together
Bind us together lord
Reach out and touch
Feel
Love is in the air
It makes my body feel throttled
Caresses my hair into a
comfortable
Backward
position
The drum beats my heart
Killing the man I was
This threshold is electric and alive,
Pulsing through the fibers of inhibition
Freedom is in the movement
The blood, sweat, and bruises are always worth it
Primal—Base—Naked—Spirit—
Revelry has that effect on a man’s life
You’d never know what is in me
if only by what you see
Hot fury,
And the wondrous, awesome, incandescent strength and joy of love
Wrappped
In the family fold
The thunder and footsteps still echo in my soul
A blazing sun of a man stands before you
Yet the light does little for this room
I wish the fire would spread on its own
But alas, like most of these things
My life must suffice
These tears of joy will be tears of memory
I will never forget
And neither will heaven itself
In fact,
I’m pretty sure heaven is still trying to catch its breath

Heaven is not so far away

2007-06-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I returned from Senior week at Midwest Bible Camp which many of you know is one of the few aspects of my life that keeps me sane. Every time I go to camp I am reminded that there are perfect things in the world. Not that camp is perfect, but it comes so close, its scary. I don't have to act on faith when I'm there. I can see and understand God right there and then without doubt.

When life gets chaotic in real-life, I have to remember camp and what God does there or else i couldn't go on (so I tell myself). I know God's bigger than my feelings, but camp and its memories are one of God's biggest weapons in my life.

I will always be thankful for this wonderful gift. Thank you lord. One of the most intense things I learned at camp this week came from my friend Chris Merches: If it weren't for God, I wouldn't know any of the people I love at camp. Otherwise, why would I go to such a place? This applies to almost all of my friends too. Thank you lord for them.

In a matter of hours after I returned from camp, real-life kicked in with the worst it could dish out at this point in my life. Without going into details, I just had horrible experience after horrible experience involving the Magpie--the most intense I've had in a long time. I couldn't believe it all happened at once so quickly after my utopian experience. I felt like the servants the king sent out to invite guests to his banquet, only to be torn limb from limb by those I'm meant to be Christ to.

So there I was, spiritually bleeding, my heart balling its eyes out to God, and missing camp so badly I was nearly paralyzed. Then a line from an old Phil Joel song went out in the air: "Heaven is not so far away, we will be home someday!"

Thank the lord for Phil Joel (another source of sanity in my life), and especially at that time. I have no doubt that for me, Heaven will look a lot like Midwest Bible Camp, and that a lot of the same people will be there. I am so grateful for these brief glimpses of Heaven prior to the real thing. They keep me going.

When friends asked about my experience, I didn't have a tangible answer that they would understand. I told them that I felt like a soldier returning from a horrible war only in the opposite way. A soldier returns from hell, I returned from heaven. In both cases, the one who returns finds a surreal disconnect from those around him who weren't there to experience it with him. I know that camp is not the fount of God's power in the world, but it's a big one for me. Again, thanks God.

For those who've been there: I love you so much.

I pray that God will help me to take what I've gained there and channel it for his glory in my own life.

On a side note, I'm off to cornerstone in a few days. I'm nervous, but God brought this door to me, he's behind me.

Thanks to everyone who reads these extensive (and often depressing) disertations, and thanks for the encouraging comments. I love you.

The Breaking of the Fellowship

2007-04-26T08:56:00.000-05:00

Good grief.

I'm full of tolkien. Its so weird, but like I told Laura last night, reading Tolkien for the first time and the relase of the wonderful LOTR films was a landmark in my life that kickstarting my process of growing up.

Tolkien's books have added so much spiritual and emotional clarity to my life, I'm so grateful for them. Thank you God such a wonderful gift.

Anyway, this is a responce to Melenie's post about missing the past. I fully understand her sadness and frustration with change, but the only answer so far that's made any sense is this connection to Tolkien. There's not a whole lot here that's new, it's just something I didn't want to forget, so I'm posting it here too. Here's what I wrote:

I miss you too Melenie.

Maybe the original crew should organize a hostile takeover of Bookends and Beans and start over :P. A coup!!!

Heh, heh.

I don't know. Maybe the change was inevitable. Like the wise Mr.G says "even the wise cannot see all ends." I just wish we could part with the beautiful past on better terms you know?

You know what this feels like? (I know, more tolkien reverences). It feels like the fellowship of the ring. What we had before was hobbiton. Like a happy little club. But soon, reality had to kick in, and now we're on the journey (some of us on seperate ones). Our fellowship has broken.

The sad part is, like Frodo, we can't go back to exactly the way it was. But frodo had a place to go forward to beyond his old home, and so do we.

Just like the passing of a friend, we should mourn for a time, and then move on with our lives. But we should always remember it.

Jesus is there like you said. God, please let us see with your eyes, and grant us peace. Inner peace, and peace with each other.

We've gotta talk melenie, its been too long.

EDIT!!!!: At least one part of our past hasn't changed and that's Homestar. Check this out, it's one of the best ones I've ever seen. I nearly wet my pants. I needed that. (the nearly part. I would have been mad if I wet my pants.)

http://www.homestarrunner.com/datenite.html

woot

Yay, more existentialism--with a note of hope though

2007-04-23T19:49:00.000-05:00

Boo paranoia.

For the past several months I've observed that I only blog when I'm moody. I wish it would go away but alas, my ugly feelings remain pervasive. In the back of my mind I know that God has not forsaken me and the entirity of my relationship with him is perfectly sound. I just wish I could climb a mountain and ask him to his face all of the questions that aren't being directly answered in his word (today). And I want them now.

Its weird, its like I'm waiting for God to get over his gloomy mood when in reality its me who is gloomy. Yes God enjoys seeing us happy in this life and will do things to make it happen. But we're sinners who live among sinners, no matter how righteous we are or pretend to be. Consequently, just as we feel the effects of our own sin, we have do deal with the effects of others' sin.

Here's where I'm standing: All of a sudden in the last few weeks, I'm discovering how fragile I am. I'm not impervious to spiritual attack as a child of God. I'm used to seeing others go through it, but I've taught myself to no be affected by most people's pain because there's really nothing I can do about it. Consequently, I don't know how to properly deal with my own issues and I feel like there's no one else to talk to.

(and someone says: "Right, not that God's worth talking to.") Duh. I could do that. Who would have though of that? My prayer life has got to get itself out of its Lazy boy chair.....I wish I had a lazy boy chair. Geeze. No fair.

Before I go on, please let me apologize to anyone (I'm not sure who ends up reading this stuff) who might feel like I'm casting blame on them. Please don't, it's not what I'm trying to do. I'm merely trying to gain some kind of emotional closure through this. i'm not making any conclusions on these matters: this is an account of how I feel, i.e. I'm venting.

I've narrowed down my sickly emotional state to this problem: I feel like I don't know where I belong.

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<".......BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Cade is emo! Yes kids, Cade the one who prides himself on not having the typical issues faced by coming of age, is sliding."> It stings my pride to admit to such a stereotypical problem but its true. We can't all have problems that haven't already made their way into countless gothed-up teenager's notebooks full of "poetry." At least my voice doesn't crack when I "talk to girls" (woo, I have some depreciating disdain left to hang on to.).

I feel like I'm walking around in a fantasy world where everyone around be knows something very important but is refusing to share it.

I've never found much identity in school, so not feeling like part of the club isn't a big deal. That said, I have a grand total of about three weeks left with a campus I've practically lived on for over six years. Some of the faculty are like family. It's been a part of my life, and now it won't be. How sad.

I can't really let my guard down emotionally/spiritually with my congregation because our relationship has long felt like a matter of ministry and service rather than being fed myself. I'm too scared to be vulnerable and imperfect in front of them like it was some kind of disservice. I love them dearly, but I'd be surprised if they really knew me as well as I know them.

My relationships with friends are suffering as I get around more. I'm having to learn that i'm not in control of people. I feign interest in the lives of my friends, but ultimately, I'm either too selfish or scared to reach out. It's a problem I've finally diagnosed recently: I don't play well with others. Either the laid-back ease with which people have fun is an infuriating facade, or I have a serious social issue. I used to believe myself to be the "funny,outrageous guy with a hint of deep sensibilities underneath." And honestly, for a long time, I believed that was my niche in a given group. Now I don't know. People around my fill this role socially much better than I leaving me in their dust (<"right cade, as if it was a compitition.">). To further complicate the symtoms of my diagnosis, I have this nagging lifelong belief and habit that's starting to bite me: "No one wants to be around me unless they initiate the friendship." Its getting me into trouble, and if I don't snap out of it I'm going to start running out of friends.

My band is digging in its heals and is seemingly refusing to do anything constructive. I can't fathom how anything of value will come out of this if no one is willing to put effort into it. Maybe I'm blind (they really are working at it and I just can't see) or maybe I'm just stupid. Where does the identity problem come in? The rest of the band seems fine with how things are going. If I were to ask "what is the point of what we're doing during these four hour practices?" they would say "Huh?" and proceed to do Will Farrel impersonations and talk about our future stage performances filled with our imaginary music. I get so frustrated that I want to quit, but I know that like all of my other frustrations listed here today, God put me here for a purpose. Like everything else: persevere. Plus, like my congregation, I love these people. I just wish I knew what to do to make them more interested in what we're doing. Oh, and I blew away $100 on a soundboard for this band. Sometimes I miss it.

Occasionally I want to just to a city where I have no history and start over can use my charm and mystique to paint a pleasant and attractive picture of myself. It only works for so long though as is being evidenced in my relationships of late. I'm faced with this feeling again at the Magpie. At a certain point in your relationship with a group of people, you run out of tricks, and you're forced to show what you're really made of. No use sugar coating it, I feel like something I dearly loved has been ripped out of my hands and butchered before my eyes. <"a bit melodramatic, even for you Cade?">. Maybe so, but when I actually take a moment to reflect on how much that place has changed, that's when I start feeling overwhelmed. The only word I've found that consistently fits my feeling toward the Magpie is that it's gotten dark. So dark that I want to cry. I wish I could cry, but I'm not that good an actor. My experience at the Magpie has been one of the most beautiful and significant times of my life. I've affected and been affected. The reality is, there is only one person left of the original group I came to love. Now, I feel like a refugee, colateral luggage that neither has a purpose, or lives without one. I have to trust that God still has a hand in the place or I will have to leave. Maybe my longing for the past is selfish too. Perhaps its God's will that I should change as the Magpie has. But nonetheless, I feel that I'm running out of reasons to stay there except that there's no where else to go.

Even my fellow christians are leaving me in doubt of my kinship. I have increasing difficulty knowing what to make of doctrinal differences. My online community is hardly recognizable as a spiritual hub anymore except for the occasional post from the moderator and the fact that swearing is not allowed on the boards. I realize that I shouldn't sweat the small stuff (like anything other than salvation), but I get so utterly discouraged when the christians around me don't share my values. I'm supposed to confide in them for support but there's no one who shares my beliefs or standards. The christians around me, the ones I talk to online, and some of the ones I read about all feel so worldly. Its like its required to be a superficial, counter-cultural, entertainment saturated, screw-you, cooler than thou Christian in order be accepted in this generation of christians. Either that or be a part of the hyper-institutionalized branches of the church. Ugh. I feel alone and confused in this matter. Does this mean that my convictions are not of God? Does this mean that these people are less in God's eyes? I hope not, but it doesn't make it easier in my mind to navigate the moral playing field. --again, God in the image of a man in a mountain cave would be infuriatingly convenient right now.

I just want to be effective. I don't want my life to be a waste otherwise, whats the point?

Here's the hopeful element (finally). I haven't fully grasped what it means to me and what I'm going through yet, but the truth is,...

I don't belong to anyone

...anyone but God.

I'm in the world, but not of it. I have to find my identity in God, not in the worldy that seem so important.

I know that this is truth, but it hasn't really sank in yet.

Realize that there are areas in my life where I do find satisfaction with who I am, where I belong. My family for one, and MWBC for another. I'd rather not think about life without either of them. They are so far, God's supreme gifts to me here on earth (and maybe the Magpie and my stuffed animals :P ).

I look forward to the day when I can write something hopeful and encouraging again on this page. Maybe it'll be sooner than later. In the meantime, I've gotta pray.

Sorry for the avalanche of words.

When I'm 80

2007-04-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

I just found this on my flash-drive. It's an old paper I wrote for a human relations class. We were supposed to write a very brief paper where we would imagine being 80 years old and looking back on our life. How would it have been a success? Here's what I wrote two years ago:

“When I’m 80”
Cade Loven
Human Relations

When I’m 80, I’ll know my life was a success because, well, because I was happy. I try not to live my life completely focused on goals which I might not ever achieve. As a believer in God, I believe that the only thing that will ever make us happy is to do God’s will. It’s like we’re toasters, a toaster will not function if you use it to make coffee. Making coffee is not the toaster’s purpose. The Bible says that we are “jars of clay,” and that God is the potter.
With that in mind, I look at life this way: when I come to a crossroad, I first ask for God’s guidance, that he would either open, or close the door I’m about to enter. Then I try the door. The beautiful thing about this philosophy is that if I find the door closed, it’s not a defeat. I wouldn’t have become stronger or as satisfied with life, if I had forced the door open rather than listened to God’s spirit.
Here’s another side of this coin: I know plenty of people who are so desolate and are being persecuted for their belief in God (China, Korea, the middle east), and yet they do not despair. How can one be truly happy when they’re being beaten, tortured, thrown in prison, and even killed? I water it down to simply peace. I say my goal is to ultimately live a happy life, but what’s more important is to have inner peace. I may not be totally happy with where life takes me, but if I have peace with myself, and with God, then that’s all that really matters on this earth.
I’d love to think that I will have a loving marriage, Godly children, financial security, and freedom of religion for the rest of my life, but who really knows what will happen in my lifetime? I may want a wife someday, but who knows if I’ll ever find one I could live with until I die? I may be hoping for healthy children, but what if my wife is barren, or I am sterile? These are things that can break someone. Scripture says to store up our treasures in Heaven, not on Earth—a philosophy I have to remind myself of every day.
I have dreams of what I’d like to do in my life, but even if I never get to fulfill those dreams, I know my life will have been a success, because God is in control of me. I make a conscious decision every day to let go of the wheel, and trust God to take me where he wants me to go.
Some people live their lives never trying those doors that pop up during our life, they do so out of fear that something will change. They fear that either the door will be closed and they will face disappointment, or that the door will open, and their lives will never be the same. I’ll know my life was a success because I try those doors, and no matter what the end result may be, I’ll be happy.

Stay my fist of death...

2007-03-28T12:47:00.000-05:00

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

This was quoted by a poster on WMP prefaced with the question, "Am I the only one who hates Quentin Tarantino and his movies?"

"March 15, 2007 -- THE people who dole out ratings at the Motion Picture Assn. of America just might flip out when they see "Grindhouse," Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's tribute to the ultraviolent, nudity-drenched pictures that once screened 'round the clock in the grungy movie palaces of 42nd Street.

The Weinstein Company, which is releasing the picture April 6 through its Dimension Films arm, needs an R rating for the flick to get into mainstream theaters. But, "some of it is so graphic and outrageous for a major Hollywood studio, there's no question it's headed for an NC-17 without big cuts," says a Page Six operative, who got a sneak peek at the most over-the-top footage.

"Grindhouse" is actually two short movies - one directed by Tarantino, the other by Rodriguez - with an intermission between them. During the break, a series of fake trailers will be shown for such fictitious titles as "Werewolf Women of the SS," directed by Rob Zombie.

"In one scene, a cute, topless girl is roughly tied down on a table by evil female Nazi experimenters who begin draining her blood and, as she screams in agony, they brand her like livestock with a coal-hot steel swastika," our source said. "And every girl in the Nazi concentration camp is topless."

Another trailer, directed by Eli Roth, of "Hostel" fame, is called "Thanksgiving," in which a town's celebration of Turkey Day is interrupted by a mad slasher.

"There's a part where Jordan Ladd [daughter of Cheryl Ladd of 'Charlie's Angels'] is in a car with her boyfriend and giving him [oral sex] when she lovingly reaches to stroke his hair and discovers his neck is just a bloody stump - some maniac had just cut off his head while she was in the act."

Later, a frisky cheerleader climbs onto a trampoline and begins stripping naked as she jumps up and down until she does a split and her skirt blows up without panties underneath. "You get the full 'Britney Spears-getting-out-of-the-limo view,' " our source says. Another jolting scene shows a grossly obese man chewing on a baby.

How much of these moviegoers will end up seeing is anybody's guess. "Some cuts definitely will have to be made. There's no question," conceded one studio insider. A Dimension rep declined comment.--nypost.com"

And this was my responce:

You aren't alone with me either. It saddens me how horrible he is and how much the public follows him like SHEEP!!!

Brainless.

there is no excuse for what he does. I don't care if someone waves the tattered flag of artistic vision in my face, I'm prepared to burn it myself if this is what it stands for.

And yet the people support him blindly. It's like the mac users say about windows: "If you use windows, you're part of the problem." Tarantino wouldn't be anything without his adoring public, so let this be a lesson to you my fellow Americans:

The content of these movies rests on your shoulders. ...period.

Sometimes I just want to go be a hermit in the mountains (provided there's heat, AC, and running water of course Smile )

Seriously, why does the public shell out it's hard earned cash to have filmmakers urinate/defacate/sneeze/and (well you know), on celluloid, then have this refuse dumped on them? I'm at a loss for words.

Cornerstone new band showcase

2007-03-22T13:19:00.000-05:00

As I'm going to cornerstone '07, I though I would check out their new band showcase on their website. This year they have mp3s up for each of the bands. I didn't count exactly how many there were but there were a lot. Of course, there are your garden variety of hopefuls who really don't know what they're doing (I know that's harsh, but it's true). A lot of them just suffer because of really poor recording quality, a matter of funds I'm afraid. A sad fact but it's reality. Otherwise, there are a number of artists who have submitted whom I have fallen in love with. Part of the mystique is the fact that they're unsigned artists (some not for long).I got so humbled hearing how much talent is floating around out there.

First off, realize that I'm taking this seriously as an artist myself (who would greatly appreciate the vote myself someday). There are three factors in how I'm voting. First, whether I like them or not (self explainitory). Second, whether they need the publicity (there are several who are amazing, but they really don't need this gig as they've already got an album etc.). Third, how much I would like to see them live. Juggling the three is tough as you will see if you make it over to listen to them.

Fortunately, you don't even have to go to cornerstone to vote, so I urge you (faithful readers haha) to take a gander at these artists and cast a vote. Otherwise, listen anyway as there a great number who I never would have heard of if I didn't see them here. I also am absolutely torn about who to vote for. Here's my list of the artists I am narrowed down to with a tentative top five. You can only vote for one! Arrrgh. Below also is a link to the site where you can hear the songs.

I've included links to the artist's myspace pages and encourage you to be their friends and encourage them.

The list (in order of their apearence on the page) with a *** by the ones that are in my opinion especially noteworthy candidates (given my criteria above) in my mind:

Oh, and there's a list to the side which will be updated occasionally until the contest is over. Woot!

Sent by Ravens

: These guys have a cool alternative, hard sound. They have a brain too, which is always a plus. Modern Day Mary is a really cool soft song.

All the tired Horses

: More subdued folkish group. Very mellow. This is one of many that would make great albums and/or imtimate live performances, but I would go to cornerstone just for them. The guy's voice fits pretty well.

Ag Silver

: These guys have such a good ultra-melodic sound. I find them absolutely amazing. The vocalist is also very talented. He fits very well.

DJ Slovack

: He's got an awesome groove. He's the only techno/house artist on the list. He is very talented. I'll be searching for his CD along with almost all of these artists.

Michael Gooden

: He's a very laid back melodic indie rocker. He's got some good songwriting in him.

Tim Serdynski

: Decent songwriter with a great voice. His first song is the main reason I like him.

Siloam

: These are a bunch of siblings who are all of high-school age. Frankly, I'm blown away by the 14 year old lead vocalist. Yeah the music itself is a little kiddy, but hey, they're kids. Mostly punk rock. Very surprising.

Ryanhood

: These guys are so much fun!! Superb guitar work and an air of artistic excellence that certainly sets them apart. They seem more classy if I may say so. KELLY RAE, you might like these guys as they remind me of Nickel Creek without the bluegrassy stuff.

***Since October

: These guys are pretty much my number one on the list so far. However, as much as I would like to see them live, I'm pretty sure that they'll make it without my vote, and honestly, they don't need the publicity from a show like this anyway. They're a hard driving rock with a very spiritual focus. Without a doubt they're going places very soon.

***Tifah

: Oh my, this group floors me. I'm pretty sure they'll get my vote this year, but I'm not voting until we get closer to the deadline as there are still bands being added every day.

Ryan Wilkins

:Wow!! Amazing music. So melodic with great lyrics. Americana/Rock that's more complex then it appears at first.

Sailor Sequence

:Ambient elctronic bliss. Again, not one I would see live, but it would be an amazing album. Very careful music if that makes sense. Very organic.

Controver Sea

: These guys have a nutty attitude that reminds me of ActionRaction very much so. Give them a nice recording and they're set to be a unique and...neat album.

The Tapes

: These guys are a slightly ambient rock group. Very unique sounds. Thoroughly engaging songwriting. All around almost perfect. There's not a single element about these guys that doesn't make sense. Delightfully weird.

***Big Rig

: A devestating hardcore band. These guys have some genuine musical ability in their repertoire. Their vocalist is one of the best I've heard in this genre in a while. If you don't beleive me just wait for the chorus in If I Can Move Mountains featuring David Bunton of The Showdown.

Jana Holland

: CRISSY HUMBURG, YOU WILL LIKE THIS ARTIST!! a minimalist accoustic singer/songwriter. I like her stuff a lot. She has such a beautiful old fashioned voice similar to Sarah Kelly and mellow Janis Joplin. Sounds like a quality 60s album. Very pretty and relaxing. Just so you know, the only place you can hear a full song--her best is at the cornerstone site.

Here's her page

***Luminate

: Beautiful music. Reminded me immediately of snow patrol (one of the primary influences). This is some of the most easily accessable groups on this list.

Disaster at Sea

: Absolutely phenominal experimental group. It's delightfully weird. The vocalist has quite the unique voice. He's never perfectly in tune with the band, but for some reason that adds to the appeal. Its jarring and engaging. It feels like some trippy hippy album out of the 60s. Very gritty too. I like it.

Nailpoint Payment

: They're your average rock band. What caught me onto these guys is their one song Freedom. It's a hit no mistake. The vocalist is also entertaining in a classic sense. The song feels almost bigger than the band itself, one of those songs that just took off and lost control beyond the scope of the artist. It's happened to me. Their other song isn't that good though.

The Silence Tree

: Decent contribution to the mix. Laid back rock that's very mellow (noticed a trend with me?). This group are a real band, not a chugga chugga CRAAAH RAAAA BLAAAAAAAHH!! monstrocity. This one feels more like soundtrack material. Very cool.

COG

: you gotta get past the crude recording quality to appreciate them. While the vocals don't feel all that original, but the band as a whole is actually quite good where it dosn't feel like they're trying to hard to be something they're not. They feel real if you know what i mean. Great instrumentation too, they just need a better recording and a nice producer.

***Dignan

:This is some of the most beautiful and rich music I've heard in a long time. Laid back songwriting coupled with perfect vocals and instrumentation. These guys are my number two vote so far.

Wesly Jensen

: Another mellow musician. His vocals are so unique yet familiar. The beautiful songs sound like perfect soundtrack selections.

And here is the link to the full list of contestants

My take on downloading music (might be updates later)

2007-03-15T08:43:00.000-05:00

I did this in responce to a thread on WMP on illegal downloading. There might be updates here as the conversation progresses:

--I believe down loading music is wrong and selfish. As an artist myself, I find it sad that people don't take art seriously enough to ensure that artists receive the funds needed to continue. Music is a gift, not a right.

All moral philosophy aside, I don't like it from a consumer standpoint. I can't tell you how ridiculous it sounds to me when I ask my friends what music they like and they say "I don't know, all kinds of stuff." Well, what do you listen to? "Whatever's on my ipod." Hmm, what's on your ipod? "I don't know, I just download everything from other people's ipods and such." Really, how much do you have? "About four days worth. Huh huh." ........? I can't tell you how many copies of this conversation I've had with people.

I gain so much pride and satisfaction by showing others my rich and diverse CD collection. I can't have music without the inserts, it brings me further into the album experience. I'm sitting at school thinking, I'd really like to hear such and such a song right now. When I had an ipod, I'd pop it up and there it went. Instant gratification. After I got rid of it, I was back to the bliss of waiting and finally getting to hear the song after a hard days work and meditation.

I agree with the poster when he said "you can't always get what you want." That is so true. Why take life for granted? Despite the fact that I pay every solitary cent for my music, I still get over-saturated. I don't remeber lyrics anymore. When I figured that out, I was horrified!!! Knowing my music used to mean so much to me and now it's just stuff. This was multiplied by 100 when I had an ipod. Within days I was sick of all my music. Ugh, what an aweful feeling.

I'd venture to say it is an addiction. People who do this sound like squealing children to me. "I steal music because I want it!! EEEEEhhh!!!" The way I look at it, those who download illegally don't deserve to listen to music at all.

Then of course, there's the spiritual aspects. Scripture is clear and you can't argue with that unless you don't believe in scripture.

Again, as an artist, I find it saddening that someone out there would think of me as a source of entertainment and nothing more. Artists are so much more than that. They're my friends. Even if they don't know me, I know them, and when I pop their album in, I get to fellowship with them. I'm insulted that my listeners would take this art any less seriously then that.---

Blowing in the wind.

2007-03-13T08:28:00.000-05:00

How many roads mus a man walks down?
Before you can call him man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Thank you Bob Dylan for these words which are simultaneously encouraging and infuriating. Pope John Paul II called him a prophet of sorts and he may be right. The pope also said that the answer is that there is one road...the road to christ. Can't argue there.

So yeah, there's like a road right? And I gotta be on the road. Well, which road is it? I'm on the road to christ without a doubt, but in truth, christ lies at the end of many roads. Which of those would he have me take? Morpheus says that there is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path. Great. The character may have spoken truth here, but that leaves us nervous planners in an awkward position.

I guess what this means is that I need to add trust to my faith. Trust is hard in case you haven't noticed. I find that I function much better when I have a plan, even a general one.

The word says that God will grant us the desires of our hearts if we delight in him. But it also says that the heart is deceitful above all things: Jeremiah 17:

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
hose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve.

I see now how I am to find my way or road if you will. Trust works apparently. But in the middle there it says that our hearts are (in other translations) "desperately corrupt."

God will give us our desires, but what am I supposed to do when those desires are so improbable and far away? I've never had a lack of support from my family, but I've also had it drilled into me the importance of caution. Flying by the seat of your pants is not God's plan. I feel it's an ineffective way to live and wastes a lot of time. Through closeness and maturity, I have hope of knowing God's will for me, but that doesn't help me at the moment. (would you exactly call me mature?). But does'nt sitting around waiting for a part in the clouds waste time?

In truth, there is no end to how close you can be with the lord. So what line must be crossed before I and others can trust that I'm hearing from God? What's the line? Is there such a thing? I can trust God with everything, but that doesn't mean I must throw away my life needlessly.

I guess I just need to try every door, and through prayer, God will allow me through the ones he has in store for me.

To complicate things, I occasionally find myself in the frame of thought where I see the ripple effects that every action has on the universe. I feel that somehow, I and my deeds should be remembered by future generations, otherwise it wasn't worthwhile. Think about it though. I'm starting to think that the only thing that truely matters is the here and now. Your work and influence may last for generation, but who really cares? I am to please God, not man. Epitaphs are overrated.

I'm going to have to ponder this scripture for some time before I figure out what it actually means to me.

The Hands That Keep Me

2007-02-25T19:56:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure I've never posted this, sorry if I have. I wrote it several years ago (notes for a potential song):

I'm reaching for the hands that keep me
I'm feeling the hands that worked
they're all dirty and worn
I'm looking for the hands that healed many
the hands that fed thousands
I'm amazed at the hands that did miracles
think on the things they taught me
I'm looking through the hands that were pierced
pierced with a nail I drove through
I'm searching for the hands that were buried
the hands of a man who died
I felt the hand on my shoulder
he said I am alive and well
I hold onto the hands that lift me
out of the toils and snares
I embrace the hands that dry the tears
as they conqured all my fears
I marvel at the hands that teach me
how to love
I'm reaching for the hands that hold me
close to him
I'm reaching for the hands that keep me

(c)2007

The religion of science

2007-02-02T13:24:00.000-06:00

Evolution was invented to give some kind of explanation for why we are here apart from creationism. It was invented to help give comfort to those who don’t want to believe in God. I suppose that’s fine by me. As for scientific observations, I have yet to see a single observation or proof that evolution has occurred or is occurring.

First let me point out that evolution is not the same thing as natural selection. Natural selection is a scientific fact that is observable where ever or whoever you are. The concept of natural selection has been horded by evolutionary theorists because it seemingly is evidence of evolution’s existence. Not true. Take the moths (don’t remember the genus) in London. Prior to the industrial revolution there were two moths of the same species, though different colors that were prevalent in London. One was very dark, the other almost white. The white one was almost the only one a person would encounter in London. Then the industrial revolution hit and the factories were erected, producing smog. Soon after, the white moths were suddenly a rare occurrence and the black ones were commonplace. Why? Camouflage. The smog began to discolor the buildings in the city giving the darker moths an advantage against natural predators. The white moths were sitting ducks. This is natural selection. Survival of the fittest. Both these species existed at the same time. The white moths did not change to black, they just simply started dying off, allowing the dark ones free reign.

There is no evidence of a species naturally changing it’s physical form to adapt to a changing environment. I’m sure there is a lot of examples of species that share similar characteristics though. We can say “Of course we can’t observe the changes, they happen over billions of years.” That’s convenient. It’s also an example of a religious quality—Faith. Scientists have to have faith that evolution occurs because, “what other explanation is there? What’s the alternative?”

The purposes of religion across the world are:

Providing answers to the unknown
Social integration, or providing a sense of belonging
Hope- helps us to cope with circumstances
To achieve conformity

In a word, Pacifying the masses. It’s the people blindly accepting what is presented to them. What is necessary for a religion to take hold on a given society? Faith.

This fits evolution to a T.

Evolution also fits a lot of the negative aspects of religion through the ages. Religion has been notorious for slowing down progress and change. Can you honestly say that evolution is not trapping science within it’s rules?

Suppose evolution did fit in with it’s own rule and became scientifically valid.

Then I suppose it’s also fair to say that Science itself is a religion. I don’t think anyone would argue with me if I were to say that all religions are man made. Right? All the rules, laws, and systems set down by the religion are based on what the founders of that religion laid down. Correct?

Consider the Scientific Method. In order for a theory to become scientific, it must conform and be tested under the Scientific Method. Otherwise, it’s unfounded. If we were to kill all of the scientists in the world, and totally re-write the scientific method with who-knows-what, how would the generations after us know whether it was true? All of the scientists would do their research, based on this new scientific method and everything they discovered that conformed to the new scientific method would be called….science.

All would be based on what a few maniacs laid down as the true scientific method.

In other words, the only reason something is scientific is because someone somewhere SAYS it is!! This someone says this based on the rules laid down by…someone else!! Science is not objective truth. Science is just another way humans have developed to attempt to learn and explain the world. In my opinion, the only good thing science has ever done is the former. The latter is a jumbled mess—a mess that in my opinion, includes evolution.

That’s why I feel evolution should not be taught in schools as a science (considering what science is considered to be). I’m not saying that creationism or intelligent design should be taught either.

The way I see it, school should teach what we know by what we’ve seen—independently of what spin of belief humans put on it. The rest should be taught as what it is: human reason. What we have invented to help explain the world.

In other words, I believe that teaching our questions to our children is not a bad thing, just so long as we teach them as questions.

I'm in a band. Praises!!!

2007-01-09T09:32:00.000-06:00

I've been waiting for this for a long time. This is the first group of musicians I've been a part of where we have a focused vision of writing and eventually performing locally. Most people I've played alongside are more into jamming (an extreme weakness for me as I have the no-talent-for-improv gene). We're all christians and have a desire to play for the most high.

Of course I don't know what God's plans are for us, but we've all been through a lot and the pieces have seemingly fallen into place. This has never happened to me before. I find that comforting.

We have a drummer (Nick Harless) who is 17. Easily excitable and one of the coolest people I know. A bass/accoustic/vocalist (Tony Pierce). An accoustic/vocalist/writer (Troy Pierce) who has surprised me immensly with his vocal talent of late. This guy can scream folks. I am happy. We have Esther Pierce (who is married to Troy), who plays the keys/vocals (very well) and is currently serving as our seudo-producer/den mother. Then we have me: electric/BGVs/potential vocals (on softer songs)/writer. This is a great time for me. I'm so excited for our group and am looking forward to seeing where God takes us.

Much love!!

We MUST pray for our artists

2006-12-07T11:26:00.000-06:00

The last couple of days, I've been taking for granted the stance of most of the artists here in the U.S. I've been struck over and over again with the conviction that we should pray for these people on a regular basis as they have such an impact on culture. But furthermore, they're HUMAN BEINGS! We should pray for these people as much as we pray for our friends and family. Especially since we are in a way connected to them. By experiencing art, we become intimate aquaintances with the artist (at least they become so to us). In other words, even though the artist may not know who we are, we know them and I feel that we should be praying for these people. Here are some suggestions and ideas for what to pray for:

To find God

To find peace

To find understanding

To find answers

To find hope

To find comfort

To find strength

To find relief

To find fulfilment

To find light

To experience God's presence

To come into contact with Christians

That God will keep them close and they will realize how much HE LOVES THEM!!!

Two Decades

2006-11-09T11:51:00.000-06:00

I turned 20 on sunday november 5th!! Yay! I'm a little sad not to be a teenager anymore, but I will always be a kid at heart.

I spend most of my birthday in Marshalltown at the Coc youth rally. What an excellent event it was. One of the best turnouts I've seen in years. I thouroughly enjoyed it. I got to see Lonnie who skipped camp this year (grumbles). We finally forced Tim Baily to watch Phantom Of The Opera (he loved it). We played three games of Mow, one of which I won--woot! A few York types made their way up. Chelsea who is one of the funniest people in the world. Kale who is sucha sweetheart--lights up a room. I finally got to meet Kale's boyfriend Ben who was really cool. He was a last minute speaker (as two of the others backed out suddenly). He did an amazing job and fit right in with the camp crowd. We had a makeshift campfire in the church parking lot with the cars flying by on the highway. Not quite the same as at camp, but a worthy supplement. It was just overall, a wonderful weekend. I was so glad I could go.

In other news, I am planning on trekking down to cornerstone 07 next year. One of my best friends (jason) live not too far from there and usually goes. Plus another great friend's (Dennis) website is one of five sponsors at the Underground stage, and he will be doing daily devos every morning. Plus, there's always the chance that John Davis will be there again (crosses fingers). Problem is, if I were to actually do this, it would put me out of work for another weekend out of the summer. I feel like because of that, on top of two weeks of camp (and maybe a week to see the fam on the east coast), I'm gypng my coworkers at the Pie. I feel like I'm taking too much time off. Arrgh.

Plus, I'm gearing up for transfering next fall which is overwhelming me. I really dislike change and responcibility. I'd rather things just happen to me, or I get ordered what to do by God without any questions. Decisions.

Anyway, I'm 20!!! Woot!!!

Oh, the glory of cheap speakers.

2006-11-02T20:38:00.000-06:00

I just hada epiphany.

EastWest's "Hope In Anguish" sounds really good being played loud on really cheap computer speakers.

I wonder what else would do that? Hmmm....

Sorry for the paltry posts. Too much school work. Ugh.

Someone promise me that you will make a movie about my epic life after I die from eye tumors from the computer monitor.

Surprises

2006-10-24T12:09:00.001-05:00

A simple question:

Why am I always surprised when God answers prayer?

Negatively or positively. Either way.

Prayer rocks, and so does God.

He is so faithful.

Surprises

2006-10-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

A simple question:

Why am I always surprised when God answers prayer?

Negatively or positively. Either way.

Prayer rocks, and so does God.

He is so faithful.

Against my better judgement

2006-10-03T14:03:00.000-05:00

I have decided to blog today...against my better judgement.

I am swamped with homework, but nonetheless, I will do my best to let the world know I'm alive (yes, all twelve of them).

I just got back from the MWBC fall retreat. It was a small group there this year, but still, it was camp--a small piece of heaven. I as able to see many of my friends whom I miss all year long.

I am cutting back to one shift a week at the magpie (ugh). I have no choice: my school load has doubled and I am falling behind. The extra day off will allow me to catch up on my work considerably.

I feel bad because I already was only working only two days a week (my regular school-year schedule). The problem is, people hate to work the weekends and my working a day less will force someone to have to work them. I pretty much work weekends only, so i'm used to it.

I'm also anxious because this will cut my (lucious) income in half. I still will have enough to pay for the next semester though.

Last night I went to see The Illusionist with my entire family (first time that's happened since last summer). We even splurged and had fast food for dinner (gasp!). We do that maybe three times a year.

I just got the new Skillet album (Comatose). All I have to say is...get it. It's their best yet. I'm so proud of how far they've come. They're setting a new standard for the Christian music industry. they also better make an effort to send out singles to the radio stations (DUH P.O.D.!!).

*sigh*

alas, I must go back to my school work.

Sorry for the utterly boring post, but at least I posted.

Ha!

Sleep

2006-09-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

Z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z
z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z
z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z *snort* "eh?"* cough*"Mmmhmm"
...z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z
z z z z"gwoooowwwwwereor"*sniff-sniff* "scweeeeeeeew"
...z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z..."Mmmm...cake."
z z z z z z..."latte..."...

Starting

2006-09-09T22:56:00.000-05:00

I came to this realization a few days ago.

I was in one of those moods where I was thinking about who I am and why I exist.

Yeah, I know.

In everything I do, everywhere I go, somewhere in my mind and psyche, I am always starting.

Let me explain: I have been working at the Magpie Coffeehouse for a year+, and I still feel like I am training. I still feel like I am getting to know the people here.

I feel like we are still building our house (which we are), and I feel like we just moved there still. It still feels new, like i'm not used to it.

When I'm at camp, I still feel like it's the begining all the way through the week.

I realize I'm still young, but I feel like I'm a child inside, not a 19 year old sophmore in college.

Even some just plain normal days, it feels like it's morning, and then it's time for bed.

The last time I felt completely okay with where I was, was back in D.C., eleven years ago.
Because I was born there, it just felt like everything was complete. That was the last time I knew that the begining was over, and I was somewhere before the end.

I can't decide whether it's a negative thing or not. I'm not sure it's a bad feeling at all. It's just a strange psychological phenomenon, like how the years go by faster as you grow older.

Sometimes, it's a refreshing feeling. Sometimes it feels like Groundhog's Day.

Anyway. Interesting stuff to muse on.

By the way. I just want to say a prayer to God:

Be with those who are in pain.
Be with those who don't know who they are.
Be with those who can't help it.
Be with those who can't find true love.
Fill their holes.
Satisfy, sustain, comfort them.
Lift them above the lies.
Hold them close lord.

Thank you God

2006-08-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

My parents were in a car wreck a week ago Saturday on their way back from camp.

My mom slowed down behind some tractor, as it was unsafe to pass.

They were rear-ended by a PT cruiser going about 65 mph. The lady driver was reaching for coffee and didn't see my parents slow down.

My mom noticed her careening for them and turned the wheel to get out of the way. She didn't have time to move, but thank heaven she turned the wheel. When the cruiser hit them, it launched them about 150 feet forward into the ditch, avoiding the tractor. The tractor didn't even stop. It just kept going.

My parents weren't hurt very bad, just bruises. But had any one else been in the van, they would be dead. The entire back half of the van was demolished.

Thankfully, the cruiser's airbags went off, and the lady only had a broken arm.

Still, as well as things went, I was almost orphaned that day. I wouldn't have even known about it for days. As it is, I didn't even hear about the wreck until Wednsday.

I've been hit with the emotions from the news, crossing with the experience of being at camp. when I was reading the letter, every one around me was still laughing and having a good time, oblivious to what I was feeling. I was in a bubble.

There is sheer joy, and yet shakenness (is that a word?). The week of camp went on like nothing had ever happened. God was still able to use me.

I don't know why God allowed this to happen. Nothing's really changed in my life or perspective. I guess it's pretty self-centered to expect that he would use this as a message to me. It could be for the lady driving the cruiser, for my parents, for anyone else.

In any case, i'm thankful and joyful.

Camp was great, it stretched me spiritually. I'm not sure how yet, I'm still absorbing everything.

All I can say is God is alive.

Sometimes I wonder why camps aren't a part of the Bible :) .

I'm going to camp!!!

2006-08-04T13:52:00.000-05:00

Wahoo!!

As of tomorrow, I will be on my way to MWBC 2006.

Yay!!!

Just in case you've never heard me say this before, camp has been one of the highlights of my life. The closest I've ever been to heaven consistently.

I pray that I will be as open to God this week as I have been in the past. May he strengthen me, and give me the messages he has prepared for his children who are at this camp.

I'm going to be a counselor for the first time.

I'll have tons more to say after I get back.

In the mean time, stay cool!

Heavy heart

2006-07-26T12:10:00.000-05:00

I have a heavy heart today.

I can't say why. Lots of stuff has been bugging me.

Things that are normally fun aren't.

The internet is slow.

I hate dropping my woes on people, but you chose to read this. :)

All the music I try to write turns out to be someone else's music.

I envy other people's talent, supposed freedom, influence, esteem, confidence, image etc.

I realize that I'm not as strong as I think I am.

I take so much of what I have for granted.

I feel imature and naive.

God feels silent today.

I feel like he's hiding something from me.

I'm not mad, sad or scared...just heavy.

Right now I just want to be with someone, and there's no one here except Seth who is sleeping (and doesn't really count :P ).

I trust that all will be revealed in God's time, but that doesn't make the cercumstance any easier.

Heath Ledger will be the Joker

2006-07-24T19:06:00.000-05:00

....

....

....

....

I'm scared.

I, the bat-nut, am scared.

I don't think he can do it.

He has tiny eyes, he's a pretty boy, he's bulky, and he's not menacing.

Any actor who plays the Joker has to be someone who can scare the <...> out of you with a grin.

I'm not sure he can do that.

Curses.

Christopher Nolan, I hope you're right.

I am home

2006-07-12T22:04:00.000-05:00

After a week away from my home, my friends, my job, my responcibilities; after a week in Tennessee, I have returned.

What a strange week it was. Fun and...yet not so in places. It was good to go anyway to be with my family (aunts, uncles, cousins etc.). How much I love them and ache for them.

I love them because they are my flesh and blood, I spent much of my childhood surrounded by them, some are like my siblings. I ache for them because many of them need God.

It's hard for me to remember that they are all human beings just like me. All the people in the world have lived entire lives apart from mine complete with free will, including my family. It's not my part to save them, only to show them what having christ in you life is like. Only God can save them.

It's strange to share so much with people who are so different. It's hard sometimes not to condemn them in my heart, that is why I ache for them instead. My heart aches for them. It feels weird to play and laugh with people and yet know that they aren't living for the same purpose in life. Some don't even have a purpose or destination, they're just drifting along. Yet they still have time to love and share in my life.

It's interesting to see how my family members have changed and lived their lives over the years.

We rented a pontoon boat for the lake on 4th of July. What an exhilerating experience to fly across the water with assorted cousins in tow. Seth even water skiied for a record 5 seconds. We had some lovely BBQ, and watched the fireworks display a few hundered yards from where they were launching them off. I've never had them so close above me. Woot! Fire works are always better over water. My favorites are the ones that linger like weeping willows. Beautiful.

We would chill out by the pool for hours on end. Alas, I couldn't shed my farmer's tan. I must bear it like a man (I don't have enough pride to walk around shirtless all the time).

I taught the game of Mow to a few of my cousins, and soon they were calling my cabin early in the morning shouting "Mow mow mow mow moooowww!!"

Probably the oddest aspect of the trip was meeting my grandpa for the first time. We didn't know he was going to be there, so it was a surprise. He hasn't been completely estranged to those in the family who try to reach out to him, but we weren't one of those (and he certainly didn't reach out to us). He's always been there in the back of my mind as this mysterious figure who used to be a part of my mom's familie's life. It was so weird to meet this man with such a reputation standing there, like a normal old guy.

The weirdest moment was listening to him chat with my grandma, whom he divorced back in the early 70s, like nothing had ever happened. As angry as I am with him for what he did to my grandma and my aunts and uncles, he is still my grandpa. My grandpa...how unnatural it feels to say that.

I thought for a while about what to call him. I've always called him "Your dad," "mama's dad" or "dan" when ever he was being discussed. But what was I to call him to his face? I've had zero relationship with him, which makes the title "grandpa" feel unfitting. But he still is my grandpa, the one God gave me, complete with all his flaws.

The plus side of meeting him was understanding where Seth gets a lot of his mannerisms from (only with 50 years of aging). It made me laugh. "so it's genetic." I always knew Seth looked like him from pictures, but I didn't forsee the mannerisms as well (even down to the perpetual smile-face).

Towards the end of the week, it felt like everyone was tired and staying in their individual cabins, not visiting. I think part of what led to the downgrade in excitement was my aunt Carol and cousin Joey having to leave early. The other possible reason is that the height of activity (the 4th) was right there at the beginning of the week, leading the rest downhill. The end of the week was not all boring for my part however, because I got to see Superman Returns and Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest with my dad and cousins!

Dead Man's Chest, of course, was great. How could it not be? But what I didn't expect to like was Superman. Most people have heard me bitterly predict that the film would tank and no one would like it. Oh, how wrong I was. Superman is the Lord Of The Rings of superhero movies. I've seen it twice now, and both times, it left me just sitting there...absorbing. I'll go as far as to say that it was better than DMC, and probably the best film this summer. I'm sorry I doubted you supes! If you want the full rundown of why Superman hit me so hard, ask me in person (it would take too long to write about tonight). Don't get me wrong though, Batman is still my favorite hero. : )

Now I'm home, going to work, and getting ready for another semester next month. Real life. I just pray that God would help me with the convoluted emotions I'm feeling these days. I think I have my life together when God slips another curve in the road.

I guess the next thing happening in my life is another week at camp starting in August. I can't wait. I feel so...home with God at camp. It's a time of rest for me spiritualy.

Anyway, that's all for now.

I love all of you.

Kelly, the story continues...

2006-06-29T16:46:00.000-05:00

It was inevitable.

Kelly wouldn't stay in her cottage forever.

She woke up one morning after watching an entire season of Smallville on DVD. "I need a drink." said the little troll. So she began her morning routine. She does one sit-up a day; get out of bed in the morning, and get back into it that night. Then she eats breakfast. "Oh, how I wish I had some of Adumbug's delicious mushrooms." She said to herself.

Suddenly, she remembered! "I'm getting married to Adumbug!" She shouted in astonishment. "And he's sexy!!!!" She quickly took her monthly shower and sped down her garden path towards the villiage.

Finally, she burst into Troll Bock's, scattering some stools, and a few customers. She turned to the gaping bartender. "Humfish, I need a drink!" she shouted, nearly out of breath.

Humfish remembered himself and began his normal show of juggling glasses while preparing drinks. He's really quite spectacular if any of the customers pay attention. But they rarely do, after all, what's another juggling troll? "Fah!" he said regarding his un-appreciative audience, just as he misplaced one of his glasses and sent it flying through dodging patrons with a crash. "Ooh, stupid gravity."

As the disgruntled troll prepared the ale of the day, Kelly saw her usual morning group and moved to join them. Seated at the table were her friends, Samsung the squirrel, and Sethie the elephant (who was sipping his ale with his trunk). "Good morning!" she chimed.

"If it is a good morning" said the nervous elephant, eyes darting from side to side.

Samsung turned to Sethie and said "Ofcourseit'sagoodmorning!Everymorning'sagoodmorning
yousourpuss.What'snotgoodaboutit?Itcouldn'tbebetterifyouwere
pinkwithpolkadots.Dangthischaiisgood!!!!"

"You can never be certain." Sethie said ominously. "There could always be a dragon invasion, or you could fall into quicksand. There could be layoffs!"

Kelly sighed, "How could you think of that when Adumbug's in the world?"

"Themushroomfarmer?" asked Samsung, "Aye,he'sadreamyoneheis.Ohyes."

Sethie grunted. "The government is probably watching us as we speak."

"Yes," kelly said. "He's a studly troll."

Sethie shifted his weight. "They can probably hear us too..."

"Oh for heaven's sake Sethie, it's enough to drive a saint to drink!" she exclaimed taking another sip of her ale. "I hope you get your snout stuck in your glass again like last week."

"Yeah!Hehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehhehheh..."said Samsung

"Hrmph!" said the elephant, and resumed his suspicious scan of the crowd.

Kelly got up. "Ah! Well, I'm off to find my future husband, as he didn't show up for breakfast."

"Just watch out for badgers." Sethie said. "I'm sure they're connected to the forest mafia somehow."

"Uh huh," said Kelly. "Any pearls of advice from you Samsung?"

"Neverforgetwhereyouburiedyournuts." She replied."Itgetsoldafterawhile."

"I'll remember that. So long everyone!" she said as she left the pub.

"Fah!" replied the juggling bartender.