The Breaking of the Fellowship

Good grief.

I'm full of tolkien. Its so weird, but like I told Laura last night, reading Tolkien for the first time and the relase of the wonderful LOTR films was a landmark in my life that kickstarting my process of growing up.

Tolkien's books have added so much spiritual and emotional clarity to my life, I'm so grateful for them. Thank you God such a wonderful gift.

Anyway, this is a responce to Melenie's post about missing the past. I fully understand her sadness and frustration with change, but the only answer so far that's made any sense is this connection to Tolkien. There's not a whole lot here that's new, it's just something I didn't want to forget, so I'm posting it here too. Here's what I wrote:

I miss you too Melenie.

Maybe the original crew should organize a hostile takeover of Bookends and Beans and start over :P. A coup!!!

Heh, heh.

I don't know. Maybe the change was inevitable. Like the wise Mr.G says "even the wise cannot see all ends." I just wish we could part with the beautiful past on better terms you know?

You know what this feels like? (I know, more tolkien reverences). It feels like the fellowship of the ring. What we had before was hobbiton. Like a happy little club. But soon, reality had to kick in, and now we're on the journey (some of us on seperate ones). Our fellowship has broken.

The sad part is, like Frodo, we can't go back to exactly the way it was. But frodo had a place to go forward to beyond his old home, and so do we.

Just like the passing of a friend, we should mourn for a time, and then move on with our lives. But we should always remember it.

Jesus is there like you said. God, please let us see with your eyes, and grant us peace. Inner peace, and peace with each other.


We've gotta talk melenie, its been too long.

EDIT!!!!: At least one part of our past hasn't changed and that's Homestar. Check this out, it's one of the best ones I've ever seen. I nearly wet my pants. I needed that. (the nearly part. I would have been mad if I wet my pants.)

http://www.homestarrunner.com/datenite.html



woot

Yay, more existentialism--with a note of hope though

Boo paranoia.

For the past several months I've observed that I only blog when I'm moody. I wish it would go away but alas, my ugly feelings remain pervasive. In the back of my mind I know that God has not forsaken me and the entirity of my relationship with him is perfectly sound. I just wish I could climb a mountain and ask him to his face all of the questions that aren't being directly answered in his word (today). And I want them now.

Its weird, its like I'm waiting for God to get over his gloomy mood when in reality its me who is gloomy. Yes God enjoys seeing us happy in this life and will do things to make it happen. But we're sinners who live among sinners, no matter how righteous we are or pretend to be. Consequently, just as we feel the effects of our own sin, we have do deal with the effects of others' sin.

Here's where I'm standing: All of a sudden in the last few weeks, I'm discovering how fragile I am. I'm not impervious to spiritual attack as a child of God. I'm used to seeing others go through it, but I've taught myself to no be affected by most people's pain because there's really nothing I can do about it. Consequently, I don't know how to properly deal with my own issues and I feel like there's no one else to talk to.

(and someone says: "Right, not that God's worth talking to.") Duh. I could do that. Who would have though of that? My prayer life has got to get itself out of its Lazy boy chair.....I wish I had a lazy boy chair. Geeze. No fair.

Before I go on, please let me apologize to anyone (I'm not sure who ends up reading this stuff) who might feel like I'm casting blame on them. Please don't, it's not what I'm trying to do. I'm merely trying to gain some kind of emotional closure through this. i'm not making any conclusions on these matters: this is an account of how I feel, i.e. I'm venting.

I've narrowed down my sickly emotional state to this problem: I feel like I don't know where I belong.

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<".......BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Cade is emo! Yes kids, Cade the one who prides himself on not having the typical issues faced by coming of age, is sliding."> It stings my pride to admit to such a stereotypical problem but its true. We can't all have problems that haven't already made their way into countless gothed-up teenager's notebooks full of "poetry." At least my voice doesn't crack when I "talk to girls" (woo, I have some depreciating disdain left to hang on to.).

I feel like I'm walking around in a fantasy world where everyone around be knows something very important but is refusing to share it.

I've never found much identity in school, so not feeling like part of the club isn't a big deal. That said, I have a grand total of about three weeks left with a campus I've practically lived on for over six years. Some of the faculty are like family. It's been a part of my life, and now it won't be. How sad.

I can't really let my guard down emotionally/spiritually with my congregation because our relationship has long felt like a matter of ministry and service rather than being fed myself. I'm too scared to be vulnerable and imperfect in front of them like it was some kind of disservice. I love them dearly, but I'd be surprised if they really knew me as well as I know them.

My relationships with friends are suffering as I get around more. I'm having to learn that i'm not in control of people. I feign interest in the lives of my friends, but ultimately, I'm either too selfish or scared to reach out. It's a problem I've finally diagnosed recently: I don't play well with others. Either the laid-back ease with which people have fun is an infuriating facade, or I have a serious social issue. I used to believe myself to be the "funny,outrageous guy with a hint of deep sensibilities underneath." And honestly, for a long time, I believed that was my niche in a given group. Now I don't know. People around my fill this role socially much better than I leaving me in their dust (<"right cade, as if it was a compitition.">). To further complicate the symtoms of my diagnosis, I have this nagging lifelong belief and habit that's starting to bite me: "No one wants to be around me unless they initiate the friendship." Its getting me into trouble, and if I don't snap out of it I'm going to start running out of friends.

My band is digging in its heals and is seemingly refusing to do anything constructive. I can't fathom how anything of value will come out of this if no one is willing to put effort into it. Maybe I'm blind (they really are working at it and I just can't see) or maybe I'm just stupid. Where does the identity problem come in? The rest of the band seems fine with how things are going. If I were to ask "what is the point of what we're doing during these four hour practices?" they would say "Huh?" and proceed to do Will Farrel impersonations and talk about our future stage performances filled with our imaginary music. I get so frustrated that I want to quit, but I know that like all of my other frustrations listed here today, God put me here for a purpose. Like everything else: persevere. Plus, like my congregation, I love these people. I just wish I knew what to do to make them more interested in what we're doing. Oh, and I blew away $100 on a soundboard for this band. Sometimes I miss it.

Occasionally I want to just to a city where I have no history and start over can use my charm and mystique to paint a pleasant and attractive picture of myself. It only works for so long though as is being evidenced in my relationships of late. I'm faced with this feeling again at the Magpie. At a certain point in your relationship with a group of people, you run out of tricks, and you're forced to show what you're really made of. No use sugar coating it, I feel like something I dearly loved has been ripped out of my hands and butchered before my eyes. <"a bit melodramatic, even for you Cade?">. Maybe so, but when I actually take a moment to reflect on how much that place has changed, that's when I start feeling overwhelmed. The only word I've found that consistently fits my feeling toward the Magpie is that it's gotten dark. So dark that I want to cry. I wish I could cry, but I'm not that good an actor. My experience at the Magpie has been one of the most beautiful and significant times of my life. I've affected and been affected. The reality is, there is only one person left of the original group I came to love. Now, I feel like a refugee, colateral luggage that neither has a purpose, or lives without one. I have to trust that God still has a hand in the place or I will have to leave. Maybe my longing for the past is selfish too. Perhaps its God's will that I should change as the Magpie has. But nonetheless, I feel that I'm running out of reasons to stay there except that there's no where else to go.

Even my fellow christians are leaving me in doubt of my kinship. I have increasing difficulty knowing what to make of doctrinal differences. My online community is hardly recognizable as a spiritual hub anymore except for the occasional post from the moderator and the fact that swearing is not allowed on the boards. I realize that I shouldn't sweat the small stuff (like anything other than salvation), but I get so utterly discouraged when the christians around me don't share my values. I'm supposed to confide in them for support but there's no one who shares my beliefs or standards. The christians around me, the ones I talk to online, and some of the ones I read about all feel so worldly. Its like its required to be a superficial, counter-cultural, entertainment saturated, screw-you, cooler than thou Christian in order be accepted in this generation of christians. Either that or be a part of the hyper-institutionalized branches of the church. Ugh. I feel alone and confused in this matter. Does this mean that my convictions are not of God? Does this mean that these people are less in God's eyes? I hope not, but it doesn't make it easier in my mind to navigate the moral playing field. --again, God in the image of a man in a mountain cave would be infuriatingly convenient right now.

I just want to be effective. I don't want my life to be a waste otherwise, whats the point?

Here's the hopeful element (finally). I haven't fully grasped what it means to me and what I'm going through yet, but the truth is,...

I don't belong to anyone

...anyone but God.

I'm in the world, but not of it. I have to find my identity in God, not in the worldy that seem so important.

I know that this is truth, but it hasn't really sank in yet.

Realize that there are areas in my life where I do find satisfaction with who I am, where I belong. My family for one, and MWBC for another. I'd rather not think about life without either of them. They are so far, God's supreme gifts to me here on earth (and maybe the Magpie and my stuffed animals :P ).

I look forward to the day when I can write something hopeful and encouraging again on this page. Maybe it'll be sooner than later. In the meantime, I've gotta pray.

Sorry for the avalanche of words.

When I'm 80

I just found this on my flash-drive. It's an old paper I wrote for a human relations class. We were supposed to write a very brief paper where we would imagine being 80 years old and looking back on our life. How would it have been a success? Here's what I wrote two years ago:

“When I’m 80”
Cade Loven
Human Relations


When I’m 80, I’ll know my life was a success because, well, because I was happy. I try not to live my life completely focused on goals which I might not ever achieve. As a believer in God, I believe that the only thing that will ever make us happy is to do God’s will. It’s like we’re toasters, a toaster will not function if you use it to make coffee. Making coffee is not the toaster’s purpose. The Bible says that we are “jars of clay,” and that God is the potter.
With that in mind, I look at life this way: when I come to a crossroad, I first ask for God’s guidance, that he would either open, or close the door I’m about to enter. Then I try the door. The beautiful thing about this philosophy is that if I find the door closed, it’s not a defeat. I wouldn’t have become stronger or as satisfied with life, if I had forced the door open rather than listened to God’s spirit.
Here’s another side of this coin: I know plenty of people who are so desolate and are being persecuted for their belief in God (China, Korea, the middle east), and yet they do not despair. How can one be truly happy when they’re being beaten, tortured, thrown in prison, and even killed? I water it down to simply peace. I say my goal is to ultimately live a happy life, but what’s more important is to have inner peace. I may not be totally happy with where life takes me, but if I have peace with myself, and with God, then that’s all that really matters on this earth.
I’d love to think that I will have a loving marriage, Godly children, financial security, and freedom of religion for the rest of my life, but who really knows what will happen in my lifetime? I may want a wife someday, but who knows if I’ll ever find one I could live with until I die? I may be hoping for healthy children, but what if my wife is barren, or I am sterile? These are things that can break someone. Scripture says to store up our treasures in Heaven, not on Earth—a philosophy I have to remind myself of every day.
I have dreams of what I’d like to do in my life, but even if I never get to fulfill those dreams, I know my life will have been a success, because God is in control of me. I make a conscious decision every day to let go of the wheel, and trust God to take me where he wants me to go.
Some people live their lives never trying those doors that pop up during our life, they do so out of fear that something will change. They fear that either the door will be closed and they will face disappointment, or that the door will open, and their lives will never be the same. I’ll know my life was a success because I try those doors, and no matter what the end result may be, I’ll be happy.