2007 was one of the hardest years to endure for me in a long time. I've blogged on this before so I'll spare the details. It's not like anything long term has happened (like a death in the family or something), it's just a whole lot of little things all happening at once. The whole year long I had been trying to track down the one source of these trials so I could conquer it--as if I could on my own.
One of the biggies (which I blogged about earlier) is the issue of identity. Do I belong with this group or that one? Any group at all? It's a natural instinct with some people to seek a bigger whole to assimilate into within which we find our individual place. I was in transition between several of these groups. As I realized in my earlier blog, my identity is truly with God above all else. Somehow I lost sight of that truth.
I'm reminded of this illustration. This analogy has been in my mind for some time, and I've even preached on it, but I've never connected it to my current emoional predicament. It's like those pyramids of wine glasses where they'll pour into the topmost glass. Eventually that glass overflows and begins to fill the glasses below it. Eventually all of the glasses are filled. However if you poured starting somewhere in the middle of the pyramid, you would only fill a small section of the glasses. In other words, there are many worthy endeavors in this life, but if we don't fill our topmost glass first, we'll never reach our full potential. The topmost glass is loving God. Everything in the world that is worthy of doing eminates from a love of God.
We can't earn our way into the Kingdom of Heaven or God's love. I don't know how long it's going to take for that to sink into my mind.
Anyway, I had all of these things going through, but nothing to help with the specifics. I still had some details on the loving God part that needed ironing out.
I rely on him: Check.
I seek him through scripture, prayer, revalation and teaching: check.
I desire his will in my life: Check.
On and on. But these are all things to do with my inward state.
Two things were revealed to me by God (it feels good to say that). First the obvious: I've got to quit thinking about myself in relation to God all the time. It's time to begin work on a servant heart.
The second was that of being a righteous man. Simple everyday christian concept, but not something I ever saught God on. It's not simply trying to avoid sin, but so many many other things. I believe that this is part of why God allowed so many trials for me in the past year. He's teaching me to get out of myself. When I remember what the rest of the world goes through compared to my priviledged life, I realize that one's place in the world is not the most significant part of human experience, but rather one's proximity with one's creator.
God told me that my mission, my "point," my focus, at this time in my life is to seek righteousness. This is part of what it means to love God: to follow him. I believe that Jesus is our clear example of what we should be striving for. No good way to sum that lifestyle up in a sentence--so I say, study his life in the scriptures and strive to understand it and for lack of a better term: do it. Scripture says that we have the authority and ability to do everything Christ did and more (somone find that passage(s) for me so I don't have to paraphrase that).
As with defining what it means to be like Christ, it's also hard to define what it means exactly to be a righteous man. One thing that helps: the Bible calls individuals righteous (as in perhaps righteousness is different for different people. Maybe?). All of the people I've run across whom I've admired and looked up to (who were genuine and not swindling me spiritually) I consider to be righteous people. Of course I realize that all people sin, but I take the good in these individuals and I'm going to strive to be more like that. Abraham, Moses, Daniel, David, My parents, C.S. Lewis, Tolkien (and his characters) etc. These are individuals who have influenced me to make myself a better person--a righteous man.
If I can make people around me feel the way these people have lead me to feel toward God, then mine wouldn't be a wasted life.
I don't have a nice soundbite to define righteousness, but I now know I have to seek it out. "Real life," as in responcibilities, school, work, play, service to others etc. aren't my purpose in life. They're just something to do while I figure the rest of this God stuff out.
Since found out this stuff, I've felt the burden lifted. I don't feel the opression of spirit I've been enduring anymore.
What can I say? He gives and takes away.
I think I might finally get what that means.
