Envy

I was having trouble sleeping a few nights ago. My mind was too noisy. The following is something I wrote down to help process some of the things I was thinking about:

I was thinking about how I have all of these songs I have started and have not finished. I have music but no words (or few). I have feelings but they are too difficult to translate. I just can't craft songs on command to serve my emotional or practical needs. Perhaps I am setting my standards too high. I also crave the process of collaboration with musicians because I starve for fellowship--or more accurately validation. I want to prove to those who I admire (and myself) that I am good enough for them, that I am like them--that I am them, or better. There are also good reasons why I wish to write songs: blessings. I myself have been blessed by others' music and I wish to do so myself. I want to bless others the way I have been blessed. But that righteous motivation is couched in a desire for validation once again. I want to be the one to do the blessing and I want the glory for it.

I covet others' glory--most importantly God's. When I am listening to great live music I think "I want others to feel what I feel but I want to be the one who makes it happen." I want to be the one whose songs and self are on stage when the audience is blessed through experience and music. I envy those who are blessing me.

This is partially out of an immature need I have to please God with works. I somehow equate musical or artistic success with pleasing God. As if God needed my success to love me--as if I could define "success" according to God--as if God cared about "success." God supposedly loves me not matter what. I wish I could understand and internalize it.

Anyway, I realized today that my envy cheats me greatly. I ought to just enjoy (and absorb) the blessing I receive and not envy those God uses to bless me. At a concert, I should remain in the moment and store its blessing away in my heart. I should be greatful for the blessings I have and experience. Instead, I am always thinking of what I need to do in response. I must learn to just be. I can just watch a sunset and not worry about capturing its beauty with a camera. Let each moment pass.

I hope God does allow me to give to others as I have been given to because I believe my desire is partially sincere. But it will take some time for me to understand what that really means. I just hope I am humble enough and brave enough to see it.

06/30/10